i just don’t understand....

Once again my parents may be getting divorced. Will they actually go through w/it this time? Nobody knows. The terrible thing is I almost wish they would. Because I can't stand to see them both in pain. And to be honest, I don't believe that my step-dad loves my mom anymore. Which may sound cruel, but I just don't think he does. The question is, is it fair to get a divorce when you know that your partner doesn't love you anymore? Or maybe they never did?
As you probably notice, I didn't say "is it right" i asked if it was fair. I know that God hates divorce and that he gave only three ways out of marriage: Death, Adultery, Unbeliever chooses to leave.
Besides that, where does it leave me? where does it leave my siblings? For years now, I've been fooling myself, saying that my "mixed" family was way better than some that my friends have. But it wasn't. It never has been. My parents' marriage is a sad one. Truthfully they are such polar opposites that I don't even understand how they came together. my mom says that "God sent him" to her. If that is true, then why is God allowing her to go through Hell and letting their marriage fall to pieces?
Now, don't give me the whole "God gave us free will" shit. I know all that stuff, I could write a book about it. I've lived my life believing that God is a "Gentleman" who doesn't interfere, He allows us to do what we do. But that doesn't make this any less confusing! How the hell am I supposed to know what God is saying? What He wants, if He is to much of a gentleman to intervene?!
I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! And maybe I never will...
Then comes the even harder stuff. My father decided to leave my life when i was young and Wes is the only dad I've ever known. But I don't love him as my father. He makes me angry and sometimes I hate him. But I love him. Which is crazy. And all the times that they have talked about separating and divorcing I have wanted them to stay together for the sake of us. But now i see that i would rather they divorce than live like we do. How am I supposed to feel?! What I am supposed to do? I feel so helpless and lost and alone!

The Mermaid: Chapter V

Chapter Five

As he pulled her up the water rocked under them. Together, they stood upon the water, her tail slowly changing back to legs. She could not see him, her back to his chest, only everything around her. Then, as if in a dream, the water rose to the sky, engulfing them in a wave of water. Fire shot out of the deep, ashen lightning struck all around them, everything shook. For a confused moment, the mermaid thought that she could see her father above her, throwing down stars and pieces of the sky. It was then that the demon pulled her close to his chest, her back pressed close to him. He, too, was looking up into the face of the breaking sky. He seemed afraid and angry at the same moment.

Then he crossed his arms across her chest and dragged her under. At first she fought him, trying to escape his embrace, trying to breathe. Her body struggled to return to tail and fin, her body half faded. It was as if his arms were burning into her flesh, as if they were becoming one as they reached the floor. The ocean floor began to open beneath them, surrounding them in darkness. Her heart beat furiously as they touched earth.

For the first time in four years, the change was painful. It tore, what remained of, her body down and seared it back. She now only had one arm and one leg. She could still walk, as if it was still there, but no evidence existed. Her body ached and shook from the pain. She could not feel anything, only the pain that held her down.

The demon held her closely as she changed. He knew how the pain was all that existed in her at that moment. She shook violently, just as the world above them shook and tore apart. If it was possible, in that moment he loved her. He longed to set her free from the pain, and the eternity she would suffer alone. His lips brushed her spider web thin hair, and his hand grazed hers.

As she regained her vision, Troian began to notice the darkness all about them. All she could see the demon's glowing white hair and the bloody red tips. His face remained shrouded by the cloak and a gentle mist that encircled them. In that moment she wanted to see his face, see the expression. Was it evil or good? She did not know why she wanted to know, but the question continued to persist. She could feel his eyes on her, his arms slowly releasing her body. His gaze unsettling, even in the dark. The silence wrapped it's arms around them, causing shivers to run up and down her spine. She could feel his heart beat, feel his soul take a breath, in the silent shadows.

He stretched out a hand to touch her, but, as if sensing his touch, she drew back, afraid. He seemed to ignore this, moving closer to her. She tried to move back, but found she could not, her back against a barrier. His hand brushed her face, the heat of his hands burning into her. She remembered Jael's fingers, icy to the touch so that they burned.

