* Mood: Love Dazed
* Listening to: Vanilla Twilight
* Reading: The Life and Death of Anne Boleyn by Eric Ives
* Eating: Food...
* Drinking: Coke Zero
I guess the majorly depressing thing about Wedding planning (yeah, let's face it, I'm going to be talking about this until the day arrives) is realizing how many people aren't going to be there. For example, my Grandpa.
But there are so many great things about it too! For example I was able to upload a scan of my original concept for my dress! And I have figured out the Bridesmaid dresses, colors, Ring-bearer's tuxedo, Cake and a few other details.
I have a bunch of stuff yet to do. And to all those who seem to think planning is stupid at this point, You are supposed to have your dress paid for and ready a year in advance!! I'll be lucky to get it a few months before.
Also, I think it is a good thing to figure out costs NOW rather than a month or so before hand.
Anyway... nothing new going on right now. I wrote a new story, but have yet to post it. It feels really personal so I don't know yet.
Listening to music looking at LOLcats and watching a documentary which you should check out at [http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/divided/etc/view.html]
All for now
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Wedding planning is a bit of a Bitch (dA)
* Mood: Love Dazed
* Reading: The Life and Death of Anne Boleyn by Eric Ives
* Drinking: Cranberry juice
Who knew that wedding planning could be so difficult?
I have a bunch of stuff already planned but apparently there were a BUNCH of things I didn't plan.
OH well. Working on it tomorrow.
Love,
Sarai
* Reading: The Life and Death of Anne Boleyn by Eric Ives
* Drinking: Cranberry juice
Who knew that wedding planning could be so difficult?
I have a bunch of stuff already planned but apparently there were a BUNCH of things I didn't plan.
OH well. Working on it tomorrow.
Love,
Sarai
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Sadie, Sadie Married Lady.
So, on this day (February 16th, 2010) my beautiful Boyfriend, Donnie, proposed.
Yep, that's right, PROPOSED!
It was around 4am, lol. I know. Really early. I was playing Oblivion (the Elder Scrolls) when Donnie walks up and lifts up his shirt. I glance over and written on his chest in sharpie is "Sarah, will you marry me?"
And, I said Yes.
Of course the wedding will not be until 2011 or 2012 as we are BROKE!
I'm thinking either September or May. Haven't decided yet. At least I know who will be my flower girl and ring bearer. And, if I hadn't already planned this wedding back in 2005, I might be a little more worried right now.
Thank God for pre-planning.
All for now!!
*hums "Sadie, Sadie Married Lady"*
Yep, that's right, PROPOSED!
It was around 4am, lol. I know. Really early. I was playing Oblivion (the Elder Scrolls) when Donnie walks up and lifts up his shirt. I glance over and written on his chest in sharpie is "Sarah, will you marry me?"
And, I said Yes.
Of course the wedding will not be until 2011 or 2012 as we are BROKE!
I'm thinking either September or May. Haven't decided yet. At least I know who will be my flower girl and ring bearer. And, if I hadn't already planned this wedding back in 2005, I might be a little more worried right now.
Thank God for pre-planning.
All for now!!
*hums "Sadie, Sadie Married Lady"*
Gone with the Wind *spoilers*
Current mood:accomplished
If I had my book there would be a lot more here, but as it is... I will quote only Rhett Butler. I love him... Clark Gable was a fine actor who I think really did the character of Rhett Butler justice.
Rhett Butler: With enough courage, you can do without a reputation. (Book and Movie)
Rhett Butler: How fickle is woman. (Book and Movie)
Rhett Butler: No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how. (Movie and Book)
Rhett Butler: You're so brutal to those who love you, Scarlett. You take their love and hold it over their heads like a whip. (Book)
One of the most amazing, influential and accurate historical novels of the time "Gone with the Wind" was written by Margaret Mitchell. It was her only book as she was killed in an accident at the age of 48. She was hit by a car while on her way to the Theatre. She won the Pulitzer Prize for "Gone with the Wind".
