i just don’t understand....

Once again my parents may be getting divorced. Will they actually go through w/it this time? Nobody knows. The terrible thing is I almost wish they would. Because I can't stand to see them both in pain. And to be honest, I don't believe that my step-dad loves my mom anymore. Which may sound cruel, but I just don't think he does. The question is, is it fair to get a divorce when you know that your partner doesn't love you anymore? Or maybe they never did?
As you probably notice, I didn't say "is it right" i asked if it was fair. I know that God hates divorce and that he gave only three ways out of marriage: Death, Adultery, Unbeliever chooses to leave.
Besides that, where does it leave me? where does it leave my siblings? For years now, I've been fooling myself, saying that my "mixed" family was way better than some that my friends have. But it wasn't. It never has been. My parents' marriage is a sad one. Truthfully they are such polar opposites that I don't even understand how they came together. my mom says that "God sent him" to her. If that is true, then why is God allowing her to go through Hell and letting their marriage fall to pieces?
Now, don't give me the whole "God gave us free will" shit. I know all that stuff, I could write a book about it. I've lived my life believing that God is a "Gentleman" who doesn't interfere, He allows us to do what we do. But that doesn't make this any less confusing! How the hell am I supposed to know what God is saying? What He wants, if He is to much of a gentleman to intervene?!
I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! And maybe I never will...
Then comes the even harder stuff. My father decided to leave my life when i was young and Wes is the only dad I've ever known. But I don't love him as my father. He makes me angry and sometimes I hate him. But I love him. Which is crazy. And all the times that they have talked about separating and divorcing I have wanted them to stay together for the sake of us. But now i see that i would rather they divorce than live like we do. How am I supposed to feel?! What I am supposed to do? I feel so helpless and lost and alone!

The Mermaid: Chapter V

Chapter Five

As he pulled her up the water rocked under them. Together, they stood upon the water, her tail slowly changing back to legs. She could not see him, her back to his chest, only everything around her. Then, as if in a dream, the water rose to the sky, engulfing them in a wave of water. Fire shot out of the deep, ashen lightning struck all around them, everything shook. For a confused moment, the mermaid thought that she could see her father above her, throwing down stars and pieces of the sky. It was then that the demon pulled her close to his chest, her back pressed close to him. He, too, was looking up into the face of the breaking sky. He seemed afraid and angry at the same moment.

Then he crossed his arms across her chest and dragged her under. At first she fought him, trying to escape his embrace, trying to breathe. Her body struggled to return to tail and fin, her body half faded. It was as if his arms were burning into her flesh, as if they were becoming one as they reached the floor. The ocean floor began to open beneath them, surrounding them in darkness. Her heart beat furiously as they touched earth.

For the first time in four years, the change was painful. It tore, what remained of, her body down and seared it back. She now only had one arm and one leg. She could still walk, as if it was still there, but no evidence existed. Her body ached and shook from the pain. She could not feel anything, only the pain that held her down.

The demon held her closely as she changed. He knew how the pain was all that existed in her at that moment. She shook violently, just as the world above them shook and tore apart. If it was possible, in that moment he loved her. He longed to set her free from the pain, and the eternity she would suffer alone. His lips brushed her spider web thin hair, and his hand grazed hers.

As she regained her vision, Troian began to notice the darkness all about them. All she could see the demon's glowing white hair and the bloody red tips. His face remained shrouded by the cloak and a gentle mist that encircled them. In that moment she wanted to see his face, see the expression. Was it evil or good? She did not know why she wanted to know, but the question continued to persist. She could feel his eyes on her, his arms slowly releasing her body. His gaze unsettling, even in the dark. The silence wrapped it's arms around them, causing shivers to run up and down her spine. She could feel his heart beat, feel his soul take a breath, in the silent shadows.

He stretched out a hand to touch her, but, as if sensing his touch, she drew back, afraid. He seemed to ignore this, moving closer to her. She tried to move back, but found she could not, her back against a barrier. His hand brushed her face, the heat of his hands burning into her. She remembered Jael's fingers, icy to the touch so that they burned.

When his lips found hers, his kiss burned against her mouth, at once the most heartrending experience of her life. It stole her breath, both sweetness and pain, soft and harsh. It burned against her soul, touching every part of her, without leaving her lips. It was at once heaven and hell, fire and water, the deepest pain her blood and soul had suffered. She knew that this would be the last thing she felt, the last taste of life she would touch. Good and evil were laced in that kiss and her death sealed it.

It was destined that she die in his arms. That she fade with only his kiss to follow her lost soul for all eternity. In the depths of her soul, it was truth. Truth was not a myth, for it lay here, it was touching her deep within. It was good that she lost Dante, to gain this demon and lose herself. Finally, she would not have to remember anything or feel anything. She was finally free. Even as she faded further and further away, his lips remained against hers, she would never be alone again.

For in the never-ending black abyss of hell, she could remember that kiss. All she could think of was that he had freed her. With his kiss, with this final gentle touch, he had freed her to lose herself. He had freed her to lose herself, find her peace, find her truth and be who she was before love had destroyed her. In those last moments she left herself behind, fading into oblivion.

The Mermaid: Chapter IV

Chapter Four

"I do not know why I feel I should tell you, but it is as if some burning desire is in me that will not be quenched. As if you were wishing for me to speak it. Maybe, in speaking it, I will finally obtain the peace I have searched so long for.

"I was kidnapped, mermaid. Stolen from my home and taken on board that ship. I was abused by the captain, using me to his own evil purposes. I wanted revenge, but not on you. I never had the chance to take my revenge, because just as the storm began is when they did this,"

Jael hesitated, touching her chest with tentative fingers. She pulled on the fabric, letting it slip slightly to reveal a bloody opening across her chest. It was empty of any heart. In her memory, Troian saw Jael's body floating atop the water, her chest a gaping chasm, empty.

"Why have you not asked for your heart?" asked Troian, she lightly touched the hollow.

"When they murdered me, all I could think of was revenge. I have never longed for my heart, only for the peace I should possess. I just want the peace and freedom denied me. That is why I come here every year. Not for my heart, only seeking peace. And every year, it is not to be found. I have searched for years and still have not found it, nor the source of it."

"It isn't here." replied Troian.

"I now know that. And, soon, you will not be here either." The ghost lightly brushed fingers across the mermaid's lucent skin.

"I know. I'm fading, dying. In a way, I'm transitioning, preparing for hell. I fear that, after tomorrow, I won't see you again. This is my last winter as a mermaid. My last winter with you." She shivered under Jael's touch.

"Why, mermaid? Why are you to be punished?"

"I asked to much of my mother. Because I rejected the gift that had been given me. I tried to throw away my life, which had only become mortal after I had pleaded for it. I longed for more than my fair share. And that was unforgivable."