When his lips found hers, his kiss burned against her mouth, at once the most heartrending experience of her life. It stole her breath, both sweetness and pain, soft and harsh. It burned against her soul, touching every part of her, without leaving her lips. It was at once heaven and hell, fire and water, the deepest pain her blood and soul had suffered. She knew that this would be the last thing she felt, the last taste of life she would touch. Good and evil were laced in that kiss and her death sealed it.

It was destined that she die in his arms. That she fade with only his kiss to follow her lost soul for all eternity. In the depths of her soul, it was truth. Truth was not a myth, for it lay here, it was touching her deep within. It was good that she lost Dante, to gain this demon and lose herself. Finally, she would not have to remember anything or feel anything. She was finally free. Even as she faded further and further away, his lips remained against hers, she would never be alone again.

For in the never-ending black abyss of hell, she could remember that kiss. All she could think of was that he had freed her. With his kiss, with this final gentle touch, he had freed her to lose herself. He had freed her to lose herself, find her peace, find her truth and be who she was before love had destroyed her. In those last moments she left herself behind, fading into oblivion.

The Mermaid: Chapter IV

Chapter Four

"I do not know why I feel I should tell you, but it is as if some burning desire is in me that will not be quenched. As if you were wishing for me to speak it. Maybe, in speaking it, I will finally obtain the peace I have searched so long for.

"I was kidnapped, mermaid. Stolen from my home and taken on board that ship. I was abused by the captain, using me to his own evil purposes. I wanted revenge, but not on you. I never had the chance to take my revenge, because just as the storm began is when they did this,"

Jael hesitated, touching her chest with tentative fingers. She pulled on the fabric, letting it slip slightly to reveal a bloody opening across her chest. It was empty of any heart. In her memory, Troian saw Jael's body floating atop the water, her chest a gaping chasm, empty.

"Why have you not asked for your heart?" asked Troian, she lightly touched the hollow.

"When they murdered me, all I could think of was revenge. I have never longed for my heart, only for the peace I should possess. I just want the peace and freedom denied me. That is why I come here every year. Not for my heart, only seeking peace. And every year, it is not to be found. I have searched for years and still have not found it, nor the source of it."

"It isn't here." replied Troian.

"I now know that. And, soon, you will not be here either." The ghost lightly brushed fingers across the mermaid's lucent skin.

"I know. I'm fading, dying. In a way, I'm transitioning, preparing for hell. I fear that, after tomorrow, I won't see you again. This is my last winter as a mermaid. My last winter with you." She shivered under Jael's touch.

"Why, mermaid? Why are you to be punished?"

"I asked to much of my mother. Because I rejected the gift that had been given me. I tried to throw away my life, which had only become mortal after I had pleaded for it. I longed for more than my fair share. And that was unforgivable."

For a long time they sat quietly together, both longing for comfort. As it got darker all around them, Jael began to disappear. Before she was completely gone, she pressed an icy kiss to Troian's cheek. She remained quiet, looking up at the stars and wondering. She pondered everything Jael had said, piecing everything together in her mind. The sky seemed to be so empty, so completely bare and void of anything, even stars. She could almost see through the window of the heavens into her old home, her old life, just as she could see through herself.

She looked down, where her hands had been. She had faded almost completely. Her hands were gone and her hair was turning silvery and thin, like spider webs. The slender bones that made up her body appeared under the surface. Rivers of blood rushed under where her skin had been. It seemed strange to her, that she die now. Why not when her heart was broken beyond repair? When her soul had weighed so heavily inside of her that she feared it would leave her behind to face the end? Why not then?

She was afraid, more afraid of fading then she had ever been. As if summoned by her fear, threatening clouds covered the moon. Demons sprang from the dark, one plucking at her arm. One grabbed her hair, pulling her head back. He was handsome, with blackness in his eyes and evil written across his face. Though evil existed on his face, a mixture of purity and loveliness claimed it as well. He seemed to be a mixture of both, a vague light of passion and fragility glowed under the black that overwhelmed his eyes.

His hair was intensely white, the tips of it dark crimson as if it had been dipped in the blood. He stopped a moment, as if her translucent beauty made him remember something. As if he saw some of the same mixture in her eyes as well. Only he seemed to see what she had seen reflected in the eyes of a ghost. That subtle sense of darkness and something sinister, that lay deep within. For a moment longer they stared into each other's eyes. Then he released her hair.

