The MASSIVE Quotes Blog!

I Apologize that most of these quotes seem to be rather depressing. But I can't help but put them for the obvious truths!! I tried to include inspirational quotes (ones that would inspire not only myself). And please don't complain at me about the lack of female quotes. While there are many intelligent females, I do not admire that many and therefore their words are lost on me.
I Plan on doing this again sometime soon, so if you have any quotes that aren't in this blog or you have personal quotes that you want blogged send me a message and I'll put them in. :)

"Cheers to my Egocentric Self!" Miyavi (and Fawny when she wants to be like him!)

"Dear World, I am leaving because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool. Good luck." George Sander's suicide note.

"Every truth has two sides; it is as well to look at both, before we commit ourselves to either." Aesop

"Death is one moment, and life is so many of them." Tennessee Williams

"If the writing is honest it cannot be separated from the man who wrote it." Tennessee Williams

"Revenge is Savage Justice" Sir Francis Bacon

"Beauty itself is but the sensible image of the Infinite." Sir Francis Bacon

"The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary. Men alone are quite capable of every wickedness." Joseph Conrad

"When you look long into an abyss, the abyss looks into you." Nietzsche

"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles." Charles Chaplin

"The torture of a bad conscience is the hell of a living soul." John Calvin

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow, learn as if you were to live forever." Gandhi

"Ideology separates us. Dreams and anguish bring us together." Eugene Ionesco

"Before you embark on a jouney of revenge, dig two graves." Confucius

"Creativity has got to start with Humanity and when you're a human being, you feel, you suffer." Marilyn Monroe

"Guess what..... I just ate one of the best ICE CREAMS I've ever had, and it's low carb..... I don't think life is that bad..... Or I should say life is f***ing wonderful !!!!!!!" Yoshiki

"Do not lose hold of your dreams or aspirations. For if you do, you may still exist but you have ceased to live." Henry David Thoreau

"Anger clouds the mind, that it cannot perceive the truth." Cato the Elder

"Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die." Amelia Burr

"For the night was not impartial. No, the night loved some more than others, served some more than others." Eudora Welty

"Knowledge is Power. (Ipsa Scientia Potestas Est)" Sir Francis Bacon

"Every sweet has its sour; every evil its good." Ralph Waldo Emerson

"A Poem begins in Delight and ends in Wisdom." Robert Frost

"Truth is Beautiful, without doubt; but so are Lies." Ralph Waldo Emerson

"We are never Deceived; We deceive ourselves." Goethe

"To Be great is to be Misunderstood." Ralph Waldo Emerson

"In the Middle of the Journey of our life I came to myself within a dark wood where the straight way was lost." Dante Aligheri

"Love is an irresistable desire to be irresistibly desired." Robert Frost

"Love Truth, and Pardon Error." Voltaire

"Our life is made by the death of others." Leonardo da Vinci

"Between the idea and the reality, between the motion and the act, falls the shadow." T.S. Eliot

"Some of the best lessons are learned from past mistakes. The error of the past is the wisdom of the future." Dale Turner

"There is not a righteous man on Earth who does what is right and never sins." Ecclesiastes 7:20

"Pure love is matchless in majesty; it has no parallel in power and there is no darkness it cannot dispel." Meher Baba

"From the deepest desires often come the deadliest hate." Socrates

"He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still." Lao-tze

"The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you can see." Winston Churchill

"Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." Albert Einstein

"Fantasy abandoned by reason produces impossible monsters." Francisco Goya

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face; You must do the thing you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt

"The Bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone." Harriet Beecher Stowe

"A belief is not merely an idea the mind possesses; it is an idea that possesses the mind." Robert Oxton Bolt

"In the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." Abraham Lincoln

"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves." Francois de la Rochefoucauld

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars." Kahlil Gibran

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it." Helen Keller

"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." Oscar Wilde

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts," William Shakespeare

"No one thinks of how much Blood it costs." Dante Aligheri

"Flowers grow out of dark moments." Corita Kent

"Poetry is the rhythmical creation of beauty in words." Edgar Allan Poe

"Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1

"Consistency thou art a jewel." Rhett Butler (from Gone with the Wind)

"Myths are the dreams of the World." Joseph Campbell

"Adversity is the First path to Truth" Lord Byron

"One of the truest tests of integrity is its blunt refusal to be compromised" Chinua Achebe

"A faithful friend is a strong defense; And he that hath found him hath found a treasure." Louisa May Alcott

"A flower falls, even though we love it; and a weed grows, even though we do not love it." Dogen