For a long time they sat quietly together, both longing for comfort. As it got darker all around them, Jael began to disappear. Before she was completely gone, she pressed an icy kiss to Troian's cheek. She remained quiet, looking up at the stars and wondering. She pondered everything Jael had said, piecing everything together in her mind. The sky seemed to be so empty, so completely bare and void of anything, even stars. She could almost see through the window of the heavens into her old home, her old life, just as she could see through herself.

She looked down, where her hands had been. She had faded almost completely. Her hands were gone and her hair was turning silvery and thin, like spider webs. The slender bones that made up her body appeared under the surface. Rivers of blood rushed under where her skin had been. It seemed strange to her, that she die now. Why not when her heart was broken beyond repair? When her soul had weighed so heavily inside of her that she feared it would leave her behind to face the end? Why not then?

She was afraid, more afraid of fading then she had ever been. As if summoned by her fear, threatening clouds covered the moon. Demons sprang from the dark, one plucking at her arm. One grabbed her hair, pulling her head back. He was handsome, with blackness in his eyes and evil written across his face. Though evil existed on his face, a mixture of purity and loveliness claimed it as well. He seemed to be a mixture of both, a vague light of passion and fragility glowed under the black that overwhelmed his eyes.

His hair was intensely white, the tips of it dark crimson as if it had been dipped in the blood. He stopped a moment, as if her translucent beauty made him remember something. As if he saw some of the same mixture in her eyes as well. Only he seemed to see what she had seen reflected in the eyes of a ghost. That subtle sense of darkness and something sinister, that lay deep within. For a moment longer they stared into each other's eyes. Then he released her hair.

The others had also been staring at her, watching the two of them in a sense of disgust and awe. They recoiled slightly at the pure beauty they saw. If they, too, had looked into her eyes, they would have seen what he saw. As if waiting for a cue, they stood still. The moon above remained engulfed by clouds and every second the darkness seemed to grow.

Then, suddenly, they overcame her, like waves on top and all around her. She tried to escape, pushing away and moving toward her beloved ocean. She screamed, crying out for help. The demon with the white and red hair stopped her mouth with a kiss, pressing his lips to hers. His mouth strong and sure. She could feel terror flooding through her, then nothing but his mouth on hers.

She had never been kissed by any man, not even her father had kissed her. His mouth was sweet pressed to hers, but she could taste the evil laced within it. It broke her heart, tearing it into bits and pieces. Tearing her down, violating her soul with only his mouth as passage. She longed to break away, but could not. He was destroying her, killing her more than Dante ever had. He was murdering her with only a kiss. Then he pulled away.

Tears ran down her face as the demons continued to torment her. Through out the night they plagued her. Breaking her spirit, taunting her and assassinating any hope she might have had. As the sun rose the demon, who had kissed her, stopped, a mournful look on his face. Then they fell to the ground like sand, the wind picking up the pieces and carrying them away.

She felt raw, bleeding on her legs and arms. She was safe for today, but once tomorrow came she would be halfway gone. Then after that she would disappear completely. She pulled her legs up to her chest and pressed her cheek to her knees. She could only cry and wish that Jael would return soon.

Then, in a moment, she was running to the ocean, slipping under the satin of the waves. It was as if she was being buried under the waves, unable to breathe, unable to touch the surface or the light above her. All she could do was sink down into the dark void of the ocean's arms and let the pain of one last change overwhelm her body.

Curls of her blood floated about her in a crimson mist. Her vision was becoming hazy. The change was taking to long. Any longer and she would drown, crushed by the only thing that had truly loved her. As she fell further and further she cursed her fate, screaming into the silence of the deep. Then she took a breath. Visions of her future and the demon filled her mind as she finally touched the bottom. Her dreams were filled with these visions, making her toss and cry out. The ocean above began to stir, the clouds rumbling and white lighting skimming the surface.

Even to the floor of the deep, the boom of thunder echoed. It rocked the world under her, causing her to stir. In stirring, she glimpsed the demon shrouded in a heavy black cloak. To escape him, she pushed herself upward, toward the surface. She swiftly swam up, exploding into the utter chaos. In awe she watched as the sky shattered all around her, the moon tore herself apart. Blood stained every part of the heavens, the world seemed to have destroyed itself under the strain. The demon stood on the water above her, then, grabbing her shoulders, he pulled her up.

The Mermaid: Chapter III

Chapter Three

In sleep, she dreamed of her life before she became trapped in her own emptiness. Before she'd fallen in love.

She had been the daughter of the goddess of love and the god of hate. The most beautiful child born to the gods. She had been pampered and spoiled, loved. She'd had red curls, porcelain skin and greener than green eyes. She was taught music and became the muse of poetry and fate. Her brothers, Charis and Eteray, were gods of war, muses of history and epic orations. She had adored them both, spending long days playing with them.

On that fateful day, her brothers had been hunting with their father. She was desperately alone and to keep herself amused she decided to play her music. She'd been reclining on a cloud, draped in the golden light of the sun, playing her flute. The tune had been as mournful as the night, causing tears to spring to her eyes. She'd only glanced down upon the world below for a moment when she saw him.

Dante was a shepherd, handsome and kind. He was playing a harp, the tune merry and light. Troian had loved him from first sight. She longed to touch his brown curls, caress his satin cheek. Longed to kiss his ribbon of a smile. She could not bear to be away from him. She could not be content with watching him everyday. It was then that she had gone to her mother and pleaded with her to give her mortality.

And she had given it. Love had given her mortality. She gave up everything; her brothers, her mother and father. Everything she had ever loved, she gave up for him. Though she tried to make him love her, Dante did not love her back. He was in love with a beautiful shepherdess named Cassandra. Cassandra had hair the color of gold, long and falling in waves. Her eyes were the lightest blue anyone had ever seen, enticing and generous. No one could deny that Cassandra was beautiful, not even Troian. So she had been a shadow, watching Dante with Cassandra.

Troian had wept, trying to change his mind, but man proved fickle and strong willed. Then tragedy had struck, killing Cassandra in it's wake. While at the market, a lion attacked. The beautiful girl was the first of many who were mauled to death in the square. In the aftermath, Dante had been filled with despair, ignoring Troian and her desperate plea that he love her. Shortly after Dante killed himself in sorrow, breaking her heart.

That's when she had thrown herself into the ocean, letting the satin-soft waves engulf her. To save her the gods changed her into a mermaid, only there was a time limit. She had to be punished, she had been given a gift and she had rejected it. Thrown that gift into the ocean with her. The gods made it so that when she died, or faded, it would be into an everlasting hell. This as payment for her love, as punishment for her sin. And in the emptiness of hell, cut off from everything she would remain.

The change had been painful at first. Ripping her into pieces then burning her back together. She had cried out, screamed curses to the heavens so that the earth had rocked under her pain. She called out to her mother, pleading with her to save her, but her mother turned her back and walked away. The last thing she saw was her brothers walking away from her, turning deaf ears to her screams.

Then all had been black.

