Aborted

The walls around me are scarlet.

They are alive, breathing and moving.

The world around me is getting smaller,

or am I getting bigger?

She spreads her palm over taut flesh.

She knows she is alive, breathing.

All that she can hear is the doctor's

voice echoing in her ears.

Suddenly, light, like a gaudy flower,

blooms upon my face. Pain merges

with every cell in my body. If I could

cry I would, torn into pieces by

she who should have loved me.

Inferiority Complex

So fed up with this inferiority complex.

They never come, they always leave.

My hand is always empty, limp at my side.

Something wrong with me, isn't that the way it

always is? Never good enough for anybody?


It doesn't make sense, this life of mine.

Watching day after day change like tides.

They always leave in the end, the pain is bittersweet.

Inferiority complex, that must be it. Somewhere

I was deficient, isn't that the way it is?


Broken down by my own stupidity.

You always leave baby, giving me a complex.

Isn't that the way it always is?

They love you and leave you, or maybe they never

loved to begin with?


Grown so used to being worthless, inferior.

I wear the broken pieces of my heart like a noose.

Each new loss gives a vicious twist.

But isn't that the way it is when you're

inferior? That must be how life is meant to go.

Soliloquy

The straps of her black satin bra fall off her shoulders. Her breasts flow over the lace edged top, ivory silk etched in china-blue. A sparkly pink and white thong, the only thing she ever bought from Victoria's Secret, is stained now, but she cannot decide whether to leave it or not. A soft pink knit sweater lies in a crumpled heap
across from her, one sleeve hopelessly torn. Her black skirt sits beside her, but she can't make her hands reach for it.

Slumped against a dingy white plaster wall, she feels like a marionette without strings. All her limbs are broken, at least they seem that way. Try to stand, force her body to move. She struggles to breathe, her lungs feel as though they have collapsed. Her bones feel brittle, her body feels hollow, carved from the inside out. She knows, if she stands, she will fall apart. She can't run, can't face the truth and
she can't hide from it either. She cradles herself, remembering and cursing herself for the memory.

She stands, moving mechanically. She sleep walks home, a zombie. She peels away the clothing and climbs into the arms of the porcelain basin. She makes the water as hot as she can stand, scrubs until she is raw, endeavoring to erase the night's cruel stains. But nothing purges her body of the violation. Leaning against a wall, she sinks down, allowing the torrent to cascade over her and flay already frayed nerves. A silhouette of herself stands to accuse her, lacerated by thoughts and memory.

She notices the bruises, spread out like an intricate maze of purples and blue across the map of her skin. Head in hand, scorching tears trail down her cheeks, knees pressed to her chest. The water has turned to ice, her lips are turning blue, but she can't seem to make herself care. She turns off the water, watches as a lost watery trickle of scarlet is sucked down the drain. Exhausted, she shivers and wishes for
strength. None comes, not even the mechanical strength that brought her home.

She falls asleep in the tub, dreams of what happened and all that has passed. She tries to pretend that it was all a nightmare, tries to prove to herself that it never happened.

But, when she opens her eyes, the proof lies all over her.

Dear ________, (language)

Dear ________,
I hate you. My soul and heart are filled to the brim with venom and bile that YOU created. You are a monster, a pathetic waste of flesh in this universe.

I can't believe I loved you once. I can't believe I looked up to you. I LOVED You! To think that I could love a creep like you. Well, I guess it is possible, I mean I did date a child molester. But you are the worse because at least he admitted to what he was accused of. You are the worst of reprobates, the king of filth, a true servant of your "God", Satan. For no "Christian" would love and worship Lucifer as tenderly as you have. Did you let him fuck you too? Or are you saving yourself for when you go to Hell?

You are a hypocrite, a liar, a rapist, an abuser, a self-righteous asshole and worse. They don't get lower than you.

You purposefully put your child in danger, abuse your step-children, rape your wife and then go to church and profess the love of God. You make me sick. I want to throw up whenever you are near. Your false kindness is enough to make even Satan gag. Your lies and deeds are what they use to teach new demons in Hell. You are a shining example of all the worst in Christianity. I hate how I can't even stand to hear your name spoken.

If _____ is right, and God sent you to us, then God is a cruel bastard. Because no one, NO ONE, deserves to be put through your Hell. Not even the worst murderer on Death Row deserves you.

I hate how you've turned ________ against us and turned her into a brainwashed brat. You are SO disgusting to turn a child against a mother who did everything in her power to take care of her.