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's to dark to read." Groucho Marx

hide moments

1. As I'm sure almost none of my friends know (except for Gackt, Fawny and Miyavi) the hide (he-day for those americans who don't know... and yes, its supposed to be lower case h get over it!) memorial summit is fast approaching. Tonight (technically this morning) I watched a video that made me cry. Now, I wasn't a hide a fan until recently. Fawny introduced me to "Him" in October of 2007 (just last year!) and I guess her strong love and connection to Him has worn off on me. The video was the song "Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne and was set to various clips of hide. And I admit to crying, I would've cried more than I did if not for the fact that I changed the video immediately after it ended. I miss Him terribly and I didn't even know he existed until a few months ago!
Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to go crazy fan on anyone, I'm not a fangirl type...but I guess something broke inside that was already broken when I saw that video. Fawny is also trying to make me watch another video. I think she wants me to cry! She says that I have to share in her "pain". I think it will kill me before her though, cause she is stronger than I.... :( *Sigh*

2. Jill could make a Nun SWEAR!! God, I hate her! Fawn knows who I'm talking about... I hope she remembered to warn You guys! (Gackto and V)

3. I could be Fawny's MOM!!! ROFL, Inside Joke!! HONEYBLADE!!!
Now that my american friends are sufficiently confused I'm going to take some bendryl and see if it will knock me out since it is now almost 4:30am and I haven't been to bed yet!

NIGHT FOLKS!!!
(drink or die!!!)

*Edit*
Scratch that, at 5:00am she made me watch the other one...

Pineapple Soda (dA)

Journal Entry: Mon Apr 28, 2008, 10:28 PM

• Mood: Sympathy
• Listening to: It's Raining - Bi Rain
• Reading: Queen of the Darkness
• Eating: Chicken Stew *YUMMY*
• Drinking: Pineapple Soda

So, I posted three new poems!! *jumps for joy*
The Bruises
Illuminati (Illuminated)
and
Sweetest Nightmares: The Poem

So Yes. Enjoy the flow of poetry while you can... apparently your heart bleeding poetry is a bad thing?

IDK, anyway moving on, I'm pysched about a concert to which I'm going in New York City in September. Did I mention that for this concert I have not only backstage passes, but an invite to the afterparty?! Yes, Yes I do!! And I am excited!! *jumps for joy, again*

LOL, once again, moving on. Did I mention that I love Pineapple Soda?

Sweetest Nightmares

I hope this doesn't sound as Emo to you as it did to me! I hate sounding like that... not that being Emotional is bad, but man, sometimes I just feel like I'm ranting about the same stuff OVER AND OVER!! And I know that if I, as the writer, Get sick of my writing that You, as the reader, are getting sick of it too. :(
Hope this one is Okay by you guys!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Overwhelmed, sadness of these many destructive years
press the walls 'til they break. Loneliness weighing heavier
than the chains that bind us here. Need a little room to breathe,
a little space to spread these weakened wings.


The darkness is coming, rising like the heat. It sears the
lungs, so you can't breathe. Covers everything in those painful
waves. It eviscerates everything, blinding and binding.
Separates bone from marrow, come darkened sky.


Shattered by the black, the world stands back. Let the
bastard come, life is done. Caught between Earth and sky.
Crushed glass falls, let it take the mind. The dark is coming,
no time to hide. Stand and let it come, let it wash over me.


Cross its path, lightning strike. Everything is broken,
the darkness biting down to the soul. Once bitten, never to
heal, fester and rot. Carion drifts on the wind, fill the senses,
take it in. Ride the wave, let it surge 'neath this breakable form.


Darkness come, erase this mind, let the insanity run free.
Spread these broken wings, ease the pain and be taken.
Eviscerated, shattered and broken. My bones will dry, the
soul forgotten inside. Singers of death, play my song.


Let Me Bleed.

Illuminati (Illuminated)

I Fear that no one will be able to understand this poem. Frankly, I hardly understand it myself... But I just couldn't get the idea of "Illuminati (Illuminated)" out of my head. Then for some unknown reason I began to think of a harlequin... and as some people may first think of "Harley Quinn" the bad girl from Batman... :) A child of my times apparently. at any rate, here it is freshly born from my befuddled mind. appreciate it while you can and try not to die from not being able to understand. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harlequin dances about the floor, surrendering to Demons

and Angels, silhouettes and innocent shadows. She stands,

mythical and poetic, spinning her dreams out like darkened

spider webs. Caught by her own vanishing nightmares.

Violent and gentle, she spins and twirls, the ribbons flying

up and fluttering to the floor. Above her the sky seems to

burn, the horizon is downcast and she is tied to this hideous

form. Circled by Hell's vicious dogs.

Silky are the voices that call her inside, bluer than the moon

outside the painted glass. They tease her, push and pull her

down. Violet sunlight floods the circle that divides Heaven from

her Hell, tied to the knives spinning round.