When she had awoke she was entangled in seaweed and her dress on an empty island. Then she knew she was completely alone. She had been banished, sentenced to a short time on a completely empty piece of world. Not even animals lived on her island. In the ocean she was not alone, but once she touched land she was isolated.

And for two years she had been exactly that. That was until the accident. That was when Jael had appeared. The ocean had been dark and stormy that night.

The water was screaming, seething under the tumultuous strain. Lances of lightning struck the sand, sparkling and bubbling. She had awoke as thunder rolled, booming all around her. She had looked up to see a ship blow up, illuminating the sky. It had taken all her strength to swim out to the wreck.

Desperately, she had searched, looking for any survivors, but had not found any. All were dead. Each face was burned into her mind forever. 45 men, dismembered and black from the explosion. Only one woman was among them, her body somehow managing to survive the explosion. Her dress was bloody and her chest a gaping hole. Her face was distorted, silently trapped in her final screams of anguish. For a moment, she had stared into the dead girl's face, wrestling with her thoughts. She had thought to bury the girl on the beach, but instead she had fled.

She had retreated back to the beach, trying, in vain, to cleanse her mind of the sight. On the beach, she had found the girl's heart, washed upon the shore by the storm. She had buried it, under a tree, whispering silent prayers to the blue above her.

Jael and the nightmares began the next year. When the specter had first appeared, Troian had been to frightened to speak to her. So that she had not spoken to Jael until that day on the beach. When they had first spoken, she had believed that the spirit had wanted it's heart, but Jael had never asked for it. She had wondered why the ghost had come, why the nightmares had plagued her, if not for the heart? In her dream, she determined to ask Jael the many questions probing her dreams and visions.

Then she awoke to the gentle, icy, touch of ghostly fingers.

"I think," said Jael. "its time you heard my story."

The Mermaid: Chapter II

Chapter Two

For a moment, the mermaid stopped to watch the ghost walk along the sand. Jael stopped, also looking and watching. The mermaid crawled up on to the beach, waiting for the change to happen. She was frightened, exposed and open until she regained her legs. The specter moved closer and closer, hovering above the sand. She seemed to smile slightly at the mermaid, as if to avail her fears.

"Why are you here?" the mermaid asked, standing to meet the ghost.

"I am here, as I am every year." replied the ghost, the slight smile remained, as if it had been frozen in place.

"Why do you continue to haunt me? I have not wronged you, why trouble me?"

"I want peace, mermaid." The ghost's pale fingers reached out to touch the mermaid's jeweled hair, but only brushed a strand of crimson.

The mermaid pulled back, shivering. The touch of the girl's fingers were ice and pain. It was as if her hair suddenly possessed feeling, the icy agony running through her scalp and down her spine.

"Peace does not exist. Look somewhere else if you desire it."

Jael looked into the mermaid's eyes. The mermaid could feel her presence in her mind and soul, could feel her probing her memories. The ghost did not seem to comprehend what she saw in the mermaid's green eyes, a look of confusion gathering across her brow. Then the mermaid closed her eyes, pushing Jael out of her mind, pleading with the girl to leave her alone.

"Why were you banished little one?" asked the ghost. Her voice had become soft and gentle. Her deep white-violet eyes searched the mermaid's face, touching wounds that lay buried beneath the beautiful facade. The mermaid could see her soul reflected in those eyes, something dark and sinister lay deep within her that she had not known existed. It was deeper than the ocean, deeper than her pain. It was cold and destructive, lovely and violent. Troubled, she looked away and replied,

"Because I loved. Because I loved a dream, a ghost like you."

"What is your name, mermaid?"

"Troian. Daughter of gods, mortal because of love." Silence fell between the two, uncomfortable and sorrowful. Yet, they remained in silence until the beginning of the sunset caused the ghost disappear.

Troian dove back into the depths, letting the currents drag her further and further away. And in the rhythms of the ocean, thrumming and churning about her, it was easy to forget herself. She would forget herself in the dark peace of a never-ending sea. If only the forgetting took away the pain, took away the memories. But forgetting could not take what she knew, not even to the deepest part of her soul. Even she could not forget that much. She could not forget herself, though she fooled herself into believing it.

She had loved, loved and been betrayed by it. Love did not exist, she decided. It was a myth, like unicorns. Like mermaids. Only, she could not forget who she had been, before she was myth. Before she was lost to this island, the sands of time and grief. Before she was no longer truth.

Truth. She had not thought about truth in so long that it, too, seemed to be a myth. But truth remained. Why couldn't truth exist else where? Then maybe she could believe that she was never in love and that she had never been so full of sorrow. Maybe then she could remember what it was like before anything existed, when she was the daughters of gods.

Light began to filter down to her, though it was faint as a wisp of smoke. She arose just as a bleeding sun gave birth to dawn. In the sparkling light, she seemed to be more thin and translucent then yesterday. She knew what it meant, only she did not wish to acknowledge it.

She was dying. Fading into the eternity to which her soul was doomed. She looked at her hand and gazed through it to the blue water.

"No." she whispered. It couldn't be time for her to fade yet. She had only been mortal for ten years. She was to young, to young to fade away. With no one to remember her. Nothing to leave behind, so that someone might remember that she had existed, that she had been truth once. Now she would be utterly and entirely alone, trapped beyond the reach of anything and everything. Not even Jael would be able to reach her.

Exhausted and sorrowful she made her way to the beach. Though the day held promise, she drifted off, lulled to sleep by her beloved ocean

The Mermaid: Chapter I

Troian and Dante

On a cloud, golden in hue, lay

Troian, daughter of Passion and Loathing.

Mournfully, she played a forgotten

tune and watched over empty worlds of blue.

To her weeping eyes came the

shepherd boy, Dante, playing his

stringed instruments and in singing

turned her gaze.

She cast off immortality and

loved him as humans love. Yet, Dante

returned not her fancy and, in her grief,

cast herself into the arms of the sea.

Forever she cries, her moans

and tears causing fair foam to

spring from the deep. And no ship is

safe when it be that Troian weep.

Chapter One

The blaze of orange danced on the bluest ocean. The silver of the moon was already ascending her black throne, her diamond attendants appearing behind her. A streak of emerald green, flitted just under the surface of cobalt glass. The lonesome wind whipped the waves into white dancers, crashing upon the amber sand. Red and green crabs scuttled along the shore, climbing, searching, the rough span of rocks. Dolphins grazed the surface, reaching up to the sunset sky. Seagulls called back and forth, riding the wind.

As the last sliver of sun disappeared on the horizon, she emerged from the water. She lay still as her green-silver tail changed into slender ivory legs. Her crimson-gold hair fanned around her in tangled dreadlocks; oyster pearls, gold and silver beads entwined in it.

For awhile she lay in thought, ebony encompassing the sky above her. When she stood it was as if watching a perfect statue come to life. Her hair fell to the middle of her back, her lithe body swathed in a faded wrap. She could hear the ocean calling her back to it, begging her to return, to join it in her true form. Heart swelling in her chest, she walked away.