The others had also been staring at her, watching the two of them in a sense of disgust and awe. They recoiled slightly at the pure beauty they saw. If they, too, had looked into her eyes, they would have seen what he saw. As if waiting for a cue, they stood still. The moon above remained engulfed by clouds and every second the darkness seemed to grow.

Then, suddenly, they overcame her, like waves on top and all around her. She tried to escape, pushing away and moving toward her beloved ocean. She screamed, crying out for help. The demon with the white and red hair stopped her mouth with a kiss, pressing his lips to hers. His mouth strong and sure. She could feel terror flooding through her, then nothing but his mouth on hers.

She had never been kissed by any man, not even her father had kissed her. His mouth was sweet pressed to hers, but she could taste the evil laced within it. It broke her heart, tearing it into bits and pieces. Tearing her down, violating her soul with only his mouth as passage. She longed to break away, but could not. He was destroying her, killing her more than Dante ever had. He was murdering her with only a kiss. Then he pulled away.

Tears ran down her face as the demons continued to torment her. Through out the night they plagued her. Breaking her spirit, taunting her and assassinating any hope she might have had. As the sun rose the demon, who had kissed her, stopped, a mournful look on his face. Then they fell to the ground like sand, the wind picking up the pieces and carrying them away.

She felt raw, bleeding on her legs and arms. She was safe for today, but once tomorrow came she would be halfway gone. Then after that she would disappear completely. She pulled her legs up to her chest and pressed her cheek to her knees. She could only cry and wish that Jael would return soon.

Then, in a moment, she was running to the ocean, slipping under the satin of the waves. It was as if she was being buried under the waves, unable to breathe, unable to touch the surface or the light above her. All she could do was sink down into the dark void of the ocean's arms and let the pain of one last change overwhelm her body.

Curls of her blood floated about her in a crimson mist. Her vision was becoming hazy. The change was taking to long. Any longer and she would drown, crushed by the only thing that had truly loved her. As she fell further and further she cursed her fate, screaming into the silence of the deep. Then she took a breath. Visions of her future and the demon filled her mind as she finally touched the bottom. Her dreams were filled with these visions, making her toss and cry out. The ocean above began to stir, the clouds rumbling and white lighting skimming the surface.

Even to the floor of the deep, the boom of thunder echoed. It rocked the world under her, causing her to stir. In stirring, she glimpsed the demon shrouded in a heavy black cloak. To escape him, she pushed herself upward, toward the surface. She swiftly swam up, exploding into the utter chaos. In awe she watched as the sky shattered all around her, the moon tore herself apart. Blood stained every part of the heavens, the world seemed to have destroyed itself under the strain. The demon stood on the water above her, then, grabbing her shoulders, he pulled her up.

The Mermaid: Chapter III

Chapter Three

In sleep, she dreamed of her life before she became trapped in her own emptiness. Before she'd fallen in love.

She had been the daughter of the goddess of love and the god of hate. The most beautiful child born to the gods. She had been pampered and spoiled, loved. She'd had red curls, porcelain skin and greener than green eyes. She was taught music and became the muse of poetry and fate. Her brothers, Charis and Eteray, were gods of war, muses of history and epic orations. She had adored them both, spending long days playing with them.

On that fateful day, her brothers had been hunting with their father. She was desperately alone and to keep herself amused she decided to play her music. She'd been reclining on a cloud, draped in the golden light of the sun, playing her flute. The tune had been as mournful as the night, causing tears to spring to her eyes. She'd only glanced down upon the world below for a moment when she saw him.

Dante was a shepherd, handsome and kind. He was playing a harp, the tune merry and light. Troian had loved him from first sight. She longed to touch his brown curls, caress his satin cheek. Longed to kiss his ribbon of a smile. She could not bear to be away from him. She could not be content with watching him everyday. It was then that she had gone to her mother and pleaded with her to give her mortality.