Lacy snow falls in the midst of summer's tears. Pink and Ivory

against the erratic world flowing into her. She studies the

imperfections of a rose, standing before the Court of the moon

and her lovers. Dulcimers play at the edge of her sanity.

Fiery kiss upon her cursed lips, a virescent larkspur to

resurrect her. Now fanged, she lets the blood flow, the

honeyed lies and sweet brokenness take control. Her womb

is bleeding, rape the soul. Shatter the glass, make it whole.

Adorned in bloody rubies, glittering in the darkness of the sun.

She stands, new born. Two has become one, Harlequin no

more. Let the walls that have imprisoned her vanish as she

rises to shine. Illuminated by her own silver tongue.

Sarai getting a little to Serious for Her own Good!!

1. Are you dating the last person you kissed?
no (Thank God!)

2. Can you handle the truth?
In life you have to handle the truth, you can't live in a box your whole existence. so Yes, I can handle the truth. The question is can you handle mine?

3. Best breakup song?
Over You - Daughtry

4. Do you kiss a lot of people?
No (I'm not a slut!)

5. If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be?
California

6. Do you think your last ex deserves to die?
Death? No, thats letting him off easy. Torture is the best route, I think

7. How do you feel about antidepressants?
I hate meds of any kind, but sometimes you need them.

8. Drugs are the only resolution for things now?
NO! Drugs are what is keeping people sick!! We need to get back to a heatlhier lifestyle and use more herbal remedies!!

9. Would you rather have loved and lost, or never have loved at all?
Never loved at all.

10. Have you ever done it in a moving vehicle?
Thats a rather personal question. But the answer is NO. I am still a virgin, so no.

11. Why did you stop liking the last person that you liked?
Because I got tired of being abused and realized I was worth more than that.

12. How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?
Not very often. I have a bad habit of saying what comes to mind. I should
probably work on that....

14. Who do you trust the most in your life?
Fawny, My Mom, Sarah Jo, Adam

15. Who has hurt you the most?
Asshole (he doesn't even deserve to be named)

16. Are there some songs you can't listen to because they remind you of someone?
No, I listen to them anyway... I can't NOT listen to a song because it reminds me of him. He, has no place in my life anymore, so I can listen to whatever I want.

17. Are you happy with where you are relationship-wise now?
Am I happy being single you mean? Not really, but I don't need to have a
relationship to be happy.

18. Do you believe that love can be found in bars or is that too much of a risk?
Love can be found anywhere if you open your heart to that kind of risk. Who is to be the judge of where love can be found?

19. How long ago did you hug someone?
A few hours ago

20. Are you more of a coffee/tea or alcohol drinker?
coffee. I would drink alcohol if I was old enough

21. How do you feel about the person you kissed most RECENTLY?
He can do inappropriate things to himself for all I care.

22. Do you find it easier to forgive or forget?
forget

23. Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?
yes (AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!)

24. Have you recently been betrayed by someone you trusted?
Yes

25. What makes you happy?
Lots of things, my poetry, my friends... hide!!

26. How do you handle stress?
I don't handle stress. It handles me, unfortunately

27. Who was the last person you yelled at?
Arlin

28. Do you know anyone who is addicted to drugs?
yes

29. What did you do today?
Got sick, slept, drank a lot of water and attempted to eat

30. Does anyone call you baby?
Not anymore

31. Regular Cheetos or hot?
Neither. They are both revolting

32. Hows your heart lately?
Broken and running very slowly. It needs time to heal, but I don't think it will this time.

33. Who is your hero?
Right now, the most important hero to me is My Mom. She is very brave to do what she is doing right now.

34. Have you ever regretted letting someone go?
I did, once. But I came to terms with it and realized it was the right thing to do.

35. Do you like the rain?
yes

36. What are you thinking about right now?
How badly my stomach hurts, if 2 certain people will add me. And what 2 other certain people think of my blogs.

37. Who was the last person you told i love you to?
Sarah Jo

38. Do you think you can last for an hour without talking?
Yes. Done it before

39. If someone did like you, how should they let you know?
By coming right out and telling me what they have to say.

40. What did you do friday night?
cried myself to sleep

41. Are you scared of spiders?
yes. Except for Pink ones ;)

42. If someone doesnt like you, its usually because?
They don't mesh with my personality. If someone doesn't like me, its because they either don't approve of my life or I say the truth and they don't appreciate it.

43. Kissed someone in the last twenty-four hours?
No

44. Ever bit someone else's tongue?
No. Why would I do that? And if I did, why would I tell you?

45. Do you have a tattoo?
Not Yet. But soon

46. What is wrong with you right now?
My parents are getting divorced, I am worried about my father and my mother (but especially dad.), my stomach hurts like hell, I can't seem to write any poetry right now, I don't have a job, I miss my friends in Indiana, the list goes on and on...