Vivien Leigh hated kissing Clark Gable. She said his breath stank. I would just give him a tic tac and go to town personally... *giggle*
Gone with the Wind was actually a very controversial movie. In it Scarlett is raped by Rhett (during their marriage), the slaves were "happy" to be slaves, and there was the Soldiers Hospital which was more gruesome than any movie previous. Also, it was the first movie created in Hollywood that had a cuss word. Rhett says "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn" at the end.
The first scene to be shot was the burning of the Atlanta Depot, filmed on 10 December 1938. If there was a major mistake during the filming, the entire film might have been scrapped. They actually burned many old sets that needed to be cleared from the studio backlot, including sets from The Garden of Allah (1936) and the "Great Wall" set from King Kong (1933). The fire cost over $25,000, and yielded 113 minutes of footage. It was so intense that Culver City residents jammed the telephones lines, thinking MGM was burning down.
In the scene where Scarlett searches for Dr. Meade, making her way among 1,600 suffering and dying Confederate soldiers, to cut costs and still comply with a union rule that dictated the use of a certain percentage of extras in the cast, 800 dummies were scattered among 800 extras.
In the scene where Rhett pours Mammy a drink after the birth of Bonnie, for a joke during a take, Clark Gable actually poured alcohol instead of the usual tea into the decanter without Hattie McDaniel knowing it until she took a swig.
Margaret Mitchell wrote her novel between 1926 and 1929. In her early drafts, the main character was named "Pansy O'Hara" and the O'Hara plantation we know as Tara was called "Fountenoy Hall."
Clark Gable was so distressed over the requirement that he cry on film (during the scene where Melanie is comforting Rhett after Scarlett's miscarriage) that he almost quit. Olivia de Havilland convinced him to stay.
Hattie McDaniel became the first African-American to be nominated for, and win, an Academy Award.
To add to the publicity, fans were asked to vote for the actress they think should play Scarlett. Out of hundreds of ballots cast, Vivien Leigh got only one vote.
The fact that Hattie McDaniel would be unable to attend the premiere in racially segregated Atlanta annoyed Clark Gable so much that he threatened to boycott the premiere unless she could attend. He later relented when she convinced him to go.
Super macho director Victor Fleming wanted Scarlett, for at least once in the film, to look like his hunting buddy Clark Gable's type of woman. So, when wearing the stunning low-cut burgundy velvet dress with rhinestones that Scarlett wears to Ashley Wilkes' birthday party in the second half of the film, to achieve the desired cleavage for Fleming, Walter Plunkett had to tape Vivien Leigh's breasts together.
Vivien Leigh wasn't happy with Victor Fleming's brusque style after the careful nurturing she had enjoyed with George Cukor. When she asked him for direction in one scene, he told her "Ham it up". On another occasion when she asked for his constructive advice, he told her to "take the script and stick it up her royal British ass". After Cukor's departure, Leigh had to fight hard to keep the movie's Scarlett true to her view. Fleming's interpretation of her was that she was an out-and-out bitch as in the novel and that he had no desire to create any sympathy or insight for her.
Margaret Mitchell personally approved of Vivien Leigh's interpretation of Scarlett.
Three of the four principal actors, Leslie Howard, Vivien Leigh, and Clark Gable, died at relatively young ages. Olivia de Havilland is the only one who remains alive as of this writing (May 2008). Ironically, her character is the only one who dies in the film.
(This blog has been dedicated to Judy-Marie, my adorably adorkable PSM)
If I had my book there would be a lot more here, but as it is... I will quote only Rhett Butler. I love him... Clark Gable was a fine actor who I think really did the character of Rhett Butler justice.
Rhett Butler: With enough courage, you can do without a reputation. (Book and Movie)
Rhett Butler: How fickle is woman. (Book and Movie)
Rhett Butler: No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how. (Movie and Book)
Rhett Butler: You're so brutal to those who love you, Scarlett. You take their love and hold it over their heads like a whip. (Book)
One of the most amazing, influential and accurate historical novels of the time "Gone with the Wind" was written by Margaret Mitchell. It was her only book as she was killed in an accident at the age of 48. She was hit by a car while on her way to the Theatre. She won the Pulitzer Prize for "Gone with the Wind".