And she had given it. Love had given her mortality. She gave up everything; her brothers, her mother and father. Everything she had ever loved, she gave up for him. Though she tried to make him love her, Dante did not love her back. He was in love with a beautiful shepherdess named Cassandra. Cassandra had hair the color of gold, long and falling in waves. Her eyes were the lightest blue anyone had ever seen, enticing and generous. No one could deny that Cassandra was beautiful, not even Troian. So she had been a shadow, watching Dante with Cassandra.

Troian had wept, trying to change his mind, but man proved fickle and strong willed. Then tragedy had struck, killing Cassandra in it's wake. While at the market, a lion attacked. The beautiful girl was the first of many who were mauled to death in the square. In the aftermath, Dante had been filled with despair, ignoring Troian and her desperate plea that he love her. Shortly after Dante killed himself in sorrow, breaking her heart.

That's when she had thrown herself into the ocean, letting the satin-soft waves engulf her. To save her the gods changed her into a mermaid, only there was a time limit. She had to be punished, she had been given a gift and she had rejected it. Thrown that gift into the ocean with her. The gods made it so that when she died, or faded, it would be into an everlasting hell. This as payment for her love, as punishment for her sin. And in the emptiness of hell, cut off from everything she would remain.

The change had been painful at first. Ripping her into pieces then burning her back together. She had cried out, screamed curses to the heavens so that the earth had rocked under her pain. She called out to her mother, pleading with her to save her, but her mother turned her back and walked away. The last thing she saw was her brothers walking away from her, turning deaf ears to her screams.

Then all had been black.

When she had awoke she was entangled in seaweed and her dress on an empty island. Then she knew she was completely alone. She had been banished, sentenced to a short time on a completely empty piece of world. Not even animals lived on her island. In the ocean she was not alone, but once she touched land she was isolated.

And for two years she had been exactly that. That was until the accident. That was when Jael had appeared. The ocean had been dark and stormy that night.

The water was screaming, seething under the tumultuous strain. Lances of lightning struck the sand, sparkling and bubbling. She had awoke as thunder rolled, booming all around her. She had looked up to see a ship blow up, illuminating the sky. It had taken all her strength to swim out to the wreck.

Desperately, she had searched, looking for any survivors, but had not found any. All were dead. Each face was burned into her mind forever. 45 men, dismembered and black from the explosion. Only one woman was among them, her body somehow managing to survive the explosion. Her dress was bloody and her chest a gaping hole. Her face was distorted, silently trapped in her final screams of anguish. For a moment, she had stared into the dead girl's face, wrestling with her thoughts. She had thought to bury the girl on the beach, but instead she had fled.

She had retreated back to the beach, trying, in vain, to cleanse her mind of the sight. On the beach, she had found the girl's heart, washed upon the shore by the storm. She had buried it, under a tree, whispering silent prayers to the blue above her.

Jael and the nightmares began the next year. When the specter had first appeared, Troian had been to frightened to speak to her. So that she had not spoken to Jael until that day on the beach. When they had first spoken, she had believed that the spirit had wanted it's heart, but Jael had never asked for it. She had wondered why the ghost had come, why the nightmares had plagued her, if not for the heart? In her dream, she determined to ask Jael the many questions probing her dreams and visions.

Then she awoke to the gentle, icy, touch of ghostly fingers.

"I think," said Jael. "its time you heard my story."

The Mermaid: Chapter II

Chapter Two

For a moment, the mermaid stopped to watch the ghost walk along the sand. Jael stopped, also looking and watching. The mermaid crawled up on to the beach, waiting for the change to happen. She was frightened, exposed and open until she regained her legs. The specter moved closer and closer, hovering above the sand. She seemed to smile slightly at the mermaid, as if to avail her fears.

"Why are you here?" the mermaid asked, standing to meet the ghost.

"I am here, as I am every year." replied the ghost, the slight smile remained, as if it had been frozen in place.

"Why do you continue to haunt me? I have not wronged you, why trouble me?"

"I want peace, mermaid." The ghost's pale fingers reached out to touch the mermaid's jeweled hair, but only brushed a strand of crimson.

The mermaid pulled back, shivering. The touch of the girl's fingers were ice and pain. It was as if her hair suddenly possessed feeling, the icy agony running through her scalp and down her spine.

"Peace does not exist. Look somewhere else if you desire it."