47. What was the last movie you went to?
Juno with my Dad, before I moved

48. Do you care what others think about you?
Unfortunately yes. One day, I won't care, but for now I do.

49. Do you plan on moving out within the next year?
Well, I already moved out of my parents house... I plan on moving to California in the next two years though.

50. Are you afraid of the dark?
No. I embrace it. The darkness is me and I am darkness

51. Do you like your life at the moment?
Right this moment? No, it sucks!

52. Ever talked to someone that was drunk?
Yes (ONCE AGAIN, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!)

53. How tall is the person you last talked to?
6' 1"

54. Who were you with last night?
Fawny and Arlin

55. Where were you at noon yesterday?
at the computer

56. How late did you stay up last night?
Until 2am

57. Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you they loved you?
Yes

58. Did they mean it?
No

59. Suppose you see your girlfriend/boyfriend kissing another person?
I would cry. And then I would break up with them.

60. Have you ever gotten mad because somebody said they'd call you and they
don't?
Yes. Though, usually I worry, thinking something bad happened. So I call them...

Revamping old stuff (dA)

Journal Entry: Fri Apr 25, 2008, 1:12 AM

• Mood: Tired
• Listening to: Britney Spears (yes, I know!)
• Reading: Queen of the Darkness
• Drinking: Water (AGAIN!)

Okay, so this is what I've done today... I deleted my original posting of "The Mermaid" and then reposted it in increments so that those of you who watch me can read a chapter at a time instead of trying to read it all at once. You're welcome! lol... anyway, i also posted a new poem I wrote... Beware, if you are easily upset by violence.

I think that is it. Why, this is a really short journal! Did i mention that i love you all?! to ALL!! Thanks for sticking with me!

Sarai

Bruises

The bruises
won't go away, permanent like the scars.
This time the mark of his hand,
next time his belt?
I can't stop shaking,
spilled the coffee and burnt the toast.
I shield my face,
the anger in his eyes is hurting my soul.
Crash, break the bones,
scar my mind and kill my spirit.
He can't help it, I tell myself.
He just can't help it.
He leaves me, huddled on the floor,
the blood, I need to clean it up.
He loves me, he does.
I scrub the floor 'til it sparkles.
The bruises
they won't go away.
Proof of his love,
rests upon my body, broken and bloody.
Proof of his love,
bruised and broken on the floor.

KICKED OUT! (dA)

Journal Entry: Thu Apr 24, 2008, 5:29 PM

• Mood: Rage
• Listening to: Honey Blade - hide
• Reading: Queen of the Darkness
• Drinking: Water (AGAIN!)

Yes, you read correctly. Kicked out! Now don't get all freaked out, I didn't get kicked out of where I am living! Instead, I got kicked out of a CLINIC!!! For what you may ask? VULGARITY!
Go ahead, rub your eyes and re-read that word. Those of you who know me personally know that whilst I have my moments, I am usually anything but vulgar.
Started out like this:
Fawny, my poor Fawny, was going to have an out-patient surgical procedure for a tumor on her arm which has been causing her massive amounts of pain in her wrist and arm. So we went to her appointment all the way in Seminole... We were there early and I was just having a good time making Fawny laugh. Because, obviously she was nervous! Who wouldn't be right before a procedure? First thing after we sign in we notice some Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints. Two women and a little girl. Fawny mentioned them to me and we moved on with conversation. So, we got to talking about a song.
A hide (he-day) song. Entitled "Honey Blade". Now I know that almost none of my friends on here have any idea who in heaven's name hide is, its okay. All you need to know is that the song is filled to the bursting with different metaphors for sex. Its a good song, but yes it has sexual innuendos in it. So, we were discussing metaphors and how much I love to use them in my stories and poetry and how much I like the song because of the metaphors.
Well, a few moments pass and Fawny keeps noticing that the LDS (latter day saints) keep looking at her (she has "hide hair", which is to say that it is pink on top and black underneath). Then she gets called back for a moment, only so that a receptionist can tell her that we are being to loud! We weren't even talking above the television! How do I know this? well there was a lady sitting right next to us and a little behind us, who was becoming very offended by what was on the tv (MADtv). And she asked us if she could change the channel, which didn't bother us. But we talked later about it, saying "If she was offended by MADtv and she had heard us, she would've said something."
Even with that happening, we quited a little more. We sat there an HOUR!! When her appointment had been for 3:15 and we were early. And people who had just come in were seen immediately, without waiting. That was frustrating. So, Fawny went to go smoke a cigarette and I scribbled her a note, to be stupid... She comes in and reads it and being silly, she flips me off. Now, that, I'm sorry Ladies and Gents is not vulgar if you ask me, especially when done in jest. And we giggled about it.
Not even 5 minutes later (Note: We were never seen. The procedure was never done!) the receptionist tells us that we have to leave. We are being to "vulgar and obscene" for a "family" clinic. So we ended up having to leave. An hour wasted trying to get a procedure done that has LONG been overdue and we get kicked out. Needless to say, We are Pissed off. Who wouldn't be?
Not only that, but the LDS were the ones who kept being in the midst of these happenings. We got shushed the first time right after one of the women went to the back. And kicked out after the second woman and the little girl went to the back and came immediately back. Ticked off, yes.
And thats what happened to day!
WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS!!!