Vivien Leigh hated kissing Clark Gable. She said his breath stank. I would just give him a tic tac and go to town personally... *giggle*
Gone with the Wind was actually a very controversial movie. In it Scarlett is raped by Rhett (during their marriage), the slaves were "happy" to be slaves, and there was the Soldiers Hospital which was more gruesome than any movie previous. Also, it was the first movie created in Hollywood that had a cuss word. Rhett says "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn" at the end.
The first scene to be shot was the burning of the Atlanta Depot, filmed on 10 December 1938. If there was a major mistake during the filming, the entire film might have been scrapped. They actually burned many old sets that needed to be cleared from the studio backlot, including sets from The Garden of Allah (1936) and the "Great Wall" set from King Kong (1933). The fire cost over $25,000, and yielded 113 minutes of footage. It was so intense that Culver City residents jammed the telephones lines, thinking MGM was burning down.
In the scene where Scarlett searches for Dr. Meade, making her way among 1,600 suffering and dying Confederate soldiers, to cut costs and still comply with a union rule that dictated the use of a certain percentage of extras in the cast, 800 dummies were scattered among 800 extras.
In the scene where Rhett pours Mammy a drink after the birth of Bonnie, for a joke during a take, Clark Gable actually poured alcohol instead of the usual tea into the decanter without Hattie McDaniel knowing it until she took a swig.
Margaret Mitchell wrote her novel between 1926 and 1929. In her early drafts, the main character was named "Pansy O'Hara" and the O'Hara plantation we know as Tara was called "Fountenoy Hall."
Clark Gable was so distressed over the requirement that he cry on film (during the scene where Melanie is comforting Rhett after Scarlett's miscarriage) that he almost quit. Olivia de Havilland convinced him to stay.
Hattie McDaniel became the first African-American to be nominated for, and win, an Academy Award.
To add to the publicity, fans were asked to vote for the actress they think should play Scarlett. Out of hundreds of ballots cast, Vivien Leigh got only one vote.
The fact that Hattie McDaniel would be unable to attend the premiere in racially segregated Atlanta annoyed Clark Gable so much that he threatened to boycott the premiere unless she could attend. He later relented when she convinced him to go.
Super macho director Victor Fleming wanted Scarlett, for at least once in the film, to look like his hunting buddy Clark Gable's type of woman. So, when wearing the stunning low-cut burgundy velvet dress with rhinestones that Scarlett wears to Ashley Wilkes' birthday party in the second half of the film, to achieve the desired cleavage for Fleming, Walter Plunkett had to tape Vivien Leigh's breasts together.
Vivien Leigh wasn't happy with Victor Fleming's brusque style after the careful nurturing she had enjoyed with George Cukor. When she asked him for direction in one scene, he told her "Ham it up". On another occasion when she asked for his constructive advice, he told her to "take the script and stick it up her royal British ass". After Cukor's departure, Leigh had to fight hard to keep the movie's Scarlett true to her view. Fleming's interpretation of her was that she was an out-and-out bitch as in the novel and that he had no desire to create any sympathy or insight for her.
Margaret Mitchell personally approved of Vivien Leigh's interpretation of Scarlett.
Three of the four principal actors, Leslie Howard, Vivien Leigh, and Clark Gable, died at relatively young ages. Olivia de Havilland is the only one who remains alive as of this writing (May 2008). Ironically, her character is the only one who dies in the film.
(This blog has been dedicated to Judy-Marie, my adorably adorkable PSM)
Engaged (dA)
* Mood: Love Dazed
* Reading: The Life and Death of Anne Boleyn by Eric Ives
* Drinking: Kool-Aid
Donnie proposed!! And I said YES!!
