Censorship... my thoughts and opinions...

I will admit to living most of my existence in Censorship. I have always thought what I wanted to, written what I wanted to, but I have never spoken what I wanted to.

I grew up in a family where my mother would willingly listen to my opinions and thoughts and a step-father that would not (nor my real father for that matter, mainly because He was never around). Getting my dad's attention was next to impossible most of the time and my opinions did not matter if they were not exactly the same as his. I can even admit now that I was afraid of talking to my father at all, because I was afraid of getting yelled at or harshly critized for my opinions. I also had grandparents who threatened me with disownment for wanting to marry someone of a different race (My mother's mother it was Black people, my step-father's mother it was Asians). And a whole side of my family who was prejudiced against anyone who thought differently, dressed differently, acted differently or worshipped differently. (In case you are curious, in my opinion, Prejudice is just a different type of Censorship.)

Censorship: It says, "You are not allowed to do this, be this, say this, because it is different. Because different is wrong". BUT WHAT MAKES DIFFERENT WRONG?! What's wrong with a 10 year old so passionately in love with anyone's history and Civil Rights and trying on her Japanese friend's Kimono that she has to be disowned? That when she brings a black baby doll over to "Grandma's" house that she gets a scolding or worse?

Not only that, but censorship often follows gender as well. As a woman, I am not allowed to have an opinion, as a woman I am not allowed to do this or do that. I can't be on a pro football team because I could never be as strong as the men. But woman is strong enough to endure childbirth, strong enough to endure the abuses that everyday life heaps on her, but she can't do this because she is Woman. A 15 year old woman shouldn't wish that she was a man, just so that her voice will be heard. A young woman should never feel that by being a man she is free.

Fawny asked me if I ever felt like my thoughts and opinions were censored because I'm a woman. I would have to say yes. I grew up in a family that didn't prize women for who they were. Women are not prized in our family, I do not believe that they ever have been and probably never will be. Not only that, but when I was young I attended a church that pounded into my brain that as a woman my lot in life was to do all of the following:

1. Get married
2. Have Children
3. Obey my husband
4. Obey God

And that was it. That was supposed to be my life. Even my step-father admits now that the church we were at spiritually raped us. I would even go so far as to say that it is part of the occult and the pastor a cult leader. I remember at one point when I changed what I believed, decided that I no longer wanted to be a part of my parent's church. I wanted to be baptized into the Seventh Day Adventist church. My father instructed me to write the elders and the pastor to ask them for major differences in the two churches. One Elder responded to my e-mail as if I was an intelligent human being. The others ignored me or sent me messages that talked down to me, as if I was a child incapable of understanding. The pastor didn't even give me a proper response. He only said, "I agree with what Elder So-and-so has said to you." and that was it.

My question is: Why am I so AFRAID to express who I am on this blog? On this "MySpace" in general? Why am I scared of what you all think, when I should care about what I'm feeling and what I need to express to you all?
In my last blog I typed the word F**k and at first it looked just like how I typed it right there. After a talk with Fawny, I uncensored myself.

I realized, I have spent most of my life advocating for the right of people everywhere to express themselves, whether in "bad" words or otherwise. I hated being censored and so I wanted everyone else to have freedom. But I deny it for myself.

Now, "bad" words, just because I have to ask: Why are they "bad"? I had a friend once who flipped me off, and when I told him how that was wrong, he replied, "Why is it wrong when God made my finger? It's man who puts the definitions on things, defines my finger as bad. But God made my finger." And you know, He was RIGHT!! God did make my middle finger! Man does put his own definitions on things, on everything. Without thinking we censor everything by putting OUR defintions OUR ideas on them... We stifle everything.

It took me 19 years to realize that being a woman was a good thing. 19 long years to realize that Womanhood is Beautiful!! That I can do whatever I want, despite the fact that I'm a woman. I don't have to just marry, have children and die! And I'm happy to say that I am now proud of being a woman and who I am. I am who I am. And I shouldn't have to censor or change myself for other people. I don't want to offend people, well you know what, I will always be offensive to someone. And if they find me offensive, they shouldn't read my blogs or be my friend. I refuse to be censored any longer. By myself or anyone else.