I can't understand why she ever let you into our lives. You make me feel worthless and stupid, guilty for being a woman and DISGUSTED with my own belief system because YOU taught it to me!

You should listen to a song called "I Get It" by Chevelle. It reminds me of you and _____. You think you are so good, so Godly, but ______ is Godlier than you. Dahmer at his WORST was Godlier than you and he was raping, murdering and eating boys! I shouldn't be surprised though. How is sex with _____? I hope you choke while you are swallowing his sperm. I hope you are infected with a million incurable diseases and die a horrific death.

You know, I've had offers to have you killed? People beg with me to let them make you disappear. And, if it wouldn't hurt ______ (because she still loves you, though not even God knows why) and _______, I would let them. I would gleefully watch your pathetic life extinguished. Oh, I'm sorry, am I using too many big words?

Fuck you, fuck what you stand for and all your bullshit.

I hope your colon gets punctured while _______ fucks you and you die from internal bleeding.

Sarai

Dear ________, (dA)

Tue Mar 31, 2009, 5:02 PM

* Mood: Furious
* Listening to: I Get It (Chevelle)
* Playing: Oblivion: The Elder Scrolls

Dear ________,
I hate you. My soul and heart are filled to the brim with venom and bile that YOU created. You are a monster, a pathetic waste of flesh in this universe.

I can't believe I loved you once. I can't believe I looked up to you. I LOVED You! To think that I could love a creep like you. Well, I guess it is possible, I mean I did date a child molester. But you are the worse because at least he admitted to what he was accused of. You are the worst of reprobates, the king of filth, a true servant of your "God", Satan. For no "Christian" would love and worship Lucifer as tenderly as you have. Did you let him fuck you too? Or are you saving yourself for when you go to Hell?

You are a hypocrite, a liar, a rapist, an abuser, a self-righteous asshole and worse. They don't get lower than you.

You purposefully put your child in danger, abuse your step-children, rape your wife and then go to church and profess the love of God. You make me sick. I want to throw up whenever you are near. Your false kindness is enough to make even Satan gag. Your lies and deeds are what they use to teach new demons in Hell. You are a shining example of all the worst in Christianity. I hate how I can't even stand to hear your name spoken.

If _____ is right, and God sent you to us, then God is a cruel bastard. Because no one, NO ONE, deserves to be put through your Hell. Not even the worst murderer on Death Row deserves you.

I hate how you've turned ________ against us and turned her into a brainwashed brat. You are SO disgusting to turn a child against a mother who did everything in her power to take care of her.

I can't understand why she ever let you into our lives. You make me feel worthless and stupid, guilty for being a woman and DISGUSTED with my own belief system because YOU taught it to me!

You should listen to a song called "I Get It" by Chevelle. It reminds me of you and _____. You think you are so good, so Godly, but ______ is Godlier than you. Dahmer at his WORST was Godlier than you and he was raping, murdering and eating boys! I shouldn't be surprised though. How is sex with _____? I hope you choke while you are swallowing his sperm. I hope you are infected with a million incurable diseases and die a horrific death.

You know, I've had offers to have you killed? People beg with me to let them make you disappear. And, if it wouldn't hurt ______ (because she still loves you, though not even God knows why) and _______, I would let them. I would gleefully watch your pathetic life extinguished. Oh, I'm sorry, am I using too many big words?

Fuck you, fuck what you stand for and all your bullshit.

I hope your colon gets punctured while _______ fucks you and you die from internal bleeding.

Sarai

Pornography

Dancing on broken glass, our breasts drenched in shades of blood and
wine. Our mouths swallow semen and poison, harlots and sinners,
cursed angels and martyred saints.

Diseased and enlightened, abandoned on a whim.

Divided between Hell and Heaven, sanity and lunacy. Dragged down to
our knees, beaten and taken, moonlight alone knows of our sins. Hated
and betrayed, can a rose experience blasphemy’s rape?

Drunk, we laugh and pretend it is the end.

Deceived and corrupt, lost beyond all hope of salvation. Bitten by a
darkness that only the dark could know. A smile, a scream, sacrificed on
the altar of demons and wayward angels.

Deeper and deepest points of penetration and mutilation. Condemned
to mortal suffering, guilt and fear caressing and tormenting. The Devil
may have our hearts, enslaved to his insanity. Broken dolls within his
innocent corruption.

Hey!! OUT THERE IN MYSPACE LAND!! HELLO?!

Well friends it has finally come to this. I have to resort to bribing and otherwise finagling(sp) to get people to read these things. lol. Just kidding.

Things are well I suppose. I am stressed beyond all belief, but all things will pass as they should.

