Echo

The moon, shaped like a Cheshire cat's smile,
hung low in the twilight sky. A single silver star
is her only companion tonight.
All the parts of life's plays are winding down to just an
elegant phrase, not but pieces of sunset poetry
and misty eyes.
The willow's monologue drifts lazily on the breeze, her
weeping arms straining to hold him in place. Loving
fingers caress his beautiful face.
In love with his own face, he ignores those gentle caresses,
that straining embrace. Loved by only an echo, he wastes
away, eyes closing in this final scene, this last act.
Allowed only to repeat, her own voice lost in his soliloquy. No
monologue for her, cursed, no true love or own verse. She
fades into the Cheshire cat's smile, alone on a bruised twilight night.

A Duffy kind of Day... (dA)

Tue Dec 30, 2008, 6:44 PM

* Mood: Apprehensive
* Listening to: Delayed Devotion - Duffy
* Reading: My heart and mind, looking for answers
* Watching: the worst year ever end...
* Playing: that same old Wishing Game again
* Eating: Chocolate
* Drinking: Coca-Cola

Hello lovelies,
How is everyone?! I miss you all so very much. I wish I could find a bleeding job so I could get the internet running again. Wouldn't that be nice? *sigh*

Hannah has been very ill. So ill in fact that her fever spiked up to 105.1 at one point. I was the only one home with her, bc mom is working a second job to pay the bills. I had to call her father to have him bring me some liquid Tylenol because we were out and she was burning up. He brought the thermometer that told us that she was at 105.1. I had to get her into a cold bath, which obviously wasn't fun for her or me. He said she didn't need to go to the ER and there was nothing I could do with him there.

Luckily her temp came back down rather quickly once I got some tylenol in her and cold water on her. Then we found out that she had lice again. Because someone *cough* her father *cough* didn't give her the second treatment that she needed 7 to 10 days after the first.

I am so tired of this shit... *sigh*

The good news is that I love you all. And even with things being rough, I'm still here. I'm still breathing and I am not going to stop any time soon. :D

I am still madly in love with Donnie and I'm still writing some. I'll post some stuff when I get a chance. My only wish is that this next year will be better, because 2008 sucked big time!! It had its good points (Obama winning the election, getting a boyfriend, Oklahoma, etc...), but its bad points (losing Hannah, lice, etc...) have had me in a tizzy for most of it.

Looking forward to a new year and hopefully a new start for all of us. :D

Also, I would love it if I would stop having such graphic nightmares. That would be LOVELY!! *sigh* I'll get over it eventually.

Everyone should check out "Delayed Devotion" by Duffy, because I love it. I don't need it anymore, which means that I can appreciate it without having to associate with it. :D

Love to you all, write when I can.

Love ever so passionately,
Sarai

The Viper’s Flute

From ivory bone carved, dulcet whispers permeate the still air.
In sweetest poisons forged, notes dripping with forgotten blood.
By dead men's lips played, kissed with a venom most hypnotic
and buried without name.

About the knife-like fangs entwined, cadence flows gently on.
Tension rises, breath shallows, hollowed hearts flood with
the crescendo. Sweeter fly the notes, arrant and passionate,
filling every crevice and every mouth with honeyed disease.

Ethereal music swiftly plays, summoning angels and demons to
dance. Glittering like diamonds ablaze, it swells. Embraced by
a magic undefined and cursed by the Goddess that all who
touch must die.

Bound to the enchantment by force unseen, by the music captured.
To be kissed by Death's decaying lips and sway in dreamless
depths of silk. The price, kingdoms of hearts to pay. To breathe
darkest perfumes that only the viper's flute can play.

Updates. :D (dA)

Fri Dec 26, 2008, 1:55 PM

* Mood: Winter Downs
* Listening to: Let it Rock - Kevin Rudolf
* Reading: My poem...
* Watching: Robin Hood Men in Tights
* Playing: BioShock
* Eating: Wendy's
* Drinking: Mt. Dew

Hello everyone. I'm alive. thought you all might like to know. :D

Nothing really new going on. Christmas sucked as per usual. I hate the holidays, they give me nothing but grief. The only good bits were that I got to spend it with my mom, my brother and my boyfriend. Hannah wasn't with us for Christmas, she was with her father.

She came over on Sunday and stayed until Tuesday. She wasn't Hannah though. She was a real brat and I hate to say that it wasn't really fun while she was there. I love her to pieces, but she is so SPOILED!! Because her father wants to keep her in the frame of mind that he can give her everything while we have nothing.

The fucked up bit is that he makes $900 a week and he was pestering my mom about his child-support. Can you believe that?! She is barely making enough to survive and he is already bitching at her about her child-support check.

I'm kind of fed up with all the bullshit to be honest, but what can I do? Nothing.

Have been having lots of strange dreams recently, but don't really have time to go into them here. Have to get back to the book store so that my mom can go and clean for my aunt. I hurt to much to really do anything for my aunt today. Which also sucks.

Hope everyone else had a better Holiday. :hug: to all.

TTFN (dA)

Fri Dec 12, 2008, 10:56 PM

* Mood: Irritated
* Listening to: Jesus - Gackt
* Reading: My comments :D
* Eating: Pizza
* Drinking: Cola

Okay everyone... it is the day. At midnight tonight the internet and cable go off.

I'll talk to you all soon. Though, while I'm gone you should all go and check this out [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4plEI-mdOA] :dance: I am IN LOVE WITH IT!!! *sigh* Its the little things in life... you know?

Okay. so :hug: to everyone and I'll talk to everyone when I get back.

love,
Sarai

The Witch’s Harp

Once upon a time, in a land long forgotten by time, there lived a man who had two daughters. The older daughter was very beautiful, with long blood red spiral curls and flawless ivory skin that seemed to glow in any light. Around her neck she wore a jasper sand dollar, given to her by her father as an early wedding present as she was soon to be wed. The younger daughter was beautiful as well with pale green eyes and dark hair, but she was very selfish and greedy.

Now the man to whom the oldest was to be married was a very rich man. He was so very rich that he lived in a Crystal Castle on a cliff by the sea, waited on hand and foot by many servants and owned most of the forests that grew in their country. Not only this, but he was a very handsome man and well known through out the land for his intellect and wit. It came about one day, the youngest daughter became very jealous of her sister and desired to wed the groom herself.

One day, just before the older sister was to wed, the younger convinced her to go for a picnic deep in the forests that lay beyond the Crystal Castle by the sea. Hesitantly, the older agreed to the picnic and followed as her younger sister traveled into the woods. They traveled deeper and deeper and deeper still, so that the older sister began to fear that they would lose their way and be torn apart by wild animals. Thinking quickly, she took a one ribbon from one of the braids in her long crimson hair and tied it around a tree branch. And, as they journeyed on, she continued to remove ribbons from her braided hair to tie around the trees. As she was tying one ribbon she began to sing softly,

"This day am I, ribbons I leave, the trail to find. My sister is beautiful, though her soul is intent to kill. Her deepest wish that I shouldst die. Weep for me, soft nightingale."

"What are you singing fair sister?" asked the younger.

"I was only singing of what a beautiful day this will be." replied the older sister and she removed another ribbon to mark the way.

Finally, the younger sister stopped and began to lay out the picnic. When she was finished she looked up to see that her sister's hair was loose and flowing, jealousy sparked inside her and she asked,

"Why, sister, what has happened to your ribbons so that your hair is loose and apt to be tangled by the wind?"

I feared we would lose our way, so I tied my ribbons to tree branches so that we might find our way back to the Crystal Castle." she replied, seating herself on the blanket.

"Ah, what a clever sister have I." said the false sister. "But come now, let us eat and enjoy the day before we must return to your husband's house."

As the day waned and the sun began to set, the sisters began to pack away their picnic so that they might head home quickly before dark fell upon the forest. When they had finished packing, the younger turned to the older and went toward her as if to embrace her. But just as the older's arms wrapped about her sister's waist, she felt a sharp pain in her chest and looked down to see a beautiful dagger buried inside of her. Her eyes grew wide in pain as she stumbled and fell back, the dagger's jeweled hilt stained with her blood.

Swiftly, the younger sister removed the dagger and began to hack away at her sister's white dress, shredding it as a wild animal would. Then she rubbed some of her sister's blood on her own clothing and face, slashing at her own arms and dress so that it looked as if she, too, had been attacked. Yanking the jasper pendant off of her sister's neck she ran back to the Crystal Castle, following the ribbons that her sister had left to mark the path.

Upon arriving at the Crystal Castle, the sister threw open the doors screaming and crying that her sister had been killed. The man of the house and her father came running to her, catching her as she began to collapse to the floor. Once she came out of her faint, she told them a story of how they had gone for a picnic and were attacked by wild animals as they tried to make their way home. She cried many false tears as she related that her sister was dead, producing the stained sand dollar pendant as proof of her lies.

At her proof, the two men began to weep. News spread quickly through out the kingdom of the oldest daughter's death and the whole of the kingdom mourned for her sake.

A year and a day after she murdered her sister, the younger was in her room preparing for her wedding to the owner of the Crystal Castle. Around her neck hung her sister's jasper pendant, still slightly stained with the blood of it's previous owner. While she combed out her long dark hair, a knock sounded on the heavy doors of the great hall, just below her room. Quickly, she ran down the stairs to open the doors.

At the door stood a beggar woman, her blood red curls ratted and matted with leaves and twigs, her skin ashen and thin. In her hand she held a flower with a single black pearl embraced lovingly by the blood red petals. Wordlessly, she held it out to the younger sister, gesturing for her to take it. At first the younger woman seemed hesitant, then, with eyes full of greed, the younger sister took the flower. The beggar woman smiled, then began to sing,

"This day am I, ribbons I leave, the trail to find. My sister is beautiful, though in her soul is intent to kill. Her deepest wish that I shouldst die. Weep for me, soft nightingale."