Jael looked into the mermaid's eyes. The mermaid could feel her presence in her mind and soul, could feel her probing her memories. The ghost did not seem to comprehend what she saw in the mermaid's green eyes, a look of confusion gathering across her brow. Then the mermaid closed her eyes, pushing Jael out of her mind, pleading with the girl to leave her alone.

"Why were you banished little one?" asked the ghost. Her voice had become soft and gentle. Her deep white-violet eyes searched the mermaid's face, touching wounds that lay buried beneath the beautiful facade. The mermaid could see her soul reflected in those eyes, something dark and sinister lay deep within her that she had not known existed. It was deeper than the ocean, deeper than her pain. It was cold and destructive, lovely and violent. Troubled, she looked away and replied,

"Because I loved. Because I loved a dream, a ghost like you."

"What is your name, mermaid?"

"Troian. Daughter of gods, mortal because of love." Silence fell between the two, uncomfortable and sorrowful. Yet, they remained in silence until the beginning of the sunset caused the ghost disappear.

Troian dove back into the depths, letting the currents drag her further and further away. And in the rhythms of the ocean, thrumming and churning about her, it was easy to forget herself. She would forget herself in the dark peace of a never-ending sea. If only the forgetting took away the pain, took away the memories. But forgetting could not take what she knew, not even to the deepest part of her soul. Even she could not forget that much. She could not forget herself, though she fooled herself into believing it.

She had loved, loved and been betrayed by it. Love did not exist, she decided. It was a myth, like unicorns. Like mermaids. Only, she could not forget who she had been, before she was myth. Before she was lost to this island, the sands of time and grief. Before she was no longer truth.

Truth. She had not thought about truth in so long that it, too, seemed to be a myth. But truth remained. Why couldn't truth exist else where? Then maybe she could believe that she was never in love and that she had never been so full of sorrow. Maybe then she could remember what it was like before anything existed, when she was the daughters of gods.

Light began to filter down to her, though it was faint as a wisp of smoke. She arose just as a bleeding sun gave birth to dawn. In the sparkling light, she seemed to be more thin and translucent then yesterday. She knew what it meant, only she did not wish to acknowledge it.

She was dying. Fading into the eternity to which her soul was doomed. She looked at her hand and gazed through it to the blue water.

"No." she whispered. It couldn't be time for her to fade yet. She had only been mortal for ten years. She was to young, to young to fade away. With no one to remember her. Nothing to leave behind, so that someone might remember that she had existed, that she had been truth once. Now she would be utterly and entirely alone, trapped beyond the reach of anything and everything. Not even Jael would be able to reach her.

Exhausted and sorrowful she made her way to the beach. Though the day held promise, she drifted off, lulled to sleep by her beloved ocean

The Mermaid: Chapter I

Troian and Dante

On a cloud, golden in hue, lay

Troian, daughter of Passion and Loathing.

Mournfully, she played a forgotten

tune and watched over empty worlds of blue.

To her weeping eyes came the

shepherd boy, Dante, playing his

stringed instruments and in singing

turned her gaze.

She cast off immortality and

loved him as humans love. Yet, Dante

returned not her fancy and, in her grief,

cast herself into the arms of the sea.

Forever she cries, her moans

and tears causing fair foam to

spring from the deep. And no ship is

safe when it be that Troian weep.

Chapter One

The blaze of orange danced on the bluest ocean. The silver of the moon was already ascending her black throne, her diamond attendants appearing behind her. A streak of emerald green, flitted just under the surface of cobalt glass. The lonesome wind whipped the waves into white dancers, crashing upon the amber sand. Red and green crabs scuttled along the shore, climbing, searching, the rough span of rocks. Dolphins grazed the surface, reaching up to the sunset sky. Seagulls called back and forth, riding the wind.

As the last sliver of sun disappeared on the horizon, she emerged from the water. She lay still as her green-silver tail changed into slender ivory legs. Her crimson-gold hair fanned around her in tangled dreadlocks; oyster pearls, gold and silver beads entwined in it.

For awhile she lay in thought, ebony encompassing the sky above her. When she stood it was as if watching a perfect statue come to life. Her hair fell to the middle of her back, her lithe body swathed in a faded wrap. She could hear the ocean calling her back to it, begging her to return, to join it in her true form. Heart swelling in her chest, she walked away.