KICKED OUT!!!

Yes, you read correctly. Kicked out! Now don't get all freaked out, I didn't get kicked out of where I am living! Instead, I got kicked out of a CLINIC!!! For what you may ask? VULGARITY!
Go ahead, rub your eyes and re-read that word. Those of you who know me personally know that whilst I have my moments, I am usually anything but vulgar.
Started out like this:
Fawny, my poor Fawny, was going to have an out-patient surgerical procedure for a tumor on her arm which has been causing her massive amounts of pain in her wrist and arm. So we went to her appointment all the way in Seminole... We were there early and I was just having a good time making Fawny laugh. Because, obviously she was nervous! Who wouldn't be right before a procedure? First thing after we sign in we notice some Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints. Two women and a little girl. Fawny mentioned them to me and we moved on with conversation. So, we got to talking about a song.
A hide (he-day) song. Entitled "Honey Blade". Now I know that almost none of my friends on here have any idea who in heaven's name hide is, its okay. All you need to know is that the song is filled to the bursting with different metaphors for sex. Its a good song, but yes it has sexual innuendos in it. So, we were discussing metaphors and how much I love to use them in my stories and poetry and how much I like the song because of the metaphors.
Well, a few moments pass and Fawny keeps noticing that the LDS (latter day saints) keep looking at her (she has "hide hair", which is to say that it is pink on top and black underneath). Then she gets called back for a moment, only so that a receptionist can tell her that we are being to loud! We weren't even talking above the television! How do I know this? well there was a lady sitting right next to us and a little behind us, who was becoming very offended by what was on the tv (MADtv). And she asked us if she could change the channel, which didn't bother us. But we talked later about it, saying "If she was offended by MADtv and she had heard us, she would've said something."
Even with that happening, we quited a little more. We sat there an HOUR!! When her appointment had been for 3:15 and we were early. And people who had just come in were seen immediately, without waiting. That was frustrating. So, Fawny went to go smoke a cigarette and I scribbled her a note, to be stupid... She comes in and reads it and being silly, she flips me off. Now, that, I'm sorry Ladies and Gents is not vulgar if you ask me, especially when done in jest. And we giggled about it.
Not even 5 minutes later (Note: We were never seen. The procedure was never done!) the receptionist tells us that we have to leave. We are being to "vulgar and obscene" for a "family" clinic. So we ended up having to leave. An hour wasted trying to get a procedure done that has LONG been overdue and we get kicked out. Needless to say, We are Pissed off. Who wouldn't be?
Not only that, but the LDS were the ones who kept being in the midst of these happenings. We got shushed the first time right after one of the women went to the back. And kicked out after the second woman and the little girl went to the back and came immediately back. Ticked off, yes.
And thats what happened to day!
WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS!!!

Trapt in Retrospect Moments (dA)

Journal Entry: Wed Apr 23, 2008, 10:46 PM

• Mood: Confused
• Listening to: Imogen Heap
• Reading: Queen of the Darkness
• Drinking: Water (AGAIN!)

Okay, so today is Wednesday... I think.
I am slightly out of it due to so many familial problems. Found out yesterday that my parents are getting a divorce. Take that as you will, I am slightly in shock.

Further more, I can't help but feel like my step-father (aka: dad) is throwing away 15 years of being my father. Its as if the past 15 years have meant nothing, because now he won't even speak to me. On the advice of his attorney. Now, why am I telling you all this? because I don't how else to express my emotions. I can't even express it in poetry. And because i feel that even if I don't know you in person, you are all my friends if you take the time to read this. I was so touched by how my dA friends cared about my health problems when they commented on my last journal. And I want to thank you all for that. Besides that, as Blanche Dubois (Vivien Leigh) says in "A Streetcar Named Desire", "Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers."

Thank you for being my "strangers" and for all your kindness.

Attempting to move on to more joyful topics, I reposted my "Chapter I" because I did a lot of toying with it and I hope that everyone who read it before will re-read it so that you can have a better view of what i'm attempting to accomplish with it. Its not so much fantasy, I think, as it is philosophical. It attempts to define things that are undefinable and challenges your mind with oxymorons and improbabilities. Or at least, i hope that it does that for you as it does for me. I'm thinking of reposting my other story "The Mermaid" in shorter increments so that those of you who read my works can read it a chapter at a time instead of attempting to read it all at once... I plan on doing that shortly.