I am officially engaged!!! *SQUEE*
We are planning on a rather long engagement (as we are both INCREDIBLY broke), but I am incredibly happy none the less!
Soon to be Sadie Married Lady (if you get the reference you are my new best friend)
Sarai
* Reading: The Life and Death of Anne Boleyn by Eric Ives
* Drinking: Kool-Aid
Donnie proposed!! And I said YES!!
I am officially engaged!!! *SQUEE*
We are planning on a rather long engagement (as we are both INCREDIBLY broke), but I am incredibly happy none the less!
Soon to be Sadie Married Lady (if you get the reference you are my new best friend)
Sarai
Friday, February 12, 2010
Stumbling... (dA)
* Mood: Pain
* Listening to: Inside Out - Emmy Rossum
* Reading: Eleanor: Jewel of Acquitane
* Drinking: Whatever is available
I love Stumbling... that is "Stumble Upon". It is SO much fun.
I hate "Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief". Why? Because they fuck up Mythology. I love Mythology. It is ALMOST my religion. They fuck with it, I hate it.
I am addicted to "Inside Out" by Emmy Rossum. Check it out. You know you want too!!
Life is a random dance and I am here for the song.
I have determined that I will learn how to cook because I stumbled upon SO MANY awesome recipes and I must make them!!
Zombie Cupcakes... YUMMY!!
Ta!
* Listening to: Inside Out - Emmy Rossum
* Reading: Eleanor: Jewel of Acquitane
* Drinking: Whatever is available
I love Stumbling... that is "Stumble Upon". It is SO much fun.
I hate "Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief". Why? Because they fuck up Mythology. I love Mythology. It is ALMOST my religion. They fuck with it, I hate it.
I am addicted to "Inside Out" by Emmy Rossum. Check it out. You know you want too!!
Life is a random dance and I am here for the song.
I have determined that I will learn how to cook because I stumbled upon SO MANY awesome recipes and I must make them!!
Zombie Cupcakes... YUMMY!!
Ta!
Sunday, February 7, 2010
The Lovely Bones (dA)
* Mood: Pain
* Listening to: Stranger - Hilary Duff
* Reading: Nzingha Warrior Princess of the Ngola
* Watching: "The Lovely Bones"
* Playing: thoughts over and over
* Eating: Sorrow
* Drinking: Ginger Ale
So, just finished watching "The Lovely Bones" with my Mom and Hannah. It was really good. I thought it would suck. I read the book when I was in High School so I thought they would screw it up like Hollywood usually does. Surprisingly it was pretty good. True, it wasn't completely true to the book, but it was good enough to make up for it. There are only two movies I've ever said that about before. "Gone with the Wind" and "To Kill A Mockingbird" so it is kind of a big deal.
How ever, I kept almost crying while watching. I still want to cry over it. Maybe it would do me some good. Anyway, off to read some books and think about happy thoughts...
I give "The Lovely Bones" a total of 8 stars out of 10.
* Listening to: Stranger - Hilary Duff
* Reading: Nzingha Warrior Princess of the Ngola
* Watching: "The Lovely Bones"
* Playing: thoughts over and over
* Eating: Sorrow
* Drinking: Ginger Ale
So, just finished watching "The Lovely Bones" with my Mom and Hannah. It was really good. I thought it would suck. I read the book when I was in High School so I thought they would screw it up like Hollywood usually does. Surprisingly it was pretty good. True, it wasn't completely true to the book, but it was good enough to make up for it. There are only two movies I've ever said that about before. "Gone with the Wind" and "To Kill A Mockingbird" so it is kind of a big deal.
How ever, I kept almost crying while watching. I still want to cry over it. Maybe it would do me some good. Anyway, off to read some books and think about happy thoughts...
I give "The Lovely Bones" a total of 8 stars out of 10.
According to Me
Current mood:cynical
I have realized that Life IS in fact Depressing. Why? :shrug: It is hard to explain, even to myself. You know what really bothers me?
People who have everything and insist on taking what little you have.