Alone, she walked up the beach. A graceful hammock swayed back and forth in the, now, playful breeze. She did not sit in the hammock, but instead sat in front of it, digging her toes into the still warm sand. Tears rolled down her porcelain cheeks, creating small stains on the ground beneath her. She was so alone, so far from any company, any hope of love. Love was what had trapped her here, banishing her to this place. She would live and die here, exiled from her people and forever alone.

The trees gently swung above her, eclipsing her view of the sky. Eternity was not so long, she thought. If only she had a friend, a companion. Someone to share her thoughts with, love and be with. What did she need with love? She did not wish to remember, only the memories came anyway. She did not need companions, or friends. She had been deceived by her family, by her friends and by love. Still, she remained lonely and dismally in despair. She didn't notice when the tears began to fall faster, she only climbed into her hammock, wishing for sleep to come quickly.

The tears continued to flow, even as her green-apple eyes closed in sleep.

The sky erupted with spears of white lightning, the moon hiding behind a lacy, black, cover. The girl was wandering up and down the beach, wild ocean, tugging, pulling her in to it's salty embrace. Black curls swept about her shoulders, white-violet eyes gazing into the fury of the storm. She stood still, untouched by the chaos around her. In horror, the mermaid watched the crimson rain fall all around the girl, never touching her pale skin or black hair. Slowly, her gaze turned onto the mermaid. She seemed to speak, but the words were lost on the violence of the wind.

Then she looked back out to the raging sea. A fire licked the horizon, screams of terror overpowering the storm's might. A ship came closer and closer, setting the water ablaze. Then it exploded, bursting into indistinct pieces and lighting the sky with bodies of fire. In that moment the girl disappeared, only a beating heart lay where she had stood. Blood stained the heavens above, the moon gorging herself upon the havoc. Then all was darkness and ocean.

Her breath was ragged as she sat upright. Sweat dripped from her lean body, causing her to shiver with cold. Pulling her knees to her chest, she wished everything would disappear. This was the fifth time the dream had come this month. It always came more often when winter began to approach.

All she knew was the girl's name was Jael.

The voice of the ocean began to call her, once again pleading with her to come to it's arms. She ran into the arms of the water, diving beneath the waves and allowing the change to engulf her body. It wasn't painful, not anymore. She could remember the first time she had changed, the first time she'd been released. It seemed so long ago, distant as the moon above, yet closer than the water which pressed against her. Why could she not purge herself of these memories? Purge her soul of this nightmare? Of this girl?

The dream continued to plague her as she swam. She fled further and further into the arms of the depths, trying to escape the nightmare. Brushing her fingers along the bottom, she felt as if she was touching the stars. She could not think of anything but the dream and as it became more clear to her, she shivered. She lay at the bottom a long while willing her heart to stop wildly raging in her chest. If only she could escape the nightmare, purge it from her thoughts, from her heart. Maybe then she could rest, close her eyes and let the water rock her to sleep.

Something inside of her, pushed the dream down and she began to feel drowsy. She closed her eyes and when she awoke all trace of her nightmare was gone. She did not sleep long, but the sun was already half way through with his work. The longing for the warmth of the sun brought her to the sparkling surface and there on the golden beach stood Jael.

Insanity

You tore my heart out, crushed it right in front of my face. How can all this be my fault? You were the one who said it would be okay. Now you say that I have to go and you get off free and clear. Well, I don't want it to be like this. What kind of truth is this? That you loved me, now you don't? And then you give me a broken kiss to make up for all the pain that you've caused. As if that will heal the wounds, and erase the scars.
Okay, so now you are gone and its been only a few weeks. And I cry every night to keep from those terrible dreams. I've never felt such pain, such agony in my soul. Without you everything is empty and nothing is whole. All I have ever longed for was a true love, one that would heal what was broken, love me as I am.
All that you offer me is a slow, pain filled death. One that would know no joy filled moment, not one loving gaze or one special kiss. And I would give up everything for that! I would be willing to die for you, die that slow painful death and never enjoy those moments, just so that I could claim that you loved me again.