And I do believe that is the end of this journal. Any questions, suggestions or anything else you might wish to say to me you can leave in a comment if you so desire. to you all!
Sarai

Confusion, Pain and other Shitty Feelings

Okay, so today is Wednesday... I think.
I am slightly out of it due to so many familial problems. Found out yesterday that my parents are getting a divorce. Take that as you will, I am slightly in shock.

Further more, I can't help but feel like my step-father (aka: dad) is throwing away 15 years of being my father. Its as if the past 15 years have meant nothing, because now he won't even speak to me. On the advice of his attorney. Not only that, but I'm worried about my sister. She is about to be caught in a MAJOR custody battle, which is something I had hoped would never happen to her. And I'm scared that if Dad gets custody that I'll never see her again. Now that maybe an irrational fear, but ladies and gents, with the way things have been going I never know. And I feel like i'm so far away from them all now that I can't help anyone or even help myself! I'M SCARED!!! Scared of not knowing what the hell is going to happen next... I seem to get hit the hardest with all this bullshit! I am just to tired to deal with any of it anymore. I'm tired of being confused and scared and in pain! TIRED OF IT!!!

Now, why am I telling you all this? because I don't how else to express my emotions. I can't even express it in poetry. I can't even begin to find the words that might be able to express myself. all that is happening is that my heart is breaking and i have no shoulder to lean on right now. Well, Fawny and Arlin are here, but they are going through their own shit right now, so why should I burden them with mine? And because i feel that even if I don't know you in person, you are all my friends if you take the time to read this. And I want to thank you all for that. Besides that, as Blanche Dubois (Vivien Leigh) says in "A Streetcar Named Desire", "Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers."

Thank you for being my "strangers" and for all your kindness.

Appendicitis and other minor complaints... (dA)

Journal Entry: Sun Apr 20, 2008, 9:16 PM

• Mood: Pain
• Listening to: the darkness forming in my mind
• Reading: Queen of the Darkness
• Drinking: mountain lightning

Yes, you read correctly Appendicitis. Last night I was rushed to the ER with the most severe stomach pain I have ever experienced!! And I know stomach problems!!

Let me start out the evening for you.
I was on my computer, listening to music and talking to my friend on the phone when I noticed that my stomach was hurting. I thought, well maybe I just ate to much (we had pizza).

Progressively, it got worse. So my roommate (who has some medical training) began asking me a series of questions: where is the pain? how bad is it? what does it feel like? are you nauseous? and so on...

She said, "I think you have appendicitis." my reply you may ask?
"I can't have appendicitis!"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because I Don't Have INSURANCE!!"
to which she laughed and then said, that not having insurance was not going to stop me from having appendicitis.

So, to be sure, she called the Nurse's helpline. They concurred with her diagnosis and said that i should go to the hospital... I said, "no, lets wait a half-hour and then if it doesn't get better, we'll go." Needless to say, it didn't not take even more than 10 minutes before i was pleading with her to call the ambulance.

Now, the ambulance people arrive and they ask me if there is any possiblity that I am pregnant. I attempt to make a joke and reply, "No, don't you know? Virgins don't get pregnant." They didn't laugh. Then they attempted to put in an IV. First it was my hand (i have bad veins don'tcha know!), then while one guy was trying to get an IV in my right arm, the other guy was trying to get an IV in my left. They did not get any IV's started, because apparently my veins were MIA.

Get to the hospital and they put me in a room (13 to be exact). They have me give a urine sample and that is it. I am not hooked up to any machines, they don't take my blood or do any other tests then whatever they did to my urine sample. Then I sat (well, laid) in that room for 3 hours before a doctor finally came in. he askes me again, if I'm pregnant. To which I reply "Only if I'm the Virgin Mary." He laughed. he feels my stomach, askes a bunch of questions, then tells me that i have the beginnings of a UTI (urinary tract infection) and possibly a stomach virus. Then he tells me to go home. If i'm not better in the next 24 to 48 hours i should come back, if the pain gets more localized, i suddenly spike a fever or other such things...

Nurse comes in and says "Good news! You aren't pregnant! But you have a massive UTI and should drink plenty of fluids." then proceeds to tell me the fluids i should drink that the doctor just told me not to drink. And didn't he say, it was just the beginning of a UTI?!

Then we had to wait an hour in the waiting room trying to get a hold of someone to get us, because by now it is almost 4 in the morning. we've been there since 11:12pm. Needless to say, i'm rather unhappy with my treatment and hope that i never have to go back, because if it had been major appendicitis and i had ruptured you would not be reading this right now. Which would suck!!! My stomach still hurts like you wouldn't believe, but i don't think i want to go back... so, I won't. unless it gets so bad i can't stand it, i'm gonna stay home and sleep it off.