The younger sister stood still a moment, her memory flooded with her sister's dying image. She flushed and looked at the woman before her, stamped her foot and angrily asked,

"How come you by that song beggar woman?"

"This way and that way, beautiful child. I learned it upon my harp." Then out from under her cloak, the beggar woman pulled a beautiful and fragile harp, one that looked as though it was made from the finest bone in all the world. The strings of this harp were long strands of gold, set in the frame with blood red pearls, the beggar woman smiled then, her toothless mouth gleaming in the lights from the hall. Tenderly, she touched a string, the soft tone of it almost sounded like weeping.

"You are a witch." cried the younger sister, covering her ears with her hands. She dropped the flower to the floor and as it fell it transformed into her sister, dressed in her white dress with a black cloak wrapped about her.

"No, sister," said the older. "I am the witch. When you left me to die in the forests alone, a wizard happened upon me. He healed my wounds and taught me magic. He then transformed me into the flower you so coveted, and brought me here for my revenge." With that, the beggar woman transformed into a tall man with long ivory hair and ebony skin. In his left hand was a white staff and in the other was the enchanted harp.

Taking the harp in hand, the witch strummed lightly, the strings pulling the younger sister closer.

"Come sister, don't you want to dance?" laughed the witch, playing a jaunty tune upon the harp.

The younger could not help but move, her hips swaying to the music, her feet merrily following in time. The witch played faster so that the younger sister's feet moved more swiftly, their own power dragging the girl across the crystal floors of her Crystal Castle. She covered her ears, screaming at the top of her voice, so that she might drown out the horrible sounds of the harp. For, because of her guilt, the music was instead the voice of Death singing of her dying moments.

The witch laughed and played ever faster, her wizard joining in on a silver violin. The two played as the younger twirled about so fast that she could not breathe. No longer able to with stand the enchantment, the sister threw herself out of one of the windows, flinging herself to the jagged rocks below. Her body was then eaten by the wolves of that country, leaving nothing behind but the jasper pendant.

Gently, the witch slowed her song to a mournful tune, her wizard slowing to match her. When the song finally ended, the harp disappeared along with the violin to some place that is not known to man. The wizard moved toward the witch, his hand sliding under her cloak so that it was pushed aside. And there, where her ribs should have been was nothing but emptiness. He grazed her face with one of his hands, as gently and tenderly as any lover, and watched as her soul passed from her decaying body and into the sky.

Gackt (dA)

Fri Dec 12, 2008, 1:11 AM

* Mood: Winter Downs
* Listening to: Pretty Little Angel - IAMX
* Reading: Sakuya's IM
* Eating: Ramen :D
* Drinking: Strawberry Kool-Aid

Rules of the game:

- Choose a singer/band/group
- Answer using ONLY titles of songs by that singer/band/group
- Tag 6 more people (let them know they've been tagged)

I choose Gackt

1. Are you male or female?
Maria

2. Describe yourself.
Vanilla

3. What do people feel when they're around you?
Mirror

4. How would you describe your previous relationship?
Mizerable

5. Describe your current relationship.
Love Letter

6. Where would you want to be now?
Black Stone

7. How do you feel about love?
Rebirth

8. What's your life like?
Oasis

9. What would you ask for if you had only one wish?
Secret Garden

10. Say something wise.
Jesus

New Works... (dA)

Thu Dec 11, 2008, 4:54 PM

* Mood: Stuck
* Listening to: Hanging on too long - Duffy
* Reading: A bunch of different classics
* Eating: Ramen :D
* Drinking: Mt. Dew

Okay, this is just so that everyone can look forward to later on this evening. I'm going to be posting a new piece I wrote today... Hopefully 2. :D If you are lucky.

I wrote a fairy tale today called "The Witch's Harp" and I can't wait to post it so you can all read it, before I have to disappear for a while. :D

I'm working on a piece of poetry called "The Viper's Flute", and I don't know how it is all going to work out, but I think it will be good once I finish. Beware that "The Witch's Harp" is going to need some editing, so please be gentle when critiquing. I appreciate it, but I don't want to be completely destroyed!!

love you all. :hug: to everyone

Sarai

I’m Coming

RULES..:
1. Put Your iTunes, Windows Media Player, ETC on Shuffle.


2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.


3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTE..R HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.


4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.


5. Put this on your blog.


1. If someone says, "Is this okay?" You say?
The Walk - Imogen Heap
[Yeah, I'd say some of the lines in there I would definitely use in response to "Is this okay"]


2. How would you describe yourself?
Misery - hide matsumoto
[HA HA!! That is so true right now!!]


3. What do you like in a guy/girl?
Nine Spiral - Gackt
[Not a good way to start a relationship... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrC7hzLHM7w]

4. How do you feel today?
Tokyo Shounen - Nightmare
[Um, I don't even know the translation to that]


5. What is your life's purpose?
Simple Girl - IAMX
[my life's purpose is to be a simple girl]


6. What is your motto?
Moebius no Yuutsu - Nightmare
[Yep, have no idea again. I just love the song]


7. What do your friends think of you?
Onepa - Vitas
[HA HA HA!!]


8. What do you think of your parents?
Let it Rock - Kevin Rudolf; w/Lil' Wayne
[Well with my mom, definitely we should rock.]


9. What do you think about very often?
Come what May - Ewan McGregor; Nicole Kidman
[I do think about what comes next a lot...]


10. What is 2 + 2?
Unison - Celine Dion
[Yes, 2 + 2 = Unison]


11. What do you think of your best friend(s)?
Death Wish - Gackt
[LOL!!]


12. What do you think of the person you like?
12gatsu No love song - Gackt
[We don't need love songs]


13. What is your life story?
Crush - David Archuleta
[Yeah, that pretty much describes my life]


14. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Cold - Crossfade
[no comment]


15. What do you think of when you see the person you like?
Man Up - Omarion; Bi Rain
[*giggles*]


16. What will you dance to at your wedding?
REGRET - The GazettE
[once again, no comment]


17. What will they play at your funeral?
I.V. - X-Japan
[Well, that would be awesome, but not an appropriate funeral song]


18. What is your hobby/interest?
Pretty Little Angel - IAMX
[*shrug*]


19. What is your biggest fear?
Break Anotha - Blake Lewis
[Actually, that is a big fear]


20. What is your biggest secret?
Neo Visualism - Miyavi
[Yes, that is my secret]


21. What do you think of your friends?
Leavin' - Jesse McCartney
[They all leave eventually]


22. What will you post this as?
I'm Coming - Bi Rain

Friday is the Day... (dA)

Wed Dec 10, 2008, 9:01 PM

* Mood: Questionable
* Listening to: Circus - Britney Spears
* Drinking: Strawberry Kool-Aid

Yes people, Friday is the day that I'm leaving you all for awhile. *sigh*

Mom is doing better, she has been cleared to go back to work tomorrow. Which is good bc we have NO money. At all. Which is shitty, but that's what happens when you can't find a job and your mother gets sick and can't work. Or gets head lice and can't work.

I feel like giving up on the whole damn thing, but know that I can't. It would be stupid to give up at this point in the game. Some days I feel like I've been thrown into a blender. Other days I feel pretty good.

Another bout... (dA)

Wed Dec 10, 2008, 11:01 AM

* Mood: Grouchy
* Listening to: The End of the World - Satoko Ishimine
* Drinking: Strawberry Kool-Aid

Mom has lice.

Untouched (the poem)

The walls are broken, the stairs are misshapen.
The windows flood with broken bits of light.
The shadows fall down, their blood is binding,
captive inside barren rooms.

She creeps down the halls, faded portraits and
withered flowers grace the crumbling wallpaper.
She barely breathes, afraid that breathing might
destroy what is left of this facade.

The dimming lights from forgotten lampposts
glitter in her dreamless dreams. She can't
speak, breathing cerise in an ivory womb.
Faint lines speak of what lies underneath her.

Her confliction takes on flesh, it grows limbs.
It gains heft and vigor, it seems to live as
she has lived. A fire cackles, like a burning
witch's last farewell, a spark of being.

The roof is crestfallen, the doors crucified to
their posts. The hall is filling with water,
the rooms echo with the sound of drowning
shadows and ethereal cries for help.

She remains untouched, dancing within the
brackish guilt that floods the rafters of her
reality. The cadence of each step, aching and
yearning for release from her magical chains.

Accidentally Lied...

Mom says she is going to turn off the cable and the internet on Friday, because she gets paid then and can pay for last month's usage. And she is NOT going to get rid of the phone because she realized that we really need it.

Oh and did I mention that I got lice? No? Well I did. Shortly after I posted yesterday's blog, I was sitting with Donnie on my bed and I saw a bug crawling on his shirt where I had just being laying my head. It was a louse. I freaked.

He says it could be a different bug, one that just looks like a louse. He checks my hair and says that he doesn't see a damn thing. I scratch my head a moment later and get one under my fingernail. I start screaming and crying and going into hysterics. (It is probably good to note at this time that I've discovered that I'm parasitophobic)

So, to try and calm me, my mom checked me too. She didn't see anything. Donnie checked me again. Nothing. But I was still freaking out, so we dyed my hair Burgundy. After my shower to rinse my hair I found a dead one. I gave it to Donnie to show that I wasn't going insane and he showed it to my mom. So it was official, I had lice.