Alone, she walked up the beach. A graceful hammock swayed back and forth in the, now, playful breeze. She did not sit in the hammock, but instead sat in front of it, digging her toes into the still warm sand. Tears rolled down her porcelain cheeks, creating small stains on the ground beneath her. She was so alone, so far from any company, any hope of love. Love was what had trapped her here, banishing her to this place. She would live and die here, exiled from her people and forever alone.

The trees gently swung above her, eclipsing her view of the sky. Eternity was not so long, she thought. If only she had a friend, a companion. Someone to share her thoughts with, love and be with. What did she need with love? She did not wish to remember, only the memories came anyway. She did not need companions, or friends. She had been deceived by her family, by her friends and by love. Still, she remained lonely and dismally in despair. She didn't notice when the tears began to fall faster, she only climbed into her hammock, wishing for sleep to come quickly.

The tears continued to flow, even as her green-apple eyes closed in sleep.

The sky erupted with spears of white lightning, the moon hiding behind a lacy, black, cover. The girl was wandering up and down the beach, wild ocean, tugging, pulling her in to it's salty embrace. Black curls swept about her shoulders, white-violet eyes gazing into the fury of the storm. She stood still, untouched by the chaos around her. In horror, the mermaid watched the crimson rain fall all around the girl, never touching her pale skin or black hair. Slowly, her gaze turned onto the mermaid. She seemed to speak, but the words were lost on the violence of the wind.

Then she looked back out to the raging sea. A fire licked the horizon, screams of terror overpowering the storm's might. A ship came closer and closer, setting the water ablaze. Then it exploded, bursting into indistinct pieces and lighting the sky with bodies of fire. In that moment the girl disappeared, only a beating heart lay where she had stood. Blood stained the heavens above, the moon gorging herself upon the havoc. Then all was darkness and ocean.

Her breath was ragged as she sat upright. Sweat dripped from her lean body, causing her to shiver with cold. Pulling her knees to her chest, she wished everything would disappear. This was the fifth time the dream had come this month. It always came more often when winter began to approach.

All she knew was the girl's name was Jael.

The voice of the ocean began to call her, once again pleading with her to come to it's arms. She ran into the arms of the water, diving beneath the waves and allowing the change to engulf her body. It wasn't painful, not anymore. She could remember the first time she had changed, the first time she'd been released. It seemed so long ago, distant as the moon above, yet closer than the water which pressed against her. Why could she not purge herself of these memories? Purge her soul of this nightmare? Of this girl?

The dream continued to plague her as she swam. She fled further and further into the arms of the depths, trying to escape the nightmare. Brushing her fingers along the bottom, she felt as if she was touching the stars. She could not think of anything but the dream and as it became more clear to her, she shivered. She lay at the bottom a long while willing her heart to stop wildly raging in her chest. If only she could escape the nightmare, purge it from her thoughts, from her heart. Maybe then she could rest, close her eyes and let the water rock her to sleep.

Something inside of her, pushed the dream down and she began to feel drowsy. She closed her eyes and when she awoke all trace of her nightmare was gone. She did not sleep long, but the sun was already half way through with his work. The longing for the warmth of the sun brought her to the sparkling surface and there on the golden beach stood Jael.

Insanity

You tore my heart out, crushed it right in front of my face. How can all this be my fault? You were the one who said it would be okay. Now you say that I have to go and you get off free and clear. Well, I don't want it to be like this. What kind of truth is this? That you loved me, now you don't? And then you give me a broken kiss to make up for all the pain that you've caused. As if that will heal the wounds, and erase the scars.
Okay, so now you are gone and its been only a few weeks. And I cry every night to keep from those terrible dreams. I've never felt such pain, such agony in my soul. Without you everything is empty and nothing is whole. All I have ever longed for was a true love, one that would heal what was broken, love me as I am.
All that you offer me is a slow, pain filled death. One that would know no joy filled moment, not one loving gaze or one special kiss. And I would give up everything for that! I would be willing to die for you, die that slow painful death and never enjoy those moments, just so that I could claim that you loved me again.

A Forgotten World’s Last Goodbye

To die such a beautiful death and to have never lived,
what a way to end it all. I have never felt such power
as when the knife lies bloody at my side. Could it be
that love is a broken china doll? God a figment or my
imagination?

No, that can't be right. Love a china doll? God a figment
of a twisted mind's deadly imagination? No, not that.
Truth is a tiger's breath, rancid with the smell of death,
dripping with the poison of living a lie. Love is not a
reality, but a child's dream that lies forgotten in a corner
after much time.

Whoever said love existed, must have been trying to
make the world a happier place, change the frown on the
face of the human race. Well, love does not heal, it kills
and it fades and it lies by to ensnare me. Love is a grave,
deep and hollow, waiting for a bride to fall into it's muddy
arms, and fill the space that was so long empty.

So let all that is broken and bleeding flow to the sea, entrapt
in a watery tomb and forgotten by a world that no longer
feels. I will remain, drowned and held beneath bloody waves
of love. No man shall see me, lest he be dead and drowning
like me. And we will be a forgotten world's last goodbye, a
goodbye to all the hypocrisy and lies.

How I know that God loves us... (a NCC of Spencer Blog)

Okay, I was talking to a friend, aka: the pastor of the New Community Church of Spencer (which, in case you hadn't noticed has currently gone MIA), and he told me how he knows that God loves us... He presents his case to all the non-believers, atheists and agnostics in this way:
Pastor: Your honour, I am now going to provide the entire court with big pieces of fried chicken...
The fried chicken is passed out, everyone is contentedly munching on the chickeny goodness of it.
Pastor: I rest my case, your honour.
Judge: What case is that?
Pastor: I know that God loves us, because He made chicken delicious. And because chicken is so delicious, God must love us. He didn't have to make it taste so good, He doesn't have to do anything for us, but He did and He does. And I know that God loves us, because you are all enjoying that wonderful fried chicken. Case Rested.
And no one, not the atheists or the agnostics or the scientologists, can argue with that logic. Because the chickeny truth is inside them. They can not deny that chicken is amazing and therefore cannot deny that God loves them.
The entire world is harmonized in this fact and Chicken reigns supreme as the best example of God's Love, next to sending His son to die for us.

Now, the truth is, that there are many ways to tell that God loves us besides Chicken... for example: I wake up every morning to a beautiful sunrise and I sleep every night under a beautiful moon. I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in. And even if I didn't have these things, I would still know that God loves me because He sent His only (ONE AND ONLY) son to die a hideously painful death on a cross so that we would have eternal life with Him. If that doesn't spell out love, I don't know what does.