Lillie Out.

Appendicitis and other minor complaints!

Yes, you read correctly Appendicitis. Last night I was rushed to the ER with the most severe stomach pain I have ever experienced!! And I know stomach problems!!

Let me start out the evening for you.

I was on my computer, listening to music and talking to my friend on the phone when I noticed that my stomach was hurting. I thought, well maybe I just ate to much (we had pizza).

Progressively, it got worse. So my roommate (who has some medical training) began asking me a series of questions: where is the pain? how bad is it? what does it feel like? are you nauseous? and so on...

She said, "I think you have appendicitis." my reply you may ask?

"I can't have appendicitis!"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because I Don't Have INSURANCE!!"

to which she laughed and then said, that not having insurance was not going to stop me from having appendicitis.

So, to be sure, she called the Nurse's helpline. They concurred with her diagnosis and said that i should go to the hospital... I said, "no, lets wait a half-hour and then if it doesn't get better, we'll go." Needless to say, it didn't not take even more than 10 minutes before i was pleading with her to call the ambulance.

Now, the ambulance people arrive and they ask me if there is any possiblity that I am pregnant. I attempt to make a joke and reply, "No, don't you know? Virgins don't get pregnant." They didn't laugh. Then they attempted to put in an IV. First it was my hand (i have bad veins don'tcha know!), then while one guy was trying to get an IV in my right arm, the other guy was trying to get an IV in my left. They did not get any IV's started, because apparently my veins were MIA.

Get to the hospital and they put me in a room (13 to be exact). They have me give a urine sample and that is it. I am not hooked up to any machines, they don't take my blood or do any other tests then whatever they did to my urine sample. Then I sat (well, laid) in that room for 3 hours before a doctor finally came in. he askes me again, if I'm pregnant. To which I reply "Only if I'm the Virgin Mary." He laughed. he feels my stomach, askes a bunch of questions, then tells me that i have the beginnings of a UTI (urinary tract infection) and possibly a stomach virus. Then he tells me to go home. If i'm not better in the next 24 to 48 hours i should come back, if the pain gets more localized, i suddenly spike a fever or other such things...

Nurse comes in and says "Good news! You aren't pregnant! But you have a massive UTI and should drink plenty of fluids." then proceeds to tell me the fluids i should drink that the doctor just told me not to drink. And didn't he say, it was just the beginning of a UTI?!

Then we had to wait an hour in the waiting room trying to get a hold of someone to get us, because by now it is almost 4 in the morning. we've been there since 11:12pm. Needless to say, i'm rather unhappy with my treatment and hope that i never have to go back, because if it had been major appendicitis and i had ruptured you would not be reading this right now. Which would suck!!! My stomach still hurts like you wouldn't believe, but i don't think i want to go back... so, I won't. unless it gets so bad i can't stand it, i'm gonna stay home and sleep it off.

Banana Cream Reese's Cups (dA)

Journal Entry: Tue Apr 15, 2008, 5:38 PM

• Mood: Optimism
• Listening to: Japanese Music
• Reading: Queen of the Darkness
• Eating: Banana Cream Reese's Cups
• Drinking: Dr. Pepper!

Are awesome!!! If you haven't tried them yet, you have not lived until you have!!! YAY ELVIS!!!

So anyway, moving on. I posted the prologue of my story today... I hope that people will give me LOTS of comments and advice. I'm hoping that someone out there will let me know if they like it or if they think it stinks. I NEED FEEDBACK!!!!

I hope to have the first chapter written and submitted by tonight. HOPEFULLY!! God only knows that I don't do anything else with my time, might as well write.
I'm hoping to be hit in the head with some inspiration so that I can post some new poems. keep your fingers crossed that I do. I'm thinking of all the saints and sinners i was talking about yesterday, and i'm thinking that I want to do a poem for them. I think it would be cool. I want to start out on Joan of Arc (Jeanne d'Arc), because I think that if I was ever to have a patron saint it would be her.

If any of you have any ideas of things that you think might spark my interest (being eclectic is an awesome trait, so anything will) send it my way!! Thanks!

