5th Blog of the day... (ANGRY, again)

Sorry to all my people that subscribe. I just keep thinking of things that I want to blog about. *shrug*

Okay, so I talked to my mom today (as I do most days) and as most of you know by now, my mom and my step-father are going through a pretty nasty divorce. Well, attempting to go through a pretty nasty divorce. We began discussing how the divorce is affecting each of us in different emotional and physical ways.

As some of you may or may not know, My younger sister, Hannah Joy, has Tourette's Syndrome (No, she doesn't randomly shout cuss words! I get so sick of people asking me that. But believe it or not that only happens in about 2% of people that have Tourette's). As only a few who knew me when it happened know, Bad things happen when my sister gets into a bad spell. Last time she almost died from being to scared to eat (this was right after my grandfather passed away and at the luncheon afterward my cousin, Jonathan, almost joined him because he began to choke on something Hannah had given him to eat.) afraid that she would choke to death. Also with her Tourette's she has a tendency to repeat one phrase over and over "I'm Scared", during this time she will often check herself for a heartbeat and a fever, because to have a fever or to suddenly have her heart stop beating scares her the most. She had been doing really well since she almost died, she has gotten back to a healthy weight (even though she is still rather thin for her age) and had completely stopped saying she was scared. She had even gotten over her fear of storms, electric plug-ins, gunfire and other various things. According to mom, the behaviour has started again because of the stress with dad not living at home and the divorce going on.

Christopher has his own issues, but because my brother reads my blogs and would kill me, I'm not going to mention them here. But obviously the divorce and my dad's seeming disinterest in having anything more to do with us is affecting him as well. As much as he denies it, He too loves Dad.

Then there is me. When I'm overly stressed I have severe break outs all over my fingers. Which is both painful and itchy. This year has been especially horrific for that type of thing (i have even resorted to dipping my hands in Vodka to keep the itching to a minimum since my hands are basically open wounds and water blisters). Mom believes that all of these things are a sign from God saying that He doesn't want Wes and Her to be divorced. That He wants them to be together and for us to be a "family".

So what does my mother do? She calls my step-father. And "repents".
Yes, she "repented" of her sins and asked him to move back in and for the divorce proceedings to stop. If you could see me now you would be able to tell that i'm attempting to leash this anger that is welling up. My step-father's response, you may ask? "You have to prove to me that things will be different"

WHAT THE FUCK!? She has to PROVE to Him that things will be different?! My mother has to change so that he can keep acting like an asshole/jerk to her. She has to accomodate him, not be as "nagging" or "disrespectful" to him. Show him LOVE and then, maybe she will receive it. Which makes NO sense to me at all. Mom says, "Men never change". Which isn't true. Men can change, but there is usually a woman willing to change just to keep him happy.

So my mom gets her husband back. What a shitty husband he is being right now. And don't get me wrong. The man raised me, took care of me for 15 of my 20 years, I love him very much, but Damn it all to Hell if I'm going to stand by and let him treat my mother like dirt!!! This isn't right, it isn't fair and until he changes I feel like they should proceed with the divorce. But thats just me... Maybe I'm the one in the wrong?

But then to top it all off, my mother went to go and see a pastor whom I have dubbed "The cult leader". A very charismatic man who led the church that I grew up in. She went and spoke with him. I don't understand her reasons, but she did. She said it was painful to talk to him, but that he spoke truth to her and that he was right. I don't understand why she would even want to go anywhere near him after all the stuff that that church put us through, but oh well.

Sorry to unleash my anger and frustration out on you all, but I just can't get over the fact that SHE has to change because HE won't. That isn't right.
I refuse to change who I am to accommodate someone who obviously doesn't love me enough to make an effort to change on his part. If that means I never marry, so be it. If that means I never date again, so be it. But I Refuse to be treated like my mom has allowed herself to be treated. We deserve better. And how can any young boys grow up to respect women if the women aren't willing to take a stand for themselves? How can little boys grow up to be anything but Assholes if they see their fathers doing it and Mom letting it happen!?

Men can change, they just don't want to. And women make it possible for them never to have to.