September's Tarantella

Turn out the light and follow me into
the everlasting black of night. Devoid of moon,
devoid of stars, all light faded into the bleak
darkness of our wicked hearts.
Court me in the dark, let us drink from
the cup of shared poison for I am parched.
Devour me, heart and soul. Covet me, break
me and make me whole.
Cordially, you kiss my hand. Violently, you take
all that is within me. God, that I were a
dark angel so that I might give you immortality.
Give you wings so that we might fly.
Turn out the light and let us break our
silence. There is a rare beauty in the
breaking. Take my pen to parchment and I
will write of the wickedness of this starless night.
For angels burn and mortals fail, demons love
and the stars fade into the darkest hell. And you
and I are lovers twain, starcrossed and ghosts in
this vicious reality.
Dearest Soul, all are blind. None can see,
none can find. Gripped in a precious
love that Dante ne'er could define and
all is black and white in your mind.
So, come down moon, die fair sun.
You and I will dance 'til dawn be a
dying world's last tearful goodbye.
And dying worlds cease to die.
Let all that is chaotic and lovely
chase all our knowledge away and
cleanse our souls for the brand
newest of days.
For never did I cry for tomorrows to
come, but for todays which will die. Let all
that is known be erased and we will begin again
in a different space.
No heaven, no hell. No blue ocean or bloody
red. And emptiness reigns where love knows no
bounds. And bloodfire lilies and ivory rose of old
are burnt 'neath the frozen hearts of the dead.
No mirror to see in,no bones to break.
Let all that we once loved tremble and quake.
And all will now fade, forgotten by some, loved by
a precious one and remembered by none.

Chaos Rising

You pour burning flowers down my throat,

Cast another lily on the fire. O that I had

Spoken sooner, caught your tongue like

A cat.

I had no idea that you would call, or that

Fire could be so cold. I hate that about you

Every flower you put on doesn't burn, only

Freezes my heart.

Do you know a riddle? Hit the nail on the

Head, carry the old woman to bed. Break

Me down, build me up, put another rose

On the fire.

Burn me down, burn me up. Kiss me with

Kisses that sear, lips that chill me to the bone.

Haunt my soul with those burnt flowers, let the

Ghosts of all that has passed, touch me.

I am not afraid of death, only of life that

Is so very unfair. Come, teach me Plato,

Teach me Shakespeare. Show me words

That can express the soul.

Define God to me, even though He cannot

Be defined. Define love in words that don't

Exist. Burn another flower on the cross

That you love, then cast me on as well.

Collapsed and broken, like the flowers you

Have burned. Am I bruised? Am I burnt up?

Do you still see me? Or have I faded like

Those unfortunate orchids?

Love me or hate me, kiss me or hit me. Don't

Let's stand here in this putrid silence. White

And black photos scattered on the floor,

Those photos burn as well.

So let's forget this whole matter, burn the

Flowers and pour them on my coffin. Let

Them bury me in the sea of simplicity. I

Care not for anything here.

So cast the marigold on the fire, let the

Beautiful flames fly up and let them cause

Everything else to fade away. I will remain

Hidden and open, buried by a flowery flame.

Broken Rivers (10/19/05)

My tears flow like the river.
They fill a muddy bank and dwell
within its murky boundaries.
My soul has become the forgotten
turns of the river.

Broken rivers, hear my cry.
You follow the shattered bones
of my people as we move down
to the depths of crushed dreams.
My heart has become a bloody tie
to a forgotten people.

Endless, clear water rise to
greet the weary feet of a
weary nation.
My downtrodden spirit weeps
at the touch of your cool
waters.

My soul has become the forgotten
turns of a broken river.

The Dying Embers (a story for Joe)

Prologue

The moon caressed the gentle waters of a rustling creek. The watery bed broken by stones and the decaying body of Zara Todd. A silvery sweet glow reflected the eyes of the young slave girls violently green eyes, wide in the horror of her last breath. A feast for the scavengers, her corpse devoured by the bugs and wildlife. Yet, her eyes remained glossy and intact.

The quivering of the restless breeze stirred the weeping willows of the plantation. A noble house, once inhabited, stood motionless. As if it had never been touched by evil or murder. A girl could be seen wandering in and amongst the willows, barefoot and bloody. Her black curls matted with blood, leaves and the earth to which she was married.

For a moment, she stopped. Waiting in the silence for some sign of her lover, long gone from the place. Her violently green eyes were sunk deep in her thin face. Her, light, cinnamon-colored skin glowed iridescent in the light of a fiery moon. Her dress, caked in the blood of her struggle, hung loosely from her bony shoulders.

Slowly, she knelt beside the body that had once been her own. Her trembling fingers brushed the cadavers face, tears chorusing down the specters own face. Gradually, her eyes searched the horizon, haunted by an undeserved fate. Then, from deep within the soul of one unjustly murdered, came a scream. The screams of anguish flourished and echoed in the silence of a callous world. The willows trembled with the pain of the sound and, in the echo; the blood of a lone traveler was turned to ice.

Warily, the lone traveler crept up to the place where the apparition lay. Stretched over the corpse's body, the phantom wept tears of ice and blood. Her eyes remained ajar and flooded by her tears. Hearing a twig snap, her violent green eyes turned on the stranger. In that moment, all that entertained his mind was to escape his peril. Yet, in that moment, his peril became reality. When the spirit arose, he was dead upon the fallen leaves of autumn. Blood covered his body, the ghostly girl's mouth dripping with it. Gently, she smiled at her victim. He was not her original prey, but the randomness of the violence eased her tortured soul. From then on she devoured all that strayed into her path.

Chapter One

Zara Todd was washing clothing in the backyard of the Todd Plantation. She had lived on this land since she was born. The willows were the only witness to the events of the day. Cassidy Todd, the only son of the master, quietly slipped out the door. Not a sound came from him as he tiptoed behind Zara. She hummed as she hung clothes on the line, her mind on the golden sunset above her.

Ah ha! Cassidy wrapped both arms around Zara's waist and lifted her off the ground, spinning about.

Cass, don't do that! You done frightened me near outta my skin! Zara turned and smiled at the young man behind her. His honey blond curls encircled his head like a halo. His deep brown eyes were like melted chocolate, they could see to her very soul. She loved him more than any other.

Cassidy gently pressed his lips against Zara's, taking in the sweetness of her mouth. She was like a sweet rain, her voice and mouth like smoky vanilla. He couldn't imagine loving anyone quite as much as he loved her. His fingers tenderly caressed her black curls, loose and flowing in the autumn breeze. The willows danced about them, their graceful branches tossed about on the wind. Pulling away from their kiss, Cassidy took Zara's hand and led her down to the creek. The suns rosy glow hovered over the silently flowing water, only broken by the stony bottom.

Promise never to leave me? Cassidy held her to his chest, his heart beat combine with hers.

Can't promise nothing like that. Don't got no power over whether I leaves or stays. You know that. Zara tried not to cry, but it was truth. As a slave she had no rights of her own. Her mother and father had already been sold away, why shouldn't she be next to go?