Went to the Library today. Got 6 books, Season 5 of Case Closed and Perhaps Love (A Chinese Musical that my Mom and I thought looked really good). I also got to have Starbucks (YUM!) and go to Barnes & Noble. I bought a book. As DaYog said, BIG SPENDER. lol.
I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I may never drive again. I am also coming to terms with the fact that I am indeed a coward for this.
And I hate how much I keep talking about my accident, but unfortunately it is THE BIGGEST subject in my world right now. Its long term consequences will probably affect me for years to come (which in itself is quite depressing).
Callibre, I miss you darling, you seem to have been gone FOREVER.
I have a doctor's appointment on Monday. I think we might end up discussing when we plan on having my hip replacement surgery. I am NOT looking forward to that.
I plan on reading all day tomorrow. I have plenty of material. At least 2010 is turning into a good year for me inspiration wise considering how much I have done thus far.
I am tired of people who treat me like shit because I am not who they want me to be. According to them I am stupid and useless. But according to him I'm beautiful and intelligent and he can't stop thinking about me. So who cares about them?
I didn't catch a dirty joke my mom made today until a full minute afterward. That is sad considering that my mom has a tendency to be more naive than me.
Why can't I stop myself from thinking things I don't want to think about? Why do I do this to myself? ALL THE TIME?! I just want to kick myself in the head sometimes except I can't bend that way to do it. :sigh:
I am wearing a short, red, nightshirt with little black scottie dogs on them. The dogs are wearing pink bow ties with black polka dots. I find this amusing.
It is fucking cold here. I wish it was summer. I wish I was anywhere but here and anyone but myself. But how does one change into another?
I dreamt of him for the first time in a long time. And again he broke my heart. I keep telling myself to erase him from my thoughts, from my head. I can't seem to do it. Isn't that sad?
I am tired of people who pity me. I was in a wreck, no big deal. I am missing half of my pelvis, I'll never be able to have children, and my tibia is now a rod, no big deal. I don't want pity. I just want a shoulder to lean on, you know?
I am rambling. I am good at that. I wish it was a happier ramble through the forests of my mind.
I wish that I could fix everyone else's problems. I unfortunately lost my magic wand.
Did I come here alone? Or was I with somebody when I came in? I feel like I need a drink, some vodka straight. I could do it. I am not on any pain relievers. Haven't been since I came home on the 30th of December. I could drink if only I really wanted to. Of course drinking doesn't really cure anything does it?
Why do we grow up? Why do we long to be adults just so we can experience all the heart ache that comes with it? Why do we want what we can't have, what we shouldn't have? Why are we human?
I don't want to be like this.
I miss my father, I was dreaming about him the other night. He made me smile. I haven't seen him since I was 7 years old. Would he even recognize me?
Why did I have to be programmed to believe that I had to be married by now? Why do I feel guilty all the time for being with a man that I love more than my life? What is wrong with being in love?
Why can't I be happy for someone when they say they are getting married? It isn't a contest. I don't have to be first in the wedding races. I defined marriage for myself. That shouldn't be wrong.
I miss him. God, I miss him. And I said I wouldn't talk about him anymore, that I would forget him. I can't. Part of me doesn't want to I think.
Can regret be summed up in a few sentences? I suppose it can. But how do you sum up something that you can't even fathom on your own?
Again I have been rambling, I will stop. I just feel like I need to understand what I never will. And that, more than anything, hurts.
I have realized that Life IS in fact Depressing. Why? :shrug: It is hard to explain, even to myself. You know what really bothers me?
People who have everything and insist on taking what little you have.
Went to the Library today. Got 6 books, Season 5 of Case Closed and Perhaps Love (A Chinese Musical that my Mom and I thought looked really good). I also got to have Starbucks (YUM!) and go to Barnes & Noble. I bought a book. As DaYog said, BIG SPENDER. lol.
I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I may never drive again. I am also coming to terms with the fact that I am indeed a coward for this.