Then this morning mom found more lice in the sink and on my hairbrush. So I need to re-dye my roots again (because they didn't hold anyway) and see if that helps. *sigh* When does it all end?!

Okay, not so fairwell for now... (dA)

Journal Entry: Mon Dec 8, 2008, 3:05 PM

* Mood: Tense
* Listening to: Wall to Wall - Chris Brown
* Eating: Ramen
* Drinking: Strawberry Kool-Aid

Bleh,
Mom says she is going to turn off the cable and the internet on Friday, because she gets paid then and can pay for last month's usage.

Oh and did I mention that I got lice? No? Yes. Shortly after I posted yesterday's journal, I was sitting with my boyfriend and I saw a bug crawling on his shirt where I had just being laying my head. It was a louse. I freaked.

He says it could be a different bug, one that just looks like a louse. He checks my hair and says that he doesn't see a damn thing. I scratch my head a moment later and get one under my fingernail. I start screaming and crying and going into hysterics. (It is probably good to note at this time that I've discovered that I'm parasitophobic)

So, to try and calm me, my mom checked me too. She didn't see anything. Donnie checked me again. Nothing. But I was still freaking out, so we dyed my hair Burgundy. After my shower to rinse my hair I found a dead one. I gave it to Donnie to show that I wasn't going insane and he showed it to my mom. So it was official, I had lice.

Then this morning mom found more lice in the sink and on my hairbrush. So I need to re-dye my roots again (because they didn't hold anyway) and see if that helps. *sigh* When does it all end?!

Fairwell for Now... (dA)

Journal Entry: Sun Dec 7, 2008, 7:33 PM

* Mood: Frustrated
* Listening to: Same Old Lang Syne - Dan Fogelberg
* Eating: Ramen as per usual... Do I ever eat anything else?
* Drinking: Lemon Iced Tea

Hey everyone,
this is a note to say that I'm going to be losing my internet connection, my cable connection and my phone connection until further notice. I'll still be on every now and again, but for now this is all you get.
I hope to have an inbox full of deviations and messages when I am next able to check this. Love to you all.

Love,
Sarai

LEAVING YOU ALL!!!

Okay here is the deal:
Things have gotten too expensive with the cable, the telephone and the internet. Therefore as of tonight we will no longer have any of those things. You will not be able to contact me for awhile except through my mother's cell phone which only has so many minutes.

Love you all, write when I can.
love,
Sarai

Not a Fairy Tale (dA)

Journal Entry: Thu Dec 4, 2008, 2:47 PM

* Mood: Frustrated
* Listening to: Dispar - Gackt
* Drinking: Soda!! YAY!

Okay, I started working on a fairy tale yesterday, one in a similar format to "The Bald Frog", but my writer's block kicked my ass.

So now I'm sitting here favoriting everybody and trying to get back to my ideas.

I still haven't finished that poem about Izanami either.

And I just feel really REALLY blocked!! It fucking sucks!! I hate feeling plugged up.

I hate not being able to write and I hate this horrible head itch that I have going on, on top of everything else!! *screams*

So, how are you?

Oklahoma: The Final Decision

I want to start this off by thanking everyone who reads my blogs. I never knew I had so much support until I noticed my Week Views count last week, which spiked to 55 views. I have NEVER had that many views in a week. Thank you all very much.

I am NOT moving back to Oklahoma at this time. And yes, this is the official announcement of my decision.

My reasons for this are the following (I am not going to list ALL of my reasons, but if you would like the full list you may ask me for it):
1. Mom needs me. Her job is not paying enough and she needs me since Shallis (a roommate for a while) was a bitch and moved out. I am STILL looking for a job and probably will work with her to bring in some kind of money.
2. I don't like the idea of trying to find a job in Shawnee without having my GED or my license. Both of which I'm most likely going to be getting here. (As part of my mom's agreement with Wes, he HAS TO pay for my Driver's Ed)
3. I'm not quite ready to end my relationship with Donnie, and he isn't ready to move to Oklahoma.
4. I don't want to come back to Oklahoma empty handed like I did when I first got there. It isn't right to do that to my roommates.
5. I'm really confused as to what it is I want right now. I know that I want to live in Oklahoma and I know that I love Donnie and I know that I want a better life than what my roomies and I have right now.

Brown Eyed Girl

Pomme is the latest person to dream about me with J-Rockers. In this particular dream she said that Gackt was going on and on about how he was in love with me because of my "beautiful big brown eyes". Which made me blush like crazy, because, even in a dream, that is a big compliment. I am proud to be a brown eyed girl because Gackt loves my eyes. LOL!!

No new updates. Been trying to write and still have horrible writer's block.

:D

Staying... (dA)

Journal Entry: Mon Dec 1, 2008, 2:31 PM

* Mood: Distracted
* Listening to: DBSK
* Reading: Paradise Lost by John Milton
* Watching: Prince Caspian (BBC America Version)
* Playing: the "Maintain Balance" game
* Eating: Shredded Wheat
* Drinking: Soda

I didn't know how to go about doing this, but decided it would be best to write a journal here and avoid my MySpace for a few moments...

I'm not moving back to Oklahoma for the time being. In fact, I am going to be going and getting my stuff and moving it back here to Indiana. My roomie is going to be pissed, but I needed to make this decision and I did.

I have realized a few things recently about life... It is a tilt-a-whirl and my balance is shaky. But I need to do what I feel is best for myself in this situation. I don't want to go back to Oklahoma for the time being. I want to explore this relationship I have with the wonderful boyfriend before I decide that it is ending.

I don't want to go back partially because of what is going on there, partially because I feel trapped there and partially because I really do care about the boyfriend and am not ready to relinquish the relationship (as we are both opposed to long distance relationships, ours would end if and when I moved back to Oklahoma).

Oh well, new poem for anyone who cares. I'm off to shower...

Fucked Up

Baby, quit fucking with my mind.
You cling to me, saying softly, "mine".
Then you say you don't want me to
just stay for your sake. What about
staying for my own?

Stop holding me so tightly, then
telling me to go! Make up your mind,
do you want me to stay or do you want
me to go?

You say its getting serious, too fast
for your tastes. We are moving to
quickly in your opinions. Do mine even
matter in this instance?

If you don't want to be serious why
did you open the doors? Why did you
pry at my heart's icy chains? If you don't
want this to last forever why play games?

Baby quit fucking with my heart, I'm
not a doll, I have feelings too. Yours are
buried, but mine aren't. So speak,
talk in straight sentences, succinctly and
politely.

I have given you everything I
have to give. Everything I held dear,
everything I was saving up. You say
thank you, then turn away, what
does that mean?!

I'm confused, but I love you so I'll stay.
Not for you, but for my own sake.
I can't leave you behind, not like you
can leave me. I can't forget those arms
that held me, whispering "mine".

The Bald Frog

One day there was a very bald frog who decided to buy a wig. He went to the first wig seller in the town and said, in a puffy frog voice,

"Good sir, I'm in search of a wig. Where should I go to find one?"

The wig seller told him of a pretty young maiden who played by a pond, she made wigs for anyone. So the bald frog went to the fair maiden for a wig.

"Fair maid," he said. "Will you make me a wig?"

"Yes, kind frog," she replied. "Only if you will do me a kindness."

She then asked him to find a pearl ring which she had lost somewhere in the never-ending wheat fields, their amber flooding the countryside of that kingdom.

So the frog went to find this ring. He searched and searched and searched again. But he could not find the ring. So he called upon a field mouse, a raven and a scarecrow to help him.

The field mouse found him a diamond necklace, lost by a princess of Russia.

The raven found a jade fan forgotten by a princess of Asia.

Finally, the Scarecrow found the pearl ring belonging to the maiden who made the wigs.

Upon asking for the ring, the scarecrow replied, "Ah dear frog, you must return this favor I have done for you. Introduce me to this maiden who makes wigs and I will give you the ring."

Seeing that he had no choice the frog took the scarecrow and introduced him to the maiden. Upon first sight the scarecrow fell in love with her. They kissed and the scarecrow was transformed into a handsome prince, one who had been enchanted for seven years.

So thankful were the two that they bestowed as many wigs as the frog could carry.

The end.

Sarai IS going to be okay...

first off, i want to thank everyone who posted a comment on my last blog. I appreciate the support.

I am not trying to be a bitch. I do know that I absolutely HATE this whole situation and that I am tired of all the shit.

I do understand my mom's reasons. I think I came across as being really bitchy about her decision. I know that I said I "almost" hated her. I don't hate her. No where near, but I was pissed about a bunch of things and that just added to the sorrow/pissyness. I miss my little sister, but part of it was that Hannah wanted to live with her father. And if that's what Hannah wants, then she should have that. I hope she will eventually change her mind. But my mom DID make the right decision.

Moving On. I spent the day with my lovely boyfriend and his family and my brother. It was good. I have blisters because I wore heels with the outfit that Donnie picked out. It was really nice and I love his grandmother and his sister. They are awesome! The rest of his family is pretty cool too, but those two are my favs. *giggles*

How was everyone else's thanksgiving?!

Losing Hannah: The Final Chapter

My mother gave up custody of Hannah to Wes today.

I don't want to hear about having faith, I don't want to hear about how everything will work out, I don't want to hear any of the bullshit I know you are all going to tell me. Because I don't think I can stand it right now. I think if anyone sends me one note saying how they are sorry I will burst into tears or fly off the handle.

I feel like my heart got ripped out and then thrown into a meat grinder. I feel like everything is falling apart. I feel almost like nothing is worth living for. Don't worry, I won't do anything stupid. But I just need some time.