Moving back to OK at the end of May. That is the plan, hoping it goes through as planned.

Here in a moment I'll have to leave to catch the bus, but I want everyone to know that i miss them and love them with all mi corazon!!

Write me if you want to know details about my life, or if you are just bored enough to care about what I might have to say.

I am a vast plain filled with waving grasses on various topics... :D

I'm Out!

Marilyn Monroe

A mad poet, dancing through space. You scribbled venom, running from fate.
A wandering prophet, searching the deserts for a glimpse of God, only to find
sand.

A Goddess, you longed for mortality. Wishing for someone to love who you
were, not who you had been. All the while holding a world that loved only
your beauty, never looking within.

A gypsy forsaken by the music, surrounded by glittering diamonds, but they
weren’t your friends. Pursued by men who never cared or ever would, all
they ever wanted was between your legs.

A million sparkling pieces, exploding and shattering, will you ever stop
spinning out of control? Will you ever find what you crave? More fragile than
you appeared, you were stronger than they knew.

Norma Jean was lost, found in the coffin of Miss Marilyn Monroe. Was the
price of that last kiss worth your soul? Did they truly love Marilyn Monroe?
Were you still Norma Jean at the end of it all?

Now you are an icon, worshipped and idolized, but did they ever look into those
beautifully broken eyes? Beloved by a generation, one that never understood
the scars that lay just beneath the skin.

Just stopping by to share this little tidbit...

Okay, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that the great and magnifico Michelangelo actually wrote POETRY too!! So here are three poems by him (of the ones that I've read so far) that I thought everyone would enjoy, or at least not barf at...
ps. Had a dream that Gackt said that I was the whinyest and most ugly human being he had ever met... it made me sad.

Michelangelo Poetry

11
How shall I dare, my love,
Without your presence keep myself alive,
If, when I leave you, my lips do not dare
Utter a word to tell you my despair?
Those sobs, those sighs, those tears,
With which, my lady, I brought you my heart, ---
Did they not tell you how my death was near,
And all my bitter smart?
But lest you should forget, when I am far,
That I am still your servant, --- as a sign
Of love --- O keep my heart no longer mine.

12
Your heart is only merciless deceit,
Though well it hides its inner bitterness.
Your word, a thing of time, can last far less
Than a fair blossom when the spring is sweet.
Time in its speed assigns the hours that fleet, ---
The most effective poisonous distress
Of life (a sickle for the hay, unless

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

A human word is empty, beauty brief,
And they seem destined to fade out together,
Just as your sin together with my fears

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

It would have to be so, through our years.

41
I feed on my own death, and yet I feel
Quite happy in my own unhappiness.
Let those who want to shun death or distress
Learn from this fervor I cannot conceal.

42
Who makes me die, he also makes me live:
The more a flame is fed by wood or breath,
The more, while killing me, he spares me death,
And the greater the joy that I receive.

He Hits Her

Preface: Keep in mind that this is POETRY. I am in NO way being abused by Donnie or anyone else. This was inspired by all my girlfriends who are being abused and have been abused. I love you and you are worth SO MUCH MORE than that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He hits her. Everyday and for every reason.
He brusies her, lets his fists fall again and again.
But she loves him, takes the blame upon herself.
But he must love her. Afterall, he hasn't left yet.

He uses her body, plays with it like a toy.
He pushes her to the limits, then drags her back for more.
But he lovs her and he is so sorry.
But he said that last time, does he really mean it?

He breaks her arm, again. Gives her another black eye.
He likes destroying that pretty, wingless, angel.
But he doesn't know that she would die for him.
But she doesn't know that he wouldn't care.

He decides he is done, leaves the mess for someone else.
He will find another beautiful tragedy to ruin.
But he doesn't know that girl on the floor, he never did.
But she can't stand his abandonment, because she loves him.

Doll

A lover's caress, sinfully soft, filled with the beautiful poison of a liar's tongue.
Caught in lust and tangled in love, can a moon be a sun or a hangman's noose won?
Penetration, flooded with blood and tears, fibers knit together, creation.

A severed touch, harsh and uncaring, stained fingers caress pure skin. Nude.
Captured and twisted in this wicked starlight, the intensity of that cut burns the soul.
Pulse meets pulse, a year of days eclipsing a face. We belong to nothing.

A broken doll lies in a dead girl's arms. Innocence forever changed, lost.
Catalyzed by the hands of time, bleeding forgotten rhymes. Does death have a taste?
Peace, like a decayed rose, sobers the moment. Then again, peace never truly lived.