I will never let them sell you away from here. I couldn't live without you by my side. I love you with so much of my heart that virtually none is left to give.

Lifting her face up to his, Cassidy smiled. He knew that he could get his father to do anything he wanted. He was the only son; they had to give him his desires. The dying embers of the sun slipped over the horizon and the moon arose from her bed. A silvery glow encompassed the world inside the willows, a world that only belonged to the lovers, oblivious to everything else.

The moon was high as Zara tiptoed back to her shack. The stars glowed as bright as the sun. She was afraid that someone would be awake and realize that she wasn't in her cabin. The cabins were checked twice a night to make sure that no slaves had gone missing in the night. For some reason, the slave driver hadn't checked them yet, because the door was still closed as she had left it earlier that morning.

As she opened the door it was as if she was in a dream. Mr. Jordan, the slave driver was sitting on her cornhusk bed, his eyes bright in the darkness. As if his eyes were that of a tigers, they smoldered hazel in the heat of the room. His hate was apparent, as was his lust.

Where have you been? You were supposed to be here an hour ago. His voice caused Zara's blood to run cold, a prick of fear at her back.

Chapter Two

Zara backed away, slowly. Her fear of Mr. Jordan was apparent. Seizing her arm, he fell upon her neck, kissing her with savage and cruel lips. Struggling, she broke free and ran from him. Deeper and deeper into the sullen forest she tread, his whip are her heels.

Out of exhaustion, she fell to the ground beneath a quivering weeping willow. A creek sped past her and, in despair, she claimed unconscienceousness.

Mr. Jordan, being out of breath, came upon Zara's limp body and was glad of the solitude. His way was cruel and when he had finished he slunk back to his cabin. For a lengthy time Zara lay quiet. Wishing for the pain her body was feeling to cease.

She managed to crawl back to her hovel and, in pure agony, fell upon the corn husk bed. When the cheerful sun arose, Zara was pale with fever and chilled to the marrow of her bones. She prayed for death to come, but it didn't. She cried out for someone to save her from her anguish, but no one came.

Then, slowly, she began to concoct a plan to exact her revenge on Mr. Jordan. She would murder him. And no one would ever find out. Yes, that's it, she would kill him after torturing him for all the torment she had suffered at his cruel hands. And when Mr. Jordan came again to claim her, she was ready.

Chapter Three

Standing, Zara began to walk to the creek to wash the blood from her hands. The moon seemed stained with the blood she had shed, as it stood crimson against the dark. In its light, Zara perceived a man coming from Maria's cabin. This man stumbled about, still drunken and uncleanly. Quietly, she came closer to him, in hopes of getting a better look. Was it a ghost? She wondered. Because, standing in front of her was Jordan. But that wasn't possible, was it? Jordan lay dead in her cabin.

Jordan didn't seem to notice Zara as he stumbled back to his cabin. He was starting to feel drowsy and, through bloodshot eyes, trudged past. Zara took off, running for the creek, quickly washing the scarlet from her hands. When she returned, she gingerly stepped over the body, praying it was Jordan. Shaking, she struck a match and held it to the face of the man.

In terror, she dropped the match. Golden curls hung limply, dyed a deeper red than she knew existed. Deep brown eyes lay, like discarded marbles, near her bed. The dead man was Cassidy Todd, her lover and best friend. Hot tears of regret and horror engulfed her as she took the mutilated head of her lover into her lap. How could she have mistaken her beloved Cass for someone as wicked and evil as Thomas Jordan? She had purposefully caused pain to the man that had loved her; she had tormented him in his last moments as if he was a common scoundrel. Her shame and pain slowly took over her body and she fell into a sleep like state, Cass's head still in her arms.

Her sleep was tormented by nightmares, replaying her acts in her head. She awoke to the sound of a pounding on her door. Casting a terrified glance about her, she looked down to see that she still cradled the head of the dead man. Darkness still cloaked the sky and the moon had not moved since she had fallen asleep. Yet, the pounding on her door remained ceaseless. Carefully, she pushed Cassidy's bloody body into a corner behind the door. Then opening it, she discovered Cassidy.

Pale as a shadow, the ghost smiled at Zara. Taking her hand in his own, he led her to the willows. There he finally spoke.

"Zara, you killed me." His voice was deeper than the thunder and sharp like the knife that had killed him. Every word cutting her deeper than the previous.

"But I…I didn't mean to. I was trying to…"

The apparition interrupted her with words colder than ice. "You did try to kill me. You wanted me to suffer and you wanted me to die like I did. You wanted me to die as if I was a cruel and harsh man."

"Why are you telling me this?!" she pressed her hands over her ears, Cass's blood still staining her hands.

"I want you to have to bear this cross forever. I want your mind to wither with the knowledge, forever echoing with this damning thought. You are a murderer of innocent blood."

With his last words, Cass disappeared from her sight. Leaving behind only a chill in the air that settled over her.

Chapter Four: The Ending of All

For years no one knew what had happened to Cassidy Todd. His family offered to pay money for someone, anyone to find him. Only Zara knew what had happened and she alone knew where the body was hidden. Pain tore at her every waking moment, every night she couldn't sleep because of her nightmares. She became thinner and thinner, denying herself food. Her mind was being eaten away with the knowledge that she had destroyed the one thing she had loved.

She would follow the paths through the woods to the place where she had placed Cass, talking to him and driving herself insane with her memories. Even Jordan left her alone now, not even he derived pleasure from kicking a dog when it was down.

Then, one night as she lay in her bed, she heard the sweet laughter of Cassidy. She could hear him calling to her, singing to her. Teasing her into moving. She followed the sound to the edge of the creek bed. There she saw Cassidy's sister, Anna Sophia, the female version of her brother. She stood on the other side of the creek, dancing in the soft light of the stars.

"Zara, dance with me!" she called, her willowy spirit floating and twisting in the savage wind.

"No, no. Please, don't do this to me." Zara mumbled under her breath. Tears began to fall. Then she saw Anna Sophia moving across the creek, as if she was walking atop the water. Eyes wide in terror, Zara began to move backwards, staring at Anna Sophia. Anna's mouth was dripping with blood, her ghostly blonde hair floating about her face. Anna had died a year before her brother, murdered by her lover.

Zara's soul quaked at the beauty of the ghost girl. She longed to be like the apparition before her, she was tired of her guilty insanity. Her soul had been murdered by her own hands, by her own faults and failures. She could feel the tears falling faster as she watched the girl dance around her. The girl's face was beautiful despite the blood that dripped from her face and hands. She held the image of her brother's crestfallen head in her palms, taunting Zara. Zara couldn't breathe, her mistake burning into her weary mind, stealing all her hope of ever living again.