This is fucking ridiculous, all of it is. And its bullshit that we all have to go through this. I don't understand why my step-father has to be such a fucking bastard that he would rip us apart. Why is he destroying us like this? Why is he being like this?! What the fuck did we ever do to him? What did we do to deserve all this?

I hate him.
I hate God.
And right now I almost hate my mother.

We Lost (dA)

Journal Entry: Tue Nov 25, 2008, 9:34 PM

• Mood: Tearful

My mother gave up custody of my sister to her father.

I feel like my heart just got ripped out of my chest and sent through a meat grinder.

Izanami (dA)

Journal Entry: Thu Nov 20, 2008, 11:10 PM

• Mood: Lonely
• Listening to: It's Over - Jesse McCartney
• Reading: Dracula - Bram Stoker
• Watching: Life go down the proverbial drain
• Playing: the "I hate Him" game
• Eating: Ramen as per usual... Do I ever eat anything else?
• Drinking: raspberry ice

So, I have been thinking about writing a poem and for once I did some research on it. Well more research than just randomly searching my mind. I decided to title it "Izanami" after the Japanese Goddess. I took a very different take on her than I think most people do.

But I keep feeling like it is crap and I hate posting things here unless I actually like the piece. If I didn't like it I wouldn't post it. So, I don't quite know what to do yet.

I am hoping for some better days to come along. Its been a tough year and I'm wishing for it to be over and for a better year to arrive. Though, I think my wishing isn't working. Next year holds no promise for me except that I'll be legal to drink.

A suggestion to everyone, listen to the song "Untouched" by the Veronicas. It is beautiful and has a great sound to it. I loves it *huggles the song*

I feel rather untouched right now... and rather lonesome and random. Eh, life goes on. Back to the drawing board on the poem...

Untouched...

I don't know what is wrong with me these days. i am just so fucking depressed all the fucking time. Its getting really frustrated.

I should be happy, I get to spend time with my friend Sara, and on Saturday I get to see my boyfriend, plus get paid for my part-time work I've been doing. I should be happy that I have a mom who loves me, I should be happy that I have a roof over my head, because I know people who don't.

I should stop being a selfish bitch and get over myself. I'm not trying to be depressing, but I just can't shake this. I can't stop feeling this way, even though I try like nothing else to get over it.

Untouched by the Veronicas

The Final Installation of the Olympics (FINALLY!)

Due to technical difficulties in the past two weeks (our wires were eaten by rabid porcupines and the newscasters caught Mermaid Disease) we have been unable to report the final events in the Sex Olympics. So, a little late, here is what happened in the final week of the Sex Olympics

Sarai was side-lined after an encounter with Kyo of Dir en Grey. She was forced to sit out the rest of the games due to her injuries. She was given a gold medal for her efforts and sent home with the consolation prize: Pata (aka: Mr. Sparkly Pants).

The Virgin Pomegranate won the most medals this round including:
- The Gold Medal for Vocals with Kei from Sadie
- The Gold Medal for her performance with Jui from ViDoll
- The Gold Medal for most unique position with Reita of the GazettE
- The Gold Medal for Stamina with Hiroto of Alice Nine
- The Silver Medal for Best Kiss with Nao of Alice Nine
and...
- The Gold Medal for Best Time with Ruki of the GazettE

And the Gold Medal for Best Kiss went to Fawn with Heath of X-Japan. The Winner, over-all, was Pomegranate with the most medals. She wins one day and one night with Gackt on a remote island. Fawn won a trip to the states to visit Yoshiki as her consolation Prize.

I hate this part

I don't quite know how to explain my feelings to anyone, maybe that's because I can't even explain my feelings to myself. I don't know what happened to me. It was never part of the plan to fall in love with someone here. I knew that I couldn't do that because it would mean losing that person when I went back to Oklahoma.

I hate being here. I hate feeling trapped in this spiraling abyss, I hate feeling like everything around me is caving in and burying me. I feel claustrophobic and diseased half the time. I feel like everything is tearing apart at the seams and there is nothing I can do because I have the wrong needles for the fabric and the wrong color thread to boot.

Everything was great at the beginning. I was excited because I was preparing to be a godmother and then I was going back to Oklahoma, going back home. And then I started going out with this amazing guy. We have so much in common, want a lot of the same things, but we are very different at the same time. And somewhere along the way, I fell in love with that amazing guy. I don't know why or how it happened like that, but it did.

But you know what? It was kind of stupid to fall in love with him, kind of ridiculous all things considered. It is wrong of me to want him to move to Oklahoma with me. He may love me, which I believe he does, but that doesn't mean that I should expect him to give everything up for me. Even though I would give everything up for him. Sometimes it doesn't work like that.

His relationship with his family is better than mine. I love my mom, my sister and my brother (and a few others of my family), but they are the only ones who live in Indiana and therefore I don't mind leaving them. I know that they will be okay and I know that I can't live with them. Oklahoma is in my cards, in my stars and apparently a big piece of my fate as it were. I worked harder than anything to get there the first time around. Now what?

If I leave Indiana without him, then I no longer have a boyfriend. Though I know we would end it on friendly terms, I don't want to be just his friend. I want to be the girl he loves more than anything, I want to be HIS. I guess the part that hurts the most about that is that he won't wait for me. Because we will no longer be boyfriend and girlfriend, he will move on with new relationships and I'll be waiting for the time that he can be mine again.

He said at some point that he didn't want to go because of Arlin. So I told Fawn that I couldn't come back unless Arlin was gone. And lets face it, Arlin needed to leave anyway. Arlin is leaving, but he still doesn't want to go. Because he isn't ready to leave his family, he's not ready to leave home. I know it makes him feel vulnerable and uncomfortable, but I have been vulnerable for him.

Now, I'm really making him sound like a jerk. I'm not meaning to, because he isn't. He is the most wonderful to ever happen to me, boyfriend wise...

I can't really love him though, because I don't even love myself. I can't love anyone if I can't even love myself. And right now I hate myself. I hate all of this, I hate being so broken and un-fixable. I told myself not to fall for anyone, to just spend my time here and go home. I told myself that I would just wait for Pata, because that was who Fawn said I could have. I was fine with that. Who doesn't love a man with Sparkly pants?!

Now I'm just trapped in these paranoid moments. I am so afraid of him. He doesn't know that he could destroy me with one sentence. He doesn't realize that I am willing to give up everything to be with him, because I know that I know that I know he is the one that I was meant to be with. I am so self-conscious and weak and stupid, its all so fucking frustrating.

I hate this part by the Pussycat Dolls

3,000 (dA)

Journal Entry: Mon Nov 17, 2008, 4:17 AM

• Mood: Insecure
• Listening to: Wait for You - Elliot Yamin
• Watching: my heart break
• Drinking: strawberry milk

I have hit 3,000 pageviews!! I am so excited!!

Well we've come through the lice bit fairly well... Hannah has been deloused. Then Donnie got it, so we took immediate action with him. I'm going to dye my hair as to prevent any lice from coming to me... I refuse to have those visitors. *shivers*

Nothing much going on... I have no new poetry or anything for you all to see, I apologize. My muse has been taking a very long vacation. And plus, I'm distracted by all the shit going on to even think to write.

So now I'm just listening to music trying to ignore the breaking sound in my chest...

Delousing... (dA)

Journal Entry: Sat Nov 15, 2008, 10:41 PM

• Mood: Frustrated
• Listening to: Beautiful Tragedy - IN THIS MOMENT
• Reading: The Inferno by Dante Aligheri
• Watching: The skies...
• Playing: music
• Eating: ramen
• Drinking: raspberry ice

Hannah is now no longer contagious. Donnie caught it from her last night though, so we had to delouse him too. As a preventative measure i doused my head in oil, left it on for a while and then rinsed... Hoping it works... May shave my head if I get lice, though Donnie doesn't like that idea. I FUCKING HATE LICE!!

Lice (aka: When it rains it fucking pours) (dA)

Journal Entry: Sat Nov 15, 2008, 3:32 AM

• Mood: Fear
• Listening to: Mirotic - DBSK
• Reading: The Inferno by Dante Aligheri
• Watching: my hair
• Playing: music
• Eating: ramen
• Drinking: raspberry ice

So, My sister has Lice. And guess what? She brought it here!! So now we all get to scrub the house and scrub ourselves. the joys of this begin.

Surprisingly i've never had lice... and am not looking forward to possibly having it now...

Lice (aka: When it rains it fucking pours)

So if everyone could pray it would be lovely.

Hannah has lice. So I've poured olive oil all over her scalp and rubbed it in and put plastic on it and now we get to wait for an hour. Poor thing is freaking out.

Not only that, but Donnie and I are going to have to do the same thing, because we spent the entire day playing with and cuddling with Hannah. I have NEVER had lice!! I have spent the past 20 years NOT having lice. And now I may get it. Damn Head lice... *cries*

So just pray that everything works out.

More Time... (dA)

Journal Entry: Fri Nov 14, 2008, 12:57 AM

• Mood: Unhappy
• Listening to: Crush - David Archuleta
• Reading: The Inferno by Dante Aligheri
• Watching: my life fall apart
• Playing: music
• Eating: ramen
• Drinking: water

Okay, so besides the whole computer thing, I just wanted to clarify that I had some other things going on... and will have for God only knows, the rest of my life maybe?

On Saturday one of my best friends (I've known/loved this girl for 10 years) got married. It was totally RANDOM. She calls me on Thursday and says "I'm getting married, want to be there?" It was a beautiful wedding and I managed NOT to cry during the ceremony, though I guarantee you I bawled like a baby later that night. Still trying to figure out why I cried so much over it.

