You made it to adulthood!! Yay!!Today I went to Wal-Mart. And I was literally surrounded by babies. Everywhere I looked there was a mom with a baby. Or a mom with a young child of some kind. I was beginning to feel my clock ticking. Yes, my maternal clock started ticking. But the problem is, I DON'T want children!! I don't, I don't, I DO NOT.
I love children, don't get me wrong. I enjoy being around kids, or else I wouldn't have survived babysitting. But, damn it, I don't want to be a mom. That is something that can't be undone. And I don't want to screw up. I don't want a child, I don't want them to suffer the same things I have suffered, I don't want them to grow up in this world. If it was a different time, I wouldn't mind as much I think, but not now. Not now!
I really admire Kendra for wanting a baby and being willing to raise Corbin now-a-days. I don't mind helping her out. I don't mind helping her and Ryan raise Corbin, but I don't want to raise a child of my own. I wouldn't mind helping raise my sister, I mean I've done that for most of her life. I know that I could raise a child, but I don't want to.
You know, I went from wanting 16 children to none. I used to center my life around getting married and having children. Thats all I used to dream about, babies this and babies that. At 11 I knew the names that I wanted my kids to have, knew that I wanted to home-school them. At 16 I had my entire wedding planned down to the last detail (except for a groom). I was PROGRAMMED by my Church that this was all I was meant to do. Get married, having children, obey God and my husband, then Die.
But what is marriage anymore? I have no idea, what it is. People say its between one man and one woman, but I have friends who are gay and friends who have more than one person they claim as a spouse. Is marriage all hinged on that piece of paper? Is it all hinged on my taking the last name of the man I am with? Will I ever know the truth about it?
How am I supposed to obey God when I don't understand what He wants me to do? The Bible is truth, my step-father always said. Well that may be so, but how am I supposed to know what this truth is telling me? How can I obey when I'm not even sure its right anymore? Yes, I believe in a Supreme Being. A God. One who does love me, or else I wouldn't be existing, but why He/She has me here and what purpose I am supposed to have baffles me!
Why am I only meant for marriage, childbirth and submission?! Is there nothing else beyond that? No education or job? Am I not allowed to have dreams anymore? Thats it?!
Not only this, but I am so worried about the deal with my sister and all that crap. Is it possible for me to take custody of my sister? I'm scared that if Wes (my step-father) gets custody that I will never see her again. Could I convince her to pick me if it came to that?
I have no doubts about my ability to raise Hannah. I am worried that I wouldn't get custody and neither would Mom, and Wes would take her away. And I wouldn't see my sister again. Which would KILL me. I hate this. HATE IT ALL!!! I hate the man who is putting us through this, I hate the fact that I can't do anything to stop it. It isn't fair. It isn't fair.
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