And I hate how much I keep talking about my accident, but unfortunately it is THE BIGGEST subject in my world right now. Its long term consequences will probably affect me for years to come (which in itself is quite depressing).
Callibre, I miss you darling, you seem to have been gone FOREVER.
I have a doctor's appointment on Monday. I think we might end up discussing when we plan on having my hip replacement surgery. I am NOT looking forward to that.
I plan on reading all day tomorrow. I have plenty of material. At least 2010 is turning into a good year for me inspiration wise considering how much I have done thus far.
I am tired of people who treat me like shit because I am not who they want me to be. According to them I am stupid and useless. But according to him I'm beautiful and intelligent and he can't stop thinking about me. So who cares about them?
I didn't catch a dirty joke my mom made today until a full minute afterward. That is sad considering that my mom has a tendency to be more naive than me.
Why can't I stop myself from thinking things I don't want to think about? Why do I do this to myself? ALL THE TIME?! I just want to kick myself in the head sometimes except I can't bend that way to do it. :sigh:
I am wearing a short, red, nightshirt with little black scottie dogs on them. The dogs are wearing pink bow ties with black polka dots. I find this amusing.
It is fucking cold here. I wish it was summer. I wish I was anywhere but here and anyone but myself. But how does one change into another?
I dreamt of him for the first time in a long time. And again he broke my heart. I keep telling myself to erase him from my thoughts, from my head. I can't seem to do it. Isn't that sad?
I am tired of people who pity me. I was in a wreck, no big deal. I am missing half of my pelvis, I'll never be able to have children, and my tibia is now a rod, no big deal. I don't want pity. I just want a shoulder to lean on, you know?
I am rambling. I am good at that. I wish it was a happier ramble through the forests of my mind.
I wish that I could fix everyone else's problems. I unfortunately lost my magic wand.
Did I come here alone? Or was I with somebody when I came in? I feel like I need a drink, some vodka straight. I could do it. I am not on any pain relievers. Haven't been since I came home on the 30th of December. I could drink if only I really wanted to. Of course drinking doesn't really cure anything does it?
Why do we grow up? Why do we long to be adults just so we can experience all the heart ache that comes with it? Why do we want what we can't have, what we shouldn't have? Why are we human?
I don't want to be like this.
I miss my father, I was dreaming about him the other night. He made me smile. I haven't seen him since I was 7 years old. Would he even recognize me?
Why did I have to be programmed to believe that I had to be married by now? Why do I feel guilty all the time for being with a man that I love more than my life? What is wrong with being in love?
Why can't I be happy for someone when they say they are getting married? It isn't a contest. I don't have to be first in the wedding races. I defined marriage for myself. That shouldn't be wrong.
I miss him. God, I miss him. And I said I wouldn't talk about him anymore, that I would forget him. I can't. Part of me doesn't want to I think.
Can regret be summed up in a few sentences? I suppose it can. But how do you sum up something that you can't even fathom on your own?
Again I have been rambling, I will stop. I just feel like I need to understand what I never will. And that, more than anything, hurts.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Intuition (dA)
* Mood: Pain
* Listening to: According to You by Orianthi
* Reading: Thirst No. 2
* Drinking: Mt. Dew
I have realized that Life IS in fact Depressing. Why? :shrug: It is hard to explain, even to myself. You know what really bothers me?
People who have everything and insist on taking what little you have.
Went to the Library today. Got 6 books, Season 5 of Case Closed and Perhaps Love (A Chinese Musical that my Mom and I thought looked really good). I also got to have Starbucks (YUM!) and go to Barnes & Noble. I bought a book. As DaYog said, BIG SPENDER. lol.
I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I may never drive again. I am also coming to terms with the fact that I am indeed a coward for this.
And I hate how much I keep talking about my accident, but unfortunately it is THE BIGGEST subject in my world right now. Its long term consequences will probably affect me for years to come (which in itself is quite depressing).
Callibre, I miss you darling, you seem to have been gone FOREVER.