Anyway, continued drama with my mother and the step-bastard. This year is going to be really tough on my mother. Especially the holiday season. Its her first Thanksgiving without him since they got married in 1993. Also, not to mention that Thanksgiving has never been a good holiday for us.

Another thing is that the day before Thanksgiving 1998 my mom found out that the baby she was carrying at the time had died. The day after Thanksgiving 1998 her body tried to flush the baby and it got stuck in her cervix and caused her to almost bleed to death on our bathroom floor. This resulted in two weeks of separation from Hannah (my baby sister) and getting forced into public school after having been home-schooled.

This is obviously the tenth anniversary of all that and this particular episode in our past seems to be not necessarily haunting my mom, but it is definitely weighing on her.

Then there is December 1st which is the final divorce hearing. Which means that we finally figure out if he gets Hannah or if we do.

I realized that if we lose Hannah that I don't want to have anything to do with a God anymore. Because if He exists and allows that bastard to have my sister, then He is a sadistic Bastard himself. I don't want to believe in anything that would put all of us through the hell we've been suffering for the past 7 months. Its ridiculous and it hurts and I am ready to be done with it.

I guess Prayer is in order, but its hard to pray these days...

Just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual Translyvannia

"Don't get strung out
by the way I look.
Don't judge a book
by it's cover.
I'm not much of a man
by the light of day,
but by night I'm one
Hell of a lover." Tim Curry as Dr. Frank N. Furter in "The Rocky Horror Picture Show".

Hello Subscribers!! It has been a LONG time since I've been able to blog. My computer has had several viruses and I lost my connnection to the internet. On Wednesday, Donnie is supposed to be coming over and has said that he will help me fix the problem. I know that those of you who were enjoying the Sex Olympics (meaning Pomegranate, as I believe she is the only one who was enjoying the games) have been eagerly awaiting the final update. Good News, I'll hopefully have that up by this weekend.

So much has been happening in the past few days since I last blogged, so please bear with me as I try to convey all of it to you.

First off (to explain the above quote) I ahve been introduced to "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" and have fallen madly and passionately in love with it. Tim Curry i s AMAZING and he looked FANTASTIC! Anyone who doesn't like that movie hasn't watched it. It will change your life!!

Second of all, as many of you know already, Barack Obama won the position of President Elect as the 44th President of the United States by a LANDSLIDE margin. I love it. I am SO excited because ladies and gents, we are witnesses to History. It is being made before our eyes and these are things we can share with the future generations. We can all say "I was there when the first Black President was elected", just like our grandparents can say they witnessed the world changing from white to black AND white. Like our parents can say that they witnessed the Lunar Landing. I mean, this is BIG! I am so proud to be a part of this moment in history. As should everyone else, no matter what you believe or how you voted or whether you are a part of this country at all.

Now, just for everyone's benefit, I'm going to explain WHY I voted for Obama. Over the weekend I was accused of voting for him solely because he is Black. Which is most definitely NOT the case. I had logical reasons behind my decision.

1. I watched the debates. Did anyone besides me notice that every time McCain was asked a question on how he was going to do something he always referred to Obama? He would attack him and blabber on about something completly off base and had nothing to do with the question at all. You know why? Because McCain is just like George W. Bush. He wasn't going to change a DAMN THING! And it was really obvious that he wasn't going to change anything, because he never spoke on what he was going to do to change them. He just threw mud at every turn. Obama on the other hand had answers as to what he was going to do, what he was going to try and change.
2. I hate Sarah Palin. (Okay, so that isn't the most logical reasoning, but I still use it anyway. I hate her.)
3. The only thing that I disagree with Obama on is Abortion. But I understand where he is coming from. He is on the side that says that women have the right to do what they want with their bodies. Even though the child is NOT a part of the woman's body (it has it's own separate DNA and therefore is a separate being). But think about this: What about a woman who is raped? It almost seems like we are punishing her for something she had nothing to do with. Granted it isn't right to punish the child either, but I understand her reasonings. Especially if she was raped by a family member or she is 12 years old. I know that it takes a strong person to carry a child conceived through rape to term. And therefore I'm not going to bitchy if she does it.
4. I don't believe this bullshit that Obama is Muslim. Absolute BULLSHIT! The man's father and paternal grandparents were Muslim, but that doesn't make him one. And, even if he was Muslim, that doesn't mean that he is part of Jihad, because Jihadists are RADICAL Muslims. Just like every Christian ISN'T blowing up an abortion clinic, not every Muslim is wagin war on America. My father is a druggie/rapist, that doesn't make me a druggie or a rapist. My father's father was an abusive alcoholic, that doesn't make me that either. I am not my parents, I am me. Same goes for Obama.

I had a moment at the library computer last week to do a quick check of my e-mail and I was very saddened by a bulletin my beautiful PSM wrote. I couldn't believe my eyes. I know you are reading this right now dear, I love you anyway, but I felt like what you said was completely uncalled for and racist beyond belief. I don't want to argue about it or anything like that, I just wanted to tell you that it hurt my feelings that you would say things like that. I do understand that you are entitled to your own opinions, as is everyone else, which is why I am only saying that it hurt my feelings.

Moving on. My third thing that has happened is my Bestest Best Friend, Sarah Jo, got married on Saturday (Nov. 8th) to her (now) husband, Brian. I am SO happy for her and still in shock that it happened. It was all quite random. I knew that she was in love with him and that they wanted to get married, but I wasn't expectin gthe phone call that said "Hey, we are getting married. Do you want to be there?" I hope to have pictures of the wedding up soon!!

No real updates as far as the custody battle over Hannah. We got to spend the weekend with her this past weekend and I showed her part of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". She says Tim Curry looks like a prostitute, but I think he looks fabulous. Anyway, she seemed like her old self. She wasn't withdrawn or upset, in fact she seemed quite happy to be spending time with us. Though she was disappointed that Donnie wasn't there. I love the fact that my family loves him We only had 2 issues with this weekend. That would be:
1. I woke up to Hannah crying in her sleep. When I asked her why she was crying she said, "I don't know". It upset me because that can't be good that a little girl is crying in her sleep in the middle of the night.
2. We took Hannah home and were even 5 minutes early getting her there, but her father wasn't there. His roommate, Barry (whom I have shown massive amounts of distaste for), was there. Mom said that she wasn't going to drop Hannah off with Barry. We had Hannah call her father and he said he was on his way hom. He didn't get there for 20 minutes. We sat in the car, in the cold, for 20 freaking minutes. Then when we get out Wes gets all pissy, "Why didn't you take Hannah inside?" and Mom said she didn't want to leave her alone with Barry. He starts saying Mom's crazy. And, for the first time in a LONG time, I spoke up. I said "The rules say that she is to be dropped off with her parental guardian, not her parental guardian's roommate. You are her parental guardian and Barry isn't." After that he shut up.

The whole situation pisses me off and I really just wish it was over and done with. I just want us all to be a family (Wes excluded). I want Hannah to be with us, because I miss hanging out with my crazy, wild and funny sister. I miss having someone to exercise with and drool over Johnny Depp with. Sure, we don't like all the same things, but its nice having her around. And I miss that.

Now, my last update is I wrote a new poem! It is called "Murder of an Angel" (I'll probably change the title at some point) and it took me a while, but I figured out what it means to me. Now, you, the reader, have to decide what it means to you. I'm going to go ahead and post it here, even though this blog is long. Enjoy and I'll write more later!!

Murder of an Angel
The blade slid across her skin, a weeping crimson
mouth yawning against ivory petals. Falling to the floor,
the soft parting of flesh from bone, heart from soul and
body from mind. Into the moon drenched night screams
dissipate, silence never seemed so beautifully broken by
that voice.

Parted, self from self, divided by the voices inside.
The voices that mutilate and destroy, breaking the
halves into quarters and the quarteres into tiny masked
moments of time. Masquerading in these satin sheets,
the tiniest pearls building like the tears to the flower.
Bathe in the blood, black butterflies flitter by,
collapsing to the ground, sacrificed in the devil's
name.

Skulls trip down the stairs, blanched by the sun's
cruelest kiss. The moon, a pale ivory disc, dances along
her glittering path. Sensual wisps of perfume fade into
the emptiness, that weeping mouth fading against the
essence of time. Her elbows jut out in awkward
positions, steel scrapes bone, the subtle depth
of the soul, shattered by man's tools.

Crossed swords, starlit voids and death shoulders the
burden. Evisceration lies in the wake, the waves
receding from the beaten shores. Lucifer hangs upon
a jasper crucifix, a fiery crown adorns his wicked
head. His followers stand about him, string ebony
pearls along the path of devastation. Crucified in sins
to shameful to name, wallowing in the mire that is.

Stand broken in Hell, the scars of forgotten skin and
soulless eyes stark against the landscape.

Out of breath and out of time... (dA)

Journal Entry: Tue Nov 11, 2008, 12:47 PM

• Mood: Overwhelmed
• Listening to: The GazettE
• Reading: The Inferno by Dante Aligheri
• Watching: The Rocky Horror Picture Show
• Playing: Avernum 2
• Eating: ramen
• Drinking: water

hey everyone!! Sorry that I've been MIA the past 2 weeks. My computer decided to catch a virus or 214 and so yes.... You can imagine the hell i'm going through with that. Thank you everyone for the comments that you leave me!!! I have a new poem to post here and then I have to get back to work. The boyfriend is going to help me get my computer up and running again on wednesday, so never fear I will get to commenting/favoriting your wonderful deviations!!

love Sarai

The Second Update for the Olympics!!