A minute, a second. Time continues even as everything disappears.
Castaway of Heaven, lover of Hell. Blinded can you see? Dying can you live?
Purged and slipping, crimson satin bathes a naked moon, ivory and blood.

A final thought, evidence of sours and sweets, of honey and acid. Broken.
Corrupted by its own flesh, jilted by its own breath. Haunted by betrayed lovers.
Past and present, forever united, ever divided. Isn't that just a line in a song?

The Empty

You bend the shadows, lost in the destroying. You crumple flowers,
trying to find something. So many things you've forgotten, all the things
that made you happy. You throw stones to fail at the skipping, waging
war with yourself to win the empty.

And what do you gain, petulant child? A world of your own imagining,
a devastated planet ripe for the creating? So you mold and you break,
make the shadows obey, you cry and you hate. You have a taste for
blood and you'll have it, all for a glimpse of empty.

Your tears bring forth oceans, your breath is the air, and all of it for
nothing. You picture the veins below your skin and wonder if, tainted,
you could love again. Blood is such a beautiful lover, painting yourself
in dark reds, ignoring the fact that you're empty.

So you dance and you scream, you force heaven to hear you and all
of your dreams. You lie and you steal and you hope for something
real. A bending and broken shadow of flowers that have died. Is the
price of your soul worth the empty?

Well there was this one boy...

Hey everybody. Long time, no actual talk. So here is an update on your favorite Sarai. (Remember, a dose of Sarai a day keeps the Crabs away. Well, and every other kind of crustacean. Wait... YOU thought I meant the BAD kind of crabs didn't you?! *shakes head* Perverts!)

So to begin with, you may have noticed some new poetry. I have regained a bit of my muse, not much, but some. In fact there was going to be some new poetry today, but I forgot it at home. The past couple of weeks have been hell. I have hardly had time to
breathe, let alone write long blogs, like everyone is used to.

First, I would like to say that I AM moving back to Oklahoma. The date is unknown yet, but it IS happening. Your complaints may be directed towards my posterior.

Truth of the matter is boys and girls, that I just can't stand the drama anymore. I am tired of all the bullshit that you know who has been putting everyone through. I know that sounds like running away and maybe it is, but at this point I could care less. I am tired of the bs and I am unhealthier than I ever have been.

Did you all know that in OK not only was I losing weight, but I hardly ever had to use my inhaler? It's true. I had hardly ANY asthma trouble the few months I was away, but as soon as I got back everything hit hard and HARDER. I am OFFICIALLY out of my inhaler. And guess what lovelies? No insurances means this one can't get anymore of that critical medicine because I can't afford to pay the hundreds of dollars it costs to buy one without insurance.

The other thing is that Donnie has finally agreed to come with. So I'm not going back alone. Part of that is because he loves me, part of it is because he wants out of here too and part of it is that he just flat out adores Fawny (and who doesn't? Don't say it Ryan! lol).

Moving on. I am starting driver's ed soon. March 25th to be exact. I am slightly afraid because the instructor (a 60-something man) can't spell my first name! Even though I spelled it for him 5 times!! Oh well.

Wes is the one who took me to get everything set up. That wasn't fun. But I got a bit of my own back on the way home. Without looking at him I said "You know, I wish that you were doing this out of the kindness of your heart rather than because the court said you had to." And that was ALL I said. I didn't cuss him out or anything else. I think that was enough though, because he was silent the rest of the ride.

However, there is now more bullshit with him and his mother. They apparently don't feel comfortable with the fact that Donnie is living with us. Even though, Wes' mom has only met Donnie once (and he could've melted a Chinese Grandmother's heart with how polite and cordial he was. He even gave her a hug!) and Wes has only met him
twice. They told Mom and I that it wasn't any of our concern when it came to Barry living with Wes (even though Mom and I KNOW Barry and what a creep he is) so we said the same. (Note: Hannah is left unattendend with Barry all the time, Donnie has NEVER been completly alone with Hannah.)

I don't care anymore, really I don't. If he wants to be a pedantic child and a hypocrite, by all means, let him. I could really care less. All I care about is getting out of this situation and trying to LIVE MY LIFE. Is there something wrong with that?

In other news, I would just like to announce to everyone (go ahead and say what you like) that I am Bi-Sexual. I like both Guys and Girls. And, yes, I have a girlfriend. As aforementioned, it is my life and for now I am exploring my options. I am not saying that I will be like this forever (I know my Christian friends are horrified right now), but I have to figure out WHO I am and WHAT I am before I can truly begin to LIVE my life.