I have a doctor's appointment on Monday. I think we might end up discussing when we plan on having my hip replacement surgery. I am NOT looking forward to that.
I plan on reading all day tomorrow. I have plenty of material. At least 2010 is turning into a good year for me inspiration wise considering how much I have done thus far.
I am tired of people who treat me like shit because I am not who they want me to be. According to them I am stupid and useless. But according to him I'm beautiful and intelligent and he can't stop thinking about me. So who cares about them?
I didn't catch a dirty joke my mom made today until a full minute afterward. That is sad considering that my mom has a tendency to be more naive than me.
Why can't I stop myself from thinking things I don't want to think about? Why do I do this to myself? ALL THE TIME?! I just want to kick myself in the head sometimes except I can't bend that way to do it. :sigh:
I am wearing a short, red, nightshirt with little black scottie dogs on them. The dogs are wearing pink bow ties with black polka dots. I find this amusing.
It is fucking cold here. I wish it was summer. I wish I was anywhere but here and anyone but myself. But how does one change into another?
I dreamt of him for the first time in a long time. And again he broke my heart. I keep telling myself to erase him from my thoughts, from my head. I can't seem to do it. Isn't that sad?
I am tired of people who pity me. I was in a wreck, no big deal. I am missing half of my pelvis, I'll never be able to have children, and my tibia is now a rod, no big deal. I don't want pity. I just want a shoulder to lean on, you know?
I am rambling. I am good at that. I wish it was a happier ramble through the forests of my mind.
I wish that I could fix everyone else's problems. I unfortunately lost my magic wand.
Did I come here alone? Or was I with somebody when I came in? I feel like I need a drink, some vodka straight. I could do it. I am not on any pain relievers. Haven't been since I came home on the 30th of December. I could drink if only I really wanted to. Of course drinking doesn't really cure anything does it?
Why do we grow up? Why do we long to be adults just so we can experience all the heart ache that comes with it? Why do we want what we can't have, what we shouldn't have? Why are we human?
I don't want to be like this.
I miss my father, I was dreaming about him the other night. He made me smile. I haven't seen him since I was 7 years old. Would he even recognize me?
Why did I have to be programmed to believe that I had to be married by now? Why do I feel guilty all the time for being with a man that I love more than my life? What is wrong with being in love?
Why can't I be happy for someone when they say they are getting married? It isn't a contest. I don't have to be first in the wedding races. I defined marriage for myself. That shouldn't be wrong.
I miss him. God, I miss him. And I said I wouldn't talk about him anymore, that I would forget him. I can't. Part of me doesn't want to I think.
Can regret be summed up in a few sentences? I suppose it can. But how do you sum up something that you can't even fathom on your own?
Again I have been rambling, I will stop. I just feel like I need to understand what I never will. And that, more than anything, hurts.
* Listening to: According to You by Orianthi
* Reading: Thirst No. 2
* Drinking: Mt. Dew
I have realized that Life IS in fact Depressing. Why? :shrug: It is hard to explain, even to myself. You know what really bothers me?
People who have everything and insist on taking what little you have.
Went to the Library today. Got 6 books, Season 5 of Case Closed and Perhaps Love (A Chinese Musical that my Mom and I thought looked really good). I also got to have Starbucks (YUM!) and go to Barnes & Noble. I bought a book. As DaYog said, BIG SPENDER. lol.
I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I may never drive again. I am also coming to terms with the fact that I am indeed a coward for this.
And I hate how much I keep talking about my accident, but unfortunately it is THE BIGGEST subject in my world right now. Its long term consequences will probably affect me for years to come (which in itself is quite depressing).
Callibre, I miss you darling, you seem to have been gone FOREVER.
I have a doctor's appointment on Monday. I think we might end up discussing when we plan on having my hip replacement surgery. I am NOT looking forward to that.
I plan on reading all day tomorrow. I have plenty of material. At least 2010 is turning into a good year for me inspiration wise considering how much I have done thus far.