"I've come to claim revenge for my brother." Said the specter. She was smiling, the blood oozing down her face. Zara began to shake, her heart beating furiously in her. She looked down to see a knife, covered in blood. It was the same one she had used to kill Cassidy. Trembling, she took it in her hands and then thrust it deep inside of her chest. She could feel the sharp pain of the knife burying itself in her broken heart and then it was over. Zara's body lay in the emerald grass of the quiet place. Anna Sophia's bloody mouth, smiling above her. Dooming her to an eternity in misery and loneliness.

Epilogue

Thomas Jordan murdered the rest of the Todd family in the middle of the night; he then kidnapped the slaves and began his own plantation in the Caribbean. The rumors of the ghost of Zara Todd began after the mysterious disappearance of David Marks, a wanderer and distant relative of Cassidy. He had the same blond curls and deep brown eyes. A week after his disappearance, his bloody, decaying body was found next to the decayed body of Zara. The ghost of Zara Todd still wanders the plantation to this day, but no one will go near to see her. Whenever you get close enough you can still hear the shrill screams of her anguish. Legend says that if you come close to where she hid Cass's body that she will kill.

Many disappearances were later attributed to the vampiric ghost and she has become known to take her vengeance upon any that dare to disturb her in her misery. Maybe one day she will find peace, or maybe she will kill again. No one knows what she will do and no one has ever survived to tell.

This story has been dedicated to Joe Newman, who had to wait WAY to long for the ending! Joe, you are a good friend and appreciator of my crazy stories. Thanks!

Sarah E. LeTendre

51 Questions (a NCC of Spencer Blog)

"I have learned to Be content" Paul

Can you answer 51 questions about the 1st person on your top friends list?

Don't change your top friend....


1) What's their first name?
New Community Church

2) Does he or she have a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Yes, His name is Jesus Christ

3) Are they male or female?
both

4) How old is the person?
about a year old

5) Has he/she ever cooked for you?
no, but they have provided me with spiritual food

6) Is this person older than you?
In maturity, yes. In actual age, no!

7) Have you ever kissed this person?
No

8) When was the last time you thought about them?
Today, i need to write another blog for them.

9) Are you related to this person?
yes, because we are all related in Christ

10) Are you really close to him/her?
I try to be

11.Nickname?
NCCofSpencer

13) How many times do you talk to this person in a week?
not often enough

14) Do you think they will repost this?
no

15) Could you live with this person?
Yes, in heaven

16) Why is this person your number 1?
Because they are my church and I want to support them!

18) How long have you known this person?
i think 1 or 2 years

19) Have you ever been to the mall with this person?
No

20) Have you ever had a sleepover with this person?
no

21) If you ever moved away would you miss this person?
I already miss them, because we live in B-ton now!

22) Have you ever given this person something?
my time

23) Have you ever done something really stupid or illegal with this person?
nope

24) Do you know everything about this person?
no

25) Would you date this person's siblings?
no

27) Have you ever made something with this person?
no

29) Have you gone skinny dipping with this person?
no

31) Is your 1 on drugs?
only the bible drug!!

32) Do you know this person's shoe size?
nope and i hope to keep it that way!

33) Have you ever worn this person's clothes?
no

34) Have you and your 1 person made up a hand shake?
no

35) If it was "freaky friday" would you switch bodies with this person?
no

36)Have you ever heard this person sing?
yes and its amazing what happens when multiple voices become one!

38) Do you and this person have a saying?
no

39) Do you know this persons myspace password?
yes

40) Do you know this persons best friend?
yes

41) Have you and this person ever gotten into a fight that lasted more than 2 days?
we have never fought

42) Does this person cry a lot?
yes, because we are crying out to God to help this world!

44.) Have you and this person gone clubbing?
no

45) Do you know how to make this person feel happy?
no

46) Do you and this person talk alot?
no

47) Have you licked this person?
no

48)Has this person yelled at you?
no

49) Have you and this person got into a fist fight?
no

50) Do you like this person?
yes, if i didn't they wouldn't be my friend!!

51) Do you want to be friends with them forever?
yes!

Cemeteries...

I stood at the edge of my reason, staring deep into the abyss of oblivion. It looks beautiful, the sparkle of a million stars reflected in the black mirror.
I stood at the edge of my cemetery, blanketed in crimson leaves. I could hear the moans of a thousand dead rising on the wind that shook the trees and shook my soul.
I stood at the edge of my life, watching it fly past on black gossamer wings, tipped in the blood of my broken soul. I could not breathe, because of the lack of air and could not see because of the lack of light. Darkness wrapped its arms about me and I was swept up in its arms.
I stood at the edge of forever, praying that I wouldn't fall into the depths of oblivion. A girl, much like myself, stares back at me, her eyes blacker than black. I long to touch her, because she seems so much more lovely on the other side of a black mirror. I touch her face and I die a little, trying to reach her side of the glass.
And now, I stand with her on her side and I long to return to the sun and those sparkling stars that no longer shine. Darkness is a friend, but he is never kind to those who resist. And I still hear the moan of a thousand dead riding the screams of the lonesome wind, as she whips through the naked trees of autumn.

A Voice in the Dark (2/03/06)

I cried for a long time,
waiting for a sign, relief
from the pain couldn't be
found in cutting or wine.
A voice in the dark, the
one I longed to hear,
your voice carrying me
here.
Sleep is a weary traveler's
friend, death the broken-
hearted's. For my weary
soul bring a voice in the dark.
A voice in the dark, a stir
of the echoes, silence in
place of death. Grasp and
hold my memories still.
Tranquil lie the vows of
marriage, broken lie the
bands of love, bloody lie the
hearts of the weary soul,
longing desperately for love.

I Never...

I never realized when I said goodbye, it would be the last time we ever spoke. I didn't realize that you would just walk out of my life like that, leaving me standing here, broken and cold. I thought you loved me, but I guess not. Or maybe you never did and this was all a lie, a lie that I have lived with. Or maybe it is my fault that you are now gone, maybe I wasn't good enough. All I know is that you have left me to myself, and I loved you.
I loved you with so much of myself that it hurt and now I realize that I never understood. Everything reminds me of you, songs and people on the tv. How could you leave me? Dessert me like you did, was I not broken enough before you? People tell me that I deserve better, but maybe I didn't even deserve you. Maybe I deserve the pain that you left me in and maybe I deserve everything I have ever experienced.
But I loved you! I Loved You, with so much of my soul that there was none left to give anyone else. My heart lays in disrepair, shattered by the love I had for you. If love is like this, I don't want any part of it. Love is a poison. But what a beautiful way to die. I fear this love which destroyed me and now I lay here, broken and bleeding. I can take this no longer. Let me die, because this is no way to live.