Accept me for what I am, because I have always accepted everyone else for who they are. I haven't decided what I shall do with the rest of my life yet, but for now I am going to explore my avenues.

And there is everyone's update. I love you all and hope to hear from everyone soon.

love,
Sarai

The Muse

Splintered, her world is bleeding, her mind turbulent. The hate and the
gore beating against her stolen frame, long forgotten by her faithless
lover. The memories can't be seen as her spirit fails to thrive. The fire
burns the hand of time in this winter of her discontent. She rises, soul
icy with vengeful rhymes, drenched in sin she is catalyzed.

Her lips are bruised with ardent and fragrant kisses. His lust tears at
her skin, her hands, her breath is taken by his. Perfumed with false
love, her knowledge of times before are fading, a frail ghost against
his reality. She longs to burn those heartless stars that cast their
judging eyes upon her. Deserted, she pours herself out until she
disappears.

Her hurt and rage fill the air, crimson she is torn. She plucks a flower
to watch the blood flow from crucified stems. Bound to this mortal
coil, she is broken ivory, she is fairest turmoil. These cloaks and masks
are not enough to hide her from the collapse. Petals fall from the sky,
the crosses pin her to heaven. Cursed, she lets her heart break, knowing
the eye of God never held compassion for her.

The air is full of poisoned truths, the look glass holds her there.
Chained to invisible skies, she is left to shatter. A dying breath never
seemed so sweet, her tears turn to venom. To shrug off this flesh,
that this captured spirit would fly free, she would give everything.

Knives of ice puncture her lungs, crucified roses stained with her horror.
Doves dart down to brush her womb, that piece of her sold for nothing.
The webs that trap her, burnt and fragile, inside this bloodstained view,
slip away. No one to mourn her, as her gaze seems to fade.

An altar lies before her, frozen in history's maze, a splinter of silver,
her sight covered in frost. She lies open, a book to be read, to be
beaten and mutilated, to be lost. Life transcends the stain of the tomb.

She lie, nude, waiting for those that destroy, those that will cause
the rift, cause the damage to be done. They tear her apart, like wolves
tear a lamb. Her blood flows like ribbons fair, her hand grasping for
something, but only touching air. They drag her down to hell below,
no longer a muse.

Luna Birth (for Gackt)

Oasis has no hold on your soul.
You find no peace within misty blue nights.
A ghost of times you can't recall, haunted.
Cry out to Jesus, but does he hear you?

You search for redemption, for something
worthwhile. Filled with regret for things you
haven't done, for times long gone. A child of
the moon, embraced by a future you can't
understand.

The music plays, faster and faster, a
storm of notes and keys. Somewhere,
beyond the lies and broken wings, the mirror
will show you another world. The last
song plays, mournful and mizerable.

Moon child, when will you realize that
orange suns and love letters do not own your
soul? Find a road in rebirth, a crescent of
what will be. Embraced by the farewell.

Bullshit going down. (dA)

Wed Mar 11, 2009, 3:45 PM

* Mood: Furious
* Listening to: I Get It (Chevelle)
* Playing: Oblivion: The Elder Scrolls

Hey everybody,
Next time I write I will be posting a letter I wrote to someone. I think you all can guess who when you read the letter itself. I thought it was poetic justice personally. :D
Right now there is a ton of bullshit going down, including discovering myself and how I feel about things, dealing with liars and fake people, and pushing the edge of sanity. Other than all that it's all good. *sarcasm*

Love you all.
Sarai

So Sorry... (dA)

Tue Mar 3, 2009, 6:36 PM

* Mood: Pain
* Listening to: Somewhere out there (Our Lady Peace)
* Playing: Fallout 3 (because it makes me smile!)
* Eating: Ramen (like always)
* Drinking: Pink Lemonade

Hey everyone!!
Long time no write. Sorry about that. I have been unable to reach even the library of recent. and have nothing to interesting to write about.

Except for the fact that I met someone very interesting at a party recently. His name is Ali Khalid Abdullah. He was/is a political prisoner. Look him up, he is awesome. I enjoyed talking with him SO much, because a lot of our political views are the same. Just that he has been to prison for them and I haven't.

Not to mention that he was TOTALLY flirting with my mom and gave her his number!! O.O I was in shock. :D Well, she is beautiful, so I can see why he would like her. Anyway, he is amazing and everyone should check him out and support him if you agree with the cause.

In the mean time I love you all and miss you greatly!! Soon I will be back with some new material.

Love,
Sarai