Hello One and All!!! This is the second week of Updates for the Sex Olympics!!!
I know that you all have been on the edges of your seats, eager to find out more from our field reporter. I am afraid however that our reporter was attacked by an angry trans-gender badger on crack and is in the hospital... He was able to give us a partial update right before the attack, but that was caught on fire by the crack smoking badger... So, I'll give you what I have:

Sarai seems to have caught up enough to have qualified for the last round of the games (which will air on Nov. 1st). She won three medals this round including:
-The Silver Medal for Perfect Performance with Mickey from DBSK
-The Gold Medal for Vocals with Bi Rain
and...
-The Bronze Medal for Most Creative Positions with Attack from the TRAX

The Virgin Pomegranate trails behind The Champion Fawn by ONE Gold Medal.
She won:
-The Gold Medal for Perfect Performance with Hero of DBSK
-The Gold Medal for Technique with Xiah of DBSK
-The Gold Medal for Precision with All of DBSK
and...
-The Silver Medal for Most Creative Positions with Typhoon from the TRAX

The Fawn has the following medals for this past week:
-The Gold Medal for Most Creative Positions with Rose formerly of the TRAX
-The Gold Medal for Form with Se7en
-The Gold Medal for Duration with Typhoon from the TRAX
and...
-The Gold Medal for Perfection in all Categories with all the members of DBSK

Next week will be the final update for the Sex Olympics. We will declare the winner based upon the most medals one in the three weeks of work.
Stay tuned!!

Last Song

*disclaimer*
I don't know how accurate the below lyrical translation is. I hope it is right.

Translation

Walking around aimlessly by myself

Breathing a faint sigh, my breath turns white

Seasons change, and in this fleeting season..

My tears fall for no reason

"Even now, I still love you

Falling sadness transforms into pure white snow

I'm always looking at the sky above me

Before this body disappears, I want to reach the wish I have now

Once more, I want to hold you

How many times have we not understood and hurt eachother

But even at those times, we were still gentle

Engraved on the ring that you suddenly gave back to me

..Was our promise that will never come true

"Even now, I remember..

These far off thoughts are just brilliant flashes in my memory

I wanted to be next to you

Even though I can't see you anymore, I'll always be next to you

I never want you to change



I can't erase those last tears that you showed me [from my memory]



In your heart, if I disappear along with all these snowflakes

I want to bloom [in your heart once again]

Don't forget the warmth of us being close together, and hugging

Don't forget even if you love someone else

I'll never let go [of the memory] of when I heard your voice last and so

..I just want to fall into a deep sleep

Continuously falling sadness transforms into pure white snow

I'm always looking at the sky above me

Before this body disappears, I want to reach the wish I have now

I want to hold you once more

"I want to hold you once more"

Sick of the Drama (dA)

Journal Entry: Thu Oct 23, 2008, 10:07 AM

• Mood: Rant
• Listening to: This will make you love Again - IAMX
• Reading: the bullshit she wrote about this fucked up thing
• Watching: Johnny Depp
• Playing: IAMX
• Eating: Ramen
• Drinking: lemonade

I don't want to post this to my MySpace blog because the person will read it. Maybe I should post it there so that they will .

I am sick of people who continuously victimize themselves. They refuse to seek any type of help or counseling for what has happened to them and keep the wound fresh by peeling back the mental scabs. If you are refusing to heal, then I am done listening to you talk. I have listened to your problems and given you solutions. If you don't want the solutions then there is nothing else I can do for you.

I understand that everyone goes through an attention seeking phase. I went through it too. But doesn't anyone else but me get tired of the way they behave during that period in time? I was so sick of myself during that time that I stopped myself from acting like that. It is a conscious decision to change and YOU need to make it.

I am sorry that shitty things happened to you. Shitty things happen to everyone. I have had bad things happen to me (ask anyone on DeviantArt who watches me or ask any of my friends on MySpace.). I've been through hell too, but you don't see me threatening to kill myself every five minutes or continuously saying "I Give Up". You can't give up every time something bad happens. If everyone did that there would be nobody left on earth.

Basically it comes down to this: Stop being pedantic and whiny about your problems. If you don't want to try and get through this, then don't. Frankly, my dear, I no longer give a damn. Do what you like, but leave me out of it. I am tired of your drama over things that aren't that dramatic and refusing to utilize the solutions I give you.

If you aren't going to take any of my advice (which has been proven to work) then don't complain to me about your shit. I've heard it before and I've given you the tools to fix it. Either fix it or shut the fuck up.

I love you, but I am sick of your drama.

All Soul's Night (dA)

Journal Entry: Tue Oct 21, 2008, 10:23 PM

• Mood: Questionable
• Listening to: The Negative Sex - IAMX
• Reading: my own mind!
• Watching: Sarah Palin make an ass of herself...
• Playing: IAMX
• Eating: Ramen as per usual... Do I ever eat anything else?
• Drinking: is bad for your health... *drinks a screwdriver*

So, as many of you know, Halloween is fast approaching. What am I doing you may ask? Well, I'm not doing much. I'm normally very sensitive (if you need an explanation as to what that means write me) and therefore avoid going out on All Hallow's Eve. This year is going to be a little different.

I am going to have a party at my mom's apartment... (yes, I'm still not back in Oklahoma and YES it sucks like hell) Basically everyone who comes is going to bring a bag of candy and a few bucks to help pay for pizza and drinks. We are going to watch scary movies and then go for a midnight (or close to midnight) walk on a forest-y bike trail that is behind the apartment complex. That is it. I'm not going to any graveyards, Halloween is the only day I don't visit the dead. *shakes head*

I am a tad nervous as is, but oh well. I want to have some fun and my friends want me to be social. So SOCIAL it is. *sigh*

Moving on: New short poem. Haven't had much inspiration recently. Besides, have been incredibly distracted by this gorgeous creature I call my boyfriend. Okay, he isn't gorgeous per say, but he is mine so I think he is. And I've been busy applying my ass off at random stores/business trying to find a source of income so that I can do one of two things:
A) Get the hell out of my mom's house
or...
B) Get my ass back to OK.

*sigh* Why is life so hectic?! And why do we need money for everything?! Why can't it be free? Be like this: "Oh, hello Sarai, you are looking lovely today. Would you like a free apartment and you don't have to pay for anything in it or for it?" or "Sarai, would you like free tickets to Japan? There is a lovely little spot waiting for you near Gackt's house and you and your boyfriend can live comfortably for a really long time and never have to pay a dime for anything."

WHY CAN'T IT BE THAT SIMPLE!?

Oh well. Am to tired to be freaking about all this. Welcome to my insanity.

BTW, not to be a shameless plug whore but you should listen to IAMX. HE ROCKS MY FUCKING SOCKS!!! Especially The Negative Sex. Everything I have ever thought about or even dreamt of thinking about he has sung. *sigh* He is Love. Fucking Love. *huggles herself*

okay, seriously, go away! This journal is over. Go do something else now! SHOO!! *throws a shoe at you all*

Sheesh, you'd think they were stalking me the way they keep reading these damn things... I think my language has gotten out of control... *wanders off pondering the meaning of language and sex and religion and all that spins the globe on its hinges*

Thank You’s

I just want to say thank you to all my fantastic friends, because they are Amazing people.

They hold me up when I am at my weakest
They lend me their shoulders when I need to cry
They lend me money when I'm broke
They offer to take me places when I can't get there on my own
They send me messages when I feel lonely
They come over and just sit with me when I'm bored
They call at just the right moments to let me know that they are thinking about me
They offer to kill people for me
They build up my self-esteem
They make me go with them even when I don't feel like it
They make me smile
They give the best hugs and always know when I need one
They are INSANE and CRAZY and they make me giggle-snort
They put up with my Insanity
They embarrass me
They make me strong
They help me up when I've fallen down, after they stop laughing of course
They are some of the most AMAZING people I know and I am so grateful to have you all. Thank you for everything you do, everything you say, every hug, every time you have leant me your shoulders. THANK YOU!!!

Now, today has been most productive!! I am actually having a much better day today then when I posted my last blog. And I appreciate all the comments of encouragement on the last one. I really do appreciate you guys, even if I don't always show it.

Today I have gone out and gotten applications, tomorrow I will turn them in.
I have finished all my paper applications for the following places:
- Aldi's
- Fairfield Inn (This one has already been turned in)
- Jo-Ann Fabrics
- Goodwill
- Homewood Suites
- Movie Gallery
- Barnes & Noble

I have to fill out the following applications online:
- Borders
- CVS
- Sam's Club
- Wal-Mart

And either Tomorrow or Wednesday I am going to pick up applications from the following:
- Hobby Lobby
- Michael's
- Showplace 12 and 11
- And any other place that I might be interested in!

Also, I called up a former employer of mine to see if she would be needing my services again. I used to baby-sit and clean for her. I left her a message with my newest house number so that she can call me back and let me know. Tomorrow I have to work for my Aunt and at the Book Store. Then on my way home from work I will drop off my already finished applications.

Other things I need to accomplish this week include:
- Setting up a doctor's appointment at the Volunteers In Medicine Clinic
- Look for apartments in all the areas that I applied so that I know price ranges and general locations in case I get a job in any of the places I applied
- Get a bus schedule
- Call up my friends about the Halloween Party I'm having on October 31st
- Finish planning the party

If anyone needs me, you all know where to find me. *huggles*

The Blame, let it fall on Me

Lately it seems as if all of the problems existing within this house are resting firmly and unwaveringly upon my burdened shoulders. I don't know what is going to happen with me, but I've had enough of this bullshit. I am tired of feeling like everything is my fault. Even though I know it isn't.