I am tired of people who treat me like shit because I am not who they want me to be. According to them I am stupid and useless. But according to him I'm beautiful and intelligent and he can't stop thinking about me. So who cares about them?
I didn't catch a dirty joke my mom made today until a full minute afterward. That is sad considering that my mom has a tendency to be more naive than me.
Why can't I stop myself from thinking things I don't want to think about? Why do I do this to myself? ALL THE TIME?! I just want to kick myself in the head sometimes except I can't bend that way to do it. :sigh:
I am wearing a short, red, nightshirt with little black scottie dogs on them. The dogs are wearing pink bow ties with black polka dots. I find this amusing.
It is fucking cold here. I wish it was summer. I wish I was anywhere but here and anyone but myself. But how does one change into another?
I dreamt of him for the first time in a long time. And again he broke my heart. I keep telling myself to erase him from my thoughts, from my head. I can't seem to do it. Isn't that sad?
I am tired of people who pity me. I was in a wreck, no big deal. I am missing half of my pelvis, I'll never be able to have children, and my tibia is now a rod, no big deal. I don't want pity. I just want a shoulder to lean on, you know?
I am rambling. I am good at that. I wish it was a happier ramble through the forests of my mind.
I wish that I could fix everyone else's problems. I unfortunately lost my magic wand.
Did I come here alone? Or was I with somebody when I came in? I feel like I need a drink, some vodka straight. I could do it. I am not on any pain relievers. Haven't been since I came home on the 30th of December. I could drink if only I really wanted to. Of course drinking doesn't really cure anything does it?
Why do we grow up? Why do we long to be adults just so we can experience all the heart ache that comes with it? Why do we want what we can't have, what we shouldn't have? Why are we human?
I don't want to be like this.
I miss my father, I was dreaming about him the other night. He made me smile. I haven't seen him since I was 7 years old. Would he even recognize me?
Why did I have to be programmed to believe that I had to be married by now? Why do I feel guilty all the time for being with a man that I love more than my life? What is wrong with being in love?
Why can't I be happy for someone when they say they are getting married? It isn't a contest. I don't have to be first in the wedding races. I defined marriage for myself. That shouldn't be wrong.
I miss him. God, I miss him. And I said I wouldn't talk about him anymore, that I would forget him. I can't. Part of me doesn't want to I think.
Can regret be summed up in a few sentences? I suppose it can. But how do you sum up something that you can't even fathom on your own?
Again I have been rambling, I will stop. I just feel like I need to understand what I never will. And that, more than anything, hurts.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Massive Upload (dA)
* Mood: Pain
* Listening to: Eddie Izzard talk about Evil Giraffes
* Reading: Sebastian
* Drinking: Coke Zero
SO! Since my internet has been offline, I have been writing up a storm (in case you couldn't tell). Including 3 (COUNT THEM THREE!! :dance: ) short stories... Which is really tough for me. I'm trying out some new stuff right now. I have been in a rut and I am trying to expand my outlooks, you know?
Donnie says it will help me grow as an author if I write outside my norm. I know he is right because my teachers used to say the same thing... Only, it is really REALLY hard for me to write outside my comfort zone. So, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read my stuff and let me know if you like it and what you think needs to be changed or what not.
Peace dudes et dudettes!
Sarai is OUT
* Listening to: Eddie Izzard talk about Evil Giraffes
* Reading: Sebastian
* Drinking: Coke Zero
SO! Since my internet has been offline, I have been writing up a storm (in case you couldn't tell). Including 3 (COUNT THEM THREE!! :dance: ) short stories... Which is really tough for me. I'm trying out some new stuff right now. I have been in a rut and I am trying to expand my outlooks, you know?
Donnie says it will help me grow as an author if I write outside my norm. I know he is right because my teachers used to say the same thing... Only, it is really REALLY hard for me to write outside my comfort zone. So, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read my stuff and let me know if you like it and what you think needs to be changed or what not.
Peace dudes et dudettes!
Sarai is OUT
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