A verse for you to ponder... (a NCC of Spencer Blog)

"Do not be anxious for anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, make your petition known to God." Philippians 4:6.
To be anxious is to worry. Supplication is like a petition, you are presenting something in a request form. Why do I have this verse here? Because I am anxious and I have not petitioned God through prayer, supplication and thanksgiving. I admit to being sinful and fallen and I have not always done what I should have.
Tonight my mom and I got into one of our biggest fights ever. Over what you ask? Prayer. I recently felt the calling of God telling me to do something I have no desire to do. My mom doesn't seem to believe that I really heard God. She feels that it may have been something else talking. So she asked me to pray again and ask for confirmation. I wanted to know how I was supposed to know if it was really God or that other "thing" to which she attributes the first incident.
Granted, I was sarcastic and provoked my mother. But, seriously, I want to know how in Heaven's sweet name I am supposed to know who is talking to me? Is it God or is it something else? And do I continue in prayer and supplication, making my requests known to the Almighty?

A cure for the blues (a NCC of Spencer Blog)

A friend sent this to me and it is an AMAZING testimony!! I will never look at the world the same way, because it so changes your perspective. What would happen if you were born w/o arms AND legs? what would you do?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DxlJWJ_WfA

If you are able to watch YouTube, then you NEED to watch this!! It is amazing and an inspiration!
Sarai

Verse of the Day Part III (a NCC of Spencer Blog)

May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world. Galatians 6:14.
"May I never boast..."? May I NEVER boast, except in the cross of OUR LORD... What does it mean, not to boast except in the Cross? Am I not allowed to be happy about something that I have done right? well, the technical definition of "boasting" is "To glorify oneself in speech; talk in a self-admiring way." or "The act or an instance of bragging." So, basically, it means to talk about how wonderful you are.
Example? I am the BEST blog writer in the world... or I'm the nicest person in the universe, because I help people.
Now, am I helping people because I want attention, or am I doing it because I feel called to? Thats the difference between boasting and feeling good about something you did. I can help someone and not have to boast about it to make myself feel better.
The bible talks about priests who would stand in the street and pray their prayers aloud so that everyone could here them. Okay, that's boasting. In fact, the bible says that Jesus didn't want anyone to know about his good deeds. For example, HE raised a little girl from the dead (Luke 8:40-56) and HE tells the little girl's parents to keep it quiet that he had raised her. That isn't boasting. Boasting would've been, "Oh by the way, make sure you tell everyone how wonderful I am because I totally raised your kid from the dead."
Paul said, "May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ," So, I may boast in the good works of my Lord, my Saviour, but may I never boast in myself. For Self is weak and God is perfection. As weakness, I never do anything good of my own will, it is by the perfect will of the ONE who knit me in my mother's womb that I do anything that may be perceived as good.
May I only boast in what my Lord has done.

Verse of the Day part II (a NCC of Spencer Blog)

"Delight yourself in the LORD and HE will give you the desires of your heart."
Psalm 37:4
Okay, so if I (who am small and weak) delight myself in the LORD (who is all powerful and all knowing), then I can have whatever I desire?! No. Well, not in the way that the world thinks. So, I can't desire that someone dies a slow and painful death. That wouldn't happen, because then I definitely am not delighting myself in the LORD. I'm delighting in my sadistic desire for someone's death.
So, what does The LORD mean when he says "Delight yourself in ME"? the dictionary defines "Delight" as a high degree of pleasure or enjoyment; joy; rapture (www.dictionary.com). So, delight in the LORD, we know what delight means, but what does it mean to do so in the LORD.
To me it means that no matter the circumstance I still have a reason to be joyful and happy. So, even if my dog dies or my parents divorce or we all die from getting eaten by dinosaurs, I still have a reason to be happy. Because the LORD tells me to take my strength from HIM and my joy from knowing that I have a Savior.
Now, heres the best part. Because I have done as the LORD has asked me (delighting in HIM and not in the "delights" of this world) I get to have the desires of my heart. The desires of my, personal, heart? Becoming famous and changing the world. Big desires, right? Wrong. GOD can give me anything (except the sinful parts of this world, like asking for the sadistically slow death of an enemy) I ask for. Another verse says that if I have faith like a mustard seed I can move mountains. It is all in whether I have faith or not. I believe that I can do all things through CHRIST who gives me strength. There is nothing that GOD can't do.
So, whether you want a new bike or you want to move mountains believe that if you DELIGHT in GOD that HE can give you the desires of your heart.

Verse of the Day (a NCC of Spencer Blog)

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." 2 Corinthians 4:16 (NIV)
Today this verse has struck something inside of me. Imagine this, we are small, insignificant in the eyes of an ALMIGHTY and OMNIPOTENT God, but HE doesn't see us that way. So, HE provides a way for us to be RENEWED every day. HIS word renews us, feeds our soul and our spirit. So even when life feels like it is crashing down, you are out of glue and you can't catch all the pieces that are raining down anyway, HE has given us a way to piece our lives back together. I've been going through a tough time myself, where everything feels like it is crashing down on top of me and I am so far from a place where I feel safe. But its gonna be okay, because HE has provided a way for me to be renewed. The Bible.
Got the Word?

Expectations (a NCC of Spencer Blog)

Last night, at our weekly meeting, we discussed expectations. Like how when you take a drink of what you expect to be Iced Tea and it turns out to Pepsi. At first you make a terrible face, because what you were expecting wasn't what you got. Thats how it is with church a lot of the time. Either we expect the people to be perfect because its church or we expect it to be terrible because thats all we've ever known. And if we expect these things we are either disappointed, because they can't live up to our standards, or we are smug because they just proved our point.
These "expectations" are more like prejudices. We "expect" christians to be perfect, but truth is we aren't. We are human as well! Only by Christ's love do we even survive, because Christ is the perfection and we are his children. We hope to attain his perfection, but we aren't perfect yet.
Or we "expect" christians to be hypocritical, puritanistic, annoyances of the world. And when we "expect" this then thats all we see in others. But truth is, expecting someone to be perfect or hypocritical doesn't make them that way. Just like expecting pepsi to be iced tea.
So, why do we let these "expectations" color our view on christianity and other religions? How about this, the next time you find that you are expecting (assuming) that someone will fall, change your point of view and expect that they will do well, and even if they don't expect that you will help pick them back up.

The Love Club (a NCC of Spencer Blog)

The Love Club is kind of what We (New Community Church of Spencer) are calling ourselves. We want to make it our job to LOVE EVERYONE!!! Because that is what we are supposed to do, is love one another as Jesus Christ loved us. Even if we get mad, we commit ourselves to loving despite the faults of people. I don't know about you, but I am happy to be in the Love Club. And we aren't talking about "free" love like you see in the movies and all over. We want to make people aware of the promise we have striven to keep. To Love everyone as a brother or sister in Christ Jesus.
Love means (to us) to accept the differences of others, to love despite faults and to pray for the sins of our brethren. I am excited to be a part of this!

running away

i'm running away. i hope someone will care that i've left and am no longer there. I'm tired of all this crap that i'm trying to escape... and i hope you won't think me rude, but i'm done with it and i'm running away. i don't know where i will go, or what i will do, but i'm tired of this bullshit and i'm through. so i'm running away, this is my goodbye. please don't try to stop me, 'cause if i stay i'll die.