It isn't my fault that my mother's marriage has fallen apart, it isn't my fault that we are losing Hannah, it isn't my fault that I fell in love and it isn't my fault that He is the way he is. I don't want to change him, I'm not going to break up with him and I'm tired of feeling like I have to fix everything!!!

I CAN'T Fix everyone's problems. I can't change anyone's life and I can't even begin to help if they aren't willing to help themselves first. Hell, I can't even fix my own damn problems, what makes me think I can help anyone else?

I'm tired of being judged by everyone and I'm tired of feeling like my mother blames me for some of the shit going on. I may just be overreacting, but she is trying to blame herself for actions that belong to me. Or at least she is saying that Wes is going to blame my actions on her. My actions rest upon my shoulders and mine alone, but they are not to blame for all this bullshit that is going on. I don't want to be blamed for anything anymore. I am tired of crying on his shoulder over this shit. I am tired of feeling worthless and useless and full of guilt for things that have nothing to do with me.

I know, I'm rambling, but I am sick of it.

And I'm worried. I am scared and unsure of what my next move should be. I don't know what to do about Hannah. I am worried that if we lose her that my mother will take her own life. She has hinted at it. And it scares me. The other reasons for my fear shall remain my own for now, only because i don't know how to explain them here. I don't know how to express what is going on here or how to deal with it either.

Monday I am going to put in applications to try and find a job, then I am going to make some doctor's appointments. Then I am going to try and find an apartment for myself and Donnie. I can't live with my mother anymore and I am not quite ready to go back to Oklahoma, so here I am until then.

Re-named!

Yes, its true. My breasts got re-named by my friend, Sakuya, today as did Pomme's. Sakuya decided that our breasts needed re-naming so he re-named them.

Mine were formally Daniel and David and now: French and Revolution.
Pomme's didn't have names but they are now: Ladder and Melon.

That is all.

1st Set of Updates for the OLYMPICS!!!

This is the first week of updates from the annual SEX OLYMPICS!!!

So far we have "The Virgin" Pomegranate in the lead. So far she has won
- The Tora-Whore Award for perfect form in taking the beloved guitarist of Alice Nine
- The Gold for Best Tongue Action for her time with Kai of the GazettE
and...
- The Virgin Medal for her perfection in all categories with Ryo, the drummer of Girugamesh.

She is followed closely by Fawn "The Reigning Champion" who has so far won the
- Best hide-sex medal in her attempts to copy the beloved star.
and...
- The Gold medal for Stamina after taking on the ENTIRE GazettE in ONE day.

And following in last is Sarai, winning the
- Silver medal for Stamina after taking on Girugamesh in one day.
and...
- the Silver medal for Best Tongue Action with Nao of Alice Nine

Sarai seems to not be quite up to snuff this year after her vagina stubbing incident with Kamijo of Versailles -Philharmonic Quintet-. (THANK YOU SARAH SILVERMAN!!!) Maybe she can make it up in this next week of activities.

Stay tuned, because you know you want to!! *dances off stage*

My Wedding and how AWESOME it is going to be...

Okay, before anyone starts freaking out and calling me wondering what is going on, I am NOT getting married. Yet. I'm not going to deny that Donnie and I have talked about getting married, because we have. But we have both said that we want to wait a few years before we decide to take that all to important step into the future.

So, those of you who know me really (REALLY) well know that I planned my entire wedding about 2 years ago, the only thing that was missing was a groom. Since I don't want to freak Donnie out I have refrained from adding him to it. *giggle* Anyway, moving on, I drew out the dresses for myself, my bridesmaids and my flower girl, and even drew out the suits for the groom, groomsmen and bible-boy/ring-bearer (If you have a question about "bible-boy", then just send me a message). I am hoping that at some point I'm going to be able to actually scan my original drawings/plans and put them up for everyone to see.

ANYWAY, moving on... SO I was looking over my Wedding Plans while working at the bookstore and I began thinking about who was going to walk me down the aisle. As many of you also may know (if anyone ACTUALLY reads these things) since my mother and her husband are getting divorced I no longer have a father figure to walk me down the aisle and give me away. In this frame of mind I decided to make a list of people I deemed adequate to give me away.

Thus far, I have the following:
- Yoshiki (well I had mentioned that before, have I not?)
- Fawny (she is awesome, so why not?!)
- My mother, Debra (well she brought me into the world, she might as well give me away)
- Ivan (who is a very close family friend. I've known him since I was 4 years old)
and...
- My Grandpa, Jerry.

Then, BRILLANCE struck me!! I thought,
"Hey, what if I had X-Japan walk me down the aisle and give me away?" Which would mean Yoshiki, Toshi, Heath and Pata. But then I was thinking "Wait, hold on a minute! X-Japan is NOT X-Japan without the beloved hide!! WAIT! Instead of a bouquet, I'll carry a hide plushie(http://www.animemate.com/proddetail.php?prod=hide35a)!!! Then I can have Yoshiki on my left, Toshi on my right, hide in my arms and then Pata and Heath behind me carrying my train (if I have one) or just escorting from behind." Thus my epic wedding ideas began.

So I go home and I tell the boyfriend about my idea. He agrees, that it is, indeed, epic. Then he asked if we could have a Gackt collage wedding cake with a 15 inch obelisk on top... If you don't know what that means, then you don't need to know. *shifty eyes* Moving on... Then he asked if I could walk down the aisle to "Electric Cucumber" by hide with Zilch (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IM1dMocjCWQ), I said no, but that we should make that our first dance song as a couple. I have decided to walk down the aisle to part of Orgasm or part of Art of Life or Tears (all) by X-Japan.

Not only that, but I totally want Fawn and Yoshiki to sing "Electric Cucumber" karaoke style, because it would be AWESOME!!! *giggles*

Okay, enough ranting for now, if I get a chance to scan my plans into the computer, I totally will and show you all how INSANE I am, but you know you love me!! *huggles everyone*

Love,
Sarai

Holding On

He held her hands, walked with her and held her.
He held her hands, taught her how to shoot,
taught her how to ride. Rough and strong, he
taught her about life. He showed her love, a father's
love, strong and pure.

He held her hand, the night they thought she
would die, caressed the twisted and bruised skin.
He held her hand when they told her that she
would never bear children, never have life born
from her body.

He held her hand, the day he gave her away.
Watching with tear-bright eyes as she changed her
name. Grinning from ear to ear, swelled with pride.
He held her hand, the day she got the news.
He held her, shaking and crying, to broken to stand.

He held her hand, when she passed away. His
little girl, leaving the world, even the sun seemed to
weep. He saw the truth in his child, in her smile, the
way she walked and talked. He would miss her, but
he would hold her hand when he came into eternity.

Triggers

Pull the trigger, baby,
I'll be your gun.
Slit my throat, sweetheart,
I promise not to cry.

This has to be the most
beautiful betrayal,
exquisitely executed in
every way imaginable.

My heart lies, drawn
and quartered, upon
the snowy earth. Your
love does that to me.

This heart, that loved
you so reverently, who
knew it could die? Poisoned
love, honeyed lies.

Tainted darling, caressed
by dying eyes. That this
betrayal was lost upon my
soul I would give the world.

You slit my throat, I
promised not to cry.
You pulled the trigger
just to watch me die.

Halcyon

Is my beloved dead? Does his heart lie still upon the shores?
Has he left me to travel to the Elysian fields and ne'er return?
I am Halcyon, restless bird upon roughened waves, searching
and wandering, calling for my lover.

Ceyx, my Ceyx, why hast thou left your faithful wife? Drown'd
upon forsaken oceans, washed upon star-swept shores?
Sinking slowly, the satin soft waters filling my thirsty lungs in
place of air. Still searching for your still form in these tepid seas.

Our bodies touch, warmth to chill. Your eyes are closed, pale
and bruised visage, so delicate in death. I am entranced and
embraced by Pluto's arms, he is ready to take us both. I will
follow where ye shall go, I shall rest where ye shall choose to lie.

Oh Gods, give him back to me. Let the air return to drenched
lungs and movement back to empty bones. Please don't let our
love end like this. Take pity and return us to life, please. Take
his hand in mine, close my eyes, let this coffin of water bury us.

I am Halcyon, drowned for love. Born again a bird, flying o'er
the seas in which I met my doom. Ceyx, my lover and husband,
a bird too, never far from me. Floating upon my father's breath,
adrift these restless waves for eternity.

Pata-Whore and Gackt-Slut

Alternate Blog Title: The Sex Olympics

Yes, ladies and gentleman it is that time of year again when the annual Sex Olympics begins!!

The prize this year is One night with the lovely and talented Camui Gackt. The following brave young women have been practicing all year for this prize. Lets look at the specs for the ladies in running!

Fawn Matsumoto
Title: Reigning Champion
Age: 28
Height: 5ft. 5in. (hide size!)
Weight: 130lbs (58.97kgs)
Medals
AOI medal at the 2006 Olympics.
hide medal, the hide w/zilch medal and the hide w/spread beaver medal at the 2004, 2005, 2006 and 2007 Olympics.
The HONEYBLADE medal at the 2005, 2006 and 2007 Olympics.
X-Japan Medal at the 2004, 2005 and 2006 Olympics.
and...
The DaizyStripper medals at the 2007 Olympics.
She is currently the reigning champion of the Sex Olympics, 2 years running.

Sarai Lillie
Title: The New-Comer Cucumber Queen
Age: 20
Height: 5ft. 2in.
Weight: 230lbs. (104.33kgs)
Medals
The Electric Cucumber Medal at the 2007 Olympics
The Swamp Snake Medal at the 2007 Olympics
and...
The Dir en Grey Medal at the 2007 Olympics

Megan Pomegranate
Title: The Virgin
Age: 17 (almost 18)
Height: 5ft. 4in.
Weight: Unknown
Medals
None as this is her first time participating in the Sex Olympics.