Lillie Out

The Boogie Man did it... (dA)

Journal Entry: Tue Apr 15, 2008, 12:00 AM

• Mood: Anger
• Listening to: Breakfast by the Newsboys
• Reading: Queen of the Darkness
• Watching: the screen
• Drinking: water

Joan of Arc
Hypatia of Alexandria
Saint Benedict the Moor
Sarah Churchill, Duchess of Marlborough

September 25th
January 5th

Those are just a few of the things i've been researching of recent. You may be asking, why? Well, because i was bored and a friend asked me to look up Saint Christopher for him. That sent me on a trip to research many saints, in a seemingly neverending quest to find a patron saint of mine own. Again, you may ask why? I admit that I am not catholic. But suddenly the need to hold my great-grandmother's rosary and recite a Hail Mary and have a patron saint of my own plagued me.
Then, I decided to research my date of birth. September 25th. Facsinating stuff happened on my birthday. I share it with A murderer, a mythbuster, an actor, an astrologer, a shogun and many others. Not to mention that many people died on my birthday as well. For example, Bobby Carter left this world, just as I entered it in 1988. I found that to be rather facsinating.

Moving on from that... I seem to have a touch of writer's block. yesterday my fingers typed furiously the poem that I have titled "None Love As I" and after that I feel incredibly drained of any inspiration. This, too, sent me on a quest to find a patron saint for writers. I cannot explain it. Then I tried to find a saint Sarah which is close to Sarai, since I figured that there were no saint Sarai's. The only one is Sarah, Abraham's wife. And her name started out as Sarai, so I guess that works out....

I'm being very random, I apologize.
Today I plan to work on a story that I have laid aside entirely to long. I will obviously be posting its prologue/1st chapter soon for all to read if they wish. And maybe, someone can wish me up some inspiration so that i might actually finish this story! That it might not lie in a shallow grave with its brothers and sisters, because I have at least 100 unfinished stories that cry out for a proper funeral.

In closing: The boogie man did it. If you don't know what he did, then I don't either.
Chlosterol is bad.
Sarai is entirely to tired for her or anyone else's good.
And is too sad to write much more of this upbeat/random crap. Can't stall the emotions for long.
Enjoy your days, good luck and sweet dreams/realities.

None Love As I

None loved as I when I first loved he that died.
Nor could any fathom the depths of his soul's touch
to mine own.
None could love as I when first I cried for his blood.

Depths of oceans green, float about him now, his
curls drenched in bloody wine.
And none could love as I when first I touched his
soul to mine.

Sleep, weary traveler. Die softly in words shattered.
Can't contain the holes, they fill and splatter pain.
None can love as I when curled in my arms he died,
grief is a poison, live and die.

None love as I, dying by the side of the road, where
tears of gold stream down my broken empty eyes.
A broken skull, full of roses sweet, place the cross
at the feet. And none love as I, when rain is upside down.

Aha! The Lillie lives! (dA)

Journal Entry: Sun Apr 13, 2008, 1:39 PM

• Mood: Wow!
• Listening to: the wind
• Reading: heir of the shadows
• Watching: fawny
• Playing: Avernum 3
• Drinking: water

Okay, today's program is brought to you by the letter "L" as in Lillie Lives! and LoL and many other such nonsenses!

Yes, you heard right. I live. And I wrote a new poem!! YAY!

Today they are holding a wake for my Papa Frank (he that has passed from me to the next world) and tomorrow they bury him. I cannot say that I have completely overcome my sorrow, but I am much better than I was. So, in memory of him, I am wearing pink (his favorite colour). I can't wear the pink shirt that I want to because i have not lost sufficient amounts of weight yet to wear it. Hopefully on the anniversary of his death I will be able to wear it in honour of him that I love/d.

Now as for today, I wrote a new poem. Be forewarned that it makes no sense! I think I have the basic concept of what I was trying to say, but then again this is coming from the mind of a strange Sarai. I am myself, just not myself. If that makes any sense whatsoever. Love me or hate me, its up to you.

And so concludes this program on the Lillie that lives!

I am not dead, But I am not alive (dA)

Journal Entry: Wed Apr 9, 2008, 1:52 PM

• Mood: Depressed
• Listening to: japanese music
• Reading: daughter of blood
• Watching: the rain fall
• Playing: the "i won't cry again" game
• Eating: chicken stew
• Drinking: water

For those of you who were wondering where in heaven's good name Sarai has gone, I am here to tell you that I am not dead. The last 5 days of packing and play performances took a lot out of me and so I did not write. I have been living in Oklahoma successfully for the past 5 days. I have lived here almost a week! YAY!

On to the reasoning behind my not being alive.
Today I lost someone so very dear to me. His name was Papa Frank (well to me anyway). I have known and loved the man since i was 2 1/2 (i am almost 20 now). He had been fighting diabetes for a really long time. And kidney failure and dialysis aren't good to a man's body. He passed away at 1:18am (California time) too many miles from me. I shall miss him terrible and even now feel as though i may burst into those terrible tears again.

I live, but my heart has died within me. She can no longer beat when she is so broken. I live, but my soul has died within me. He has no room to hold all the grief spilling from within this shell. And so, embraced by death's wicked arms, they slip off into the eternal rest. Along with he I loved, death doesn't seem so bad.