The Sex Olympics will last for a Month and each day a new J-Rocker is given to the contestants. At the end of the month, whomever has participated in the various activities with the most J-Rockers, with the best numbers from the Judges, WINS!

The Judges this year are:
Toshi
MYV
Rose
and...
Jui

The Judges will be judging each contestant on the following:
-Form
-Precision
-Technique
-Vocals
and...
-Duration

All activities will be held at the hide Colosseum from 6pm to 4am EST (eastern standard time).

HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE!!! *wink, wink*

ps. Let it be known that Sarai Lillie's alternate names/titles (as given by Fawn Matsumoto) are Pata-Whore and Gackt-Slut.

Stereotypes and why I hate them

I was looking through a bunch of blogs that I had deleted way back when... I was a little stupid then and didn't realize that I didn't have to delete my blogs to look at previous ones!!! *blushes from embarrassment* So, I'm going to be re-posting the ones I think are still relevant. This one is about Stereotypes.

*Note on three of these stereotypes*
-- On the Not Virgin One, I would like to clarify that I had been raped and at the time didn't feel worthy of calling myself a virgin.
-- I am no longer a Republican, but would like to keep it anyway, because it is what I was then.
-- I do have a boyfriend now, then I didn't, so I decided to leave it as is!

These are stereotypes. I'm all these things, and these are how I am viewed by the world because of it. so, if you don't like who I am deal with it. I'm who I am and I refuse to change because you want me to!!!!

Sarai


I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.

I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.

I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.

I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.

I TAKE ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.

I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.

I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.

I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.

I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.

I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.

I ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, so I MUST be a freak.

I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.

I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.

I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.

I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.

I'm INTO THEATRE & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.

I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.

I have BIG BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.

I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.

I'm GERMAN, so I MUST be a Nazi.

I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.

I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.

Obama Rally, will you be there?

As many of you know, today (October 6th) is the last day to register to vote in the state of Indiana. I encourage you all who have not registered to get registered!! This is a historic and intriguing election.

If you do not register to vote and subsequently don't vote, I don't want to hear any whining about the president. Since you didn't care enough to try to vote, you have no room to whine about the choice.

I wrote a blog awhile back, that got deleted, about voting. In fact it was after I got to vote for the first time. And it pretty much sums up my feelings on the matter.

"voting...
voting: the act of choosing someone to bring into the power of government.(note, this is my definition)

Voting: 7. to express or signify will or choice in a matter, as by casting a ballot: to vote for president.

Why do i bring this topic up? well, i voted for the first time yesterday. and i was thinking about a lot of my older friends who don't vote, even though they can. but they complain about who got elected and what they are doing. but they don't want to put their opinion in. i'm here to say that if you can't get off your lazy dumb ass to vote, then don't come complaining about how bad our president is and how awful our senator is being. it is your decision to change the world, but if you don't who will? no one, because everyone is to lazy to care about whether our president is killing innocents in Japan or whether we will be remembered as the most selfish of all generations. get off your lazy ass and stand up for what you believe in!!! if you think the world is going to hell in a hand-basket, vote for someone who you believe will do what needs to be done. Why are people so stupid?! if you want something done, you can't count on others to do it for you. do it yourself.

VOTE!!"

I still see it that way. So, if you aren't going to vote and you intend on coming to me with complaints about the president that is chosen, save your breath.

Now, moving on.

Barack Obama is having a rally in Indianapolis, Indiana on Wednesday October 8th. The doors open at 10:00am and the rally officially begins at 12:15pm. I encourage everyone who is able to go, to go. It is free and a historic event. This is history in the making folks!! These are the days we are going to tell our children and their children about when we get older. So, please, take a moment to appreciate the depth of this moment and then grasp your part and move up!!

In short, PLEASE VOTE!!!

The Legalization of Marijuana

Disclaimer
The views stated in this blog have no reflection on Blogger.com in any way, shape or form. The opinions here in are my own and I take full responsibility for them. If you are offended by anything I have to say, please refrain from reading this. If you proceed in reading this blog and find that you are offended, please do not comment trying to start an argument. If you have a problem with my views you may kindly do one of two things:
1. Remove me from your list of blogs.
or...
2. Refrain from reading further blogs.
I am in no way endorsing the use of Marijuana with this blog.
If you have anything constructive to say, you may post a comment. I am interested in knowing people's different views on what I say. If you have nothing constructive to say, you may send me a message. I won't allow comments that are destructive on my blog. Thank you.

Lets begin with this:
"Marijuana is a green, brown, or gray mixture of dried, shredded leaves, stems, seeds, and flowers of the hemp plant (Cannabis sativa). Cannabis is a term that refers to marijuana and other drugs made from the same plant. Other forms of cannabis include sinsemilla, hashish, and hash oil. All forms of cannabis are mind-altering (psychoactive) drugs." (http://www.whitehousedrugpolicy.gov/drugfact/marijuana/index.html)

"Cannabis, a fast-growing bushy annual with dense sticky flowers, produces the psychoactive THC. It is the most widely used illegal psychoactive..." (http://www.erowid.org/plants/cannabis/cannabis.shtml)

Okay, so we all know what Marijuana is. I'm sure that some of those who read this have friends who smoke "pot" or have smoked it themselves. I have several friends who use Marijuana, I've been around people who were smoking it. Personally, the stuff makes me ill. I think I might actually be allergic to it! So why am I writing about the legalization of this drug? Well its because I happen to believe that it is a good idea.

I can just imagine the looks on everyone's faces right about now. "Sarai wants the legalization of Marijuana?! WTF?!" And I'm sure that some people are saying "Isn't her father a drug addict? Why would she want drugs legalized?". One should note that I only said the legalization of Marijuana, not all drugs. And yes, my father is a drug addict.

Truth of the matter is that I've actually read up on this and watched documentaries (Super High Me. Everyone should watch that movie. It had a lot of insights into the world of Marijuana use and was actually very educational). Now, my reasoning for wanting Marijuana legalized is purely political. I don't how many people on here pay attention to the politics here in our country, but the United States of America is in debt. Massively so.

"America has become more a debt 'junkie' - - than ever before
with total debt of $53 Trillion - - and the highest debt ratio in history." (http://mwhodges.home.att.net/nat-debt/debt-nat.htm)

Debt is awful for the economy, and am I the only who has noticed that we are headed for a Second Depression? I don't know about you all, but I do not want to have to go through a Depression. Our Grandparents and Great-Grandparents had to survive that and they don't speak very highly about it!

"Currently, control over the marijuana market is left in the hands of the criminal black market. As such, proceeds from marijuana sales are kept in the underground economy. The profits go untaxed, and the money generated is kept off the books. Fortune magazine estimated the potential tax earnings from legal marijuana sales at $11 billion per year, and that only accounts for taxes on the marijuana, not including taxes on the income generated by the legal sellers, distributors, and producers." (http://www.psychedelic-library.org/mcvay.htm)

Another thing, everyone who has ever had any experience with Marijuana will know what I'm talking about, the taxes from the sales of food to people who smoke pot. Munchies = money spent on food by people with said munchies. Going back though, "$11 billion per year" and that only accounts for taxes on the Marijuana itself! That would not only be good for the economy, but good for helping get this country out of National Debt!! Wouldn't that be nice?

Now, moving on to Medical Marijuana usage.
This has to be one of the most controversial reasons to use Marijuana. Though physicians are usually divided over it, there does seem to be some validation to the saying that "Mary Jane" helps those in pain.

"Myth: Marijuana Has No Medicinal Value. Safer, more effective drugs are available. They include a synthetic version of THC, marijuana's primary active ingredient, which is marketed in the United States under the name Marinol.
"Fact: Marijuana has been shown to be effective in reducing the nausea induced by cancer chemotherapy, stimulating appetite in AIDS patients, and reducing intraocular pressure in people with glaucoma. There is also appreciable evidence that marijuana reduces muscle spasticity in patients with neurological disorders. A synthetic capsule is available by prescription, but it is not as effective as smoked marijuana for many patients. Pure THC may also produce more unpleasant psychoactive side effects than smoked marijuana." (http://www.drugpolicy.org/marijuana/factsmyths/medmj)

I have a friend who has severe back problems, when he smokes Marijuana his back doesn't hurt as bad. Because his pain is inhibited by the THC. I know that this isn't actual proof to anyone, but I've seen him in such pain that he could barely move, then when he had a joint he was at least able to move around and relax. So, its proof enough to me.

Now, I'm not saying that Marijuana should be able to be smoked anywhere and everywhere. I do believe that it should not be allowed to smoke in public, I feel the same way about cigarettes. There are people everywhere who don't want to be exposed to the smoke, so it should be legal to smoke it in the privacy of your own home and in certain cafes designed for that reason.

F(or)Y(our)I(nformation): Prohibition has NEVER worked. Look through-out history and you will see that it doesn't. Banning it isn't going to stop people from buying it or growing it or using it. And if it can help our economy, help people in pain and help us get out of National Debt, does it really do that much harm?

I leave you all with this final statistic that I found:
ANNUAL AMERICAN DEATHS CAUSED BY DRUGS

TOBACCO ........................ 400,000
ALCOHOL ........................ 100,000
ALL LEGAL DRUGS ................ 20,000
ALL ILLEGAL DRUGS .............. 15,000
CAFFEINE ....................... 2,000
ASPIRIN ........................ 500
MARIJUANA ...................... 0
----------------------------------------
Source: United States government.
National Institute on Drug Abuse,
Bureau of Mortality Statistics