- Mood:
Dead
- Listening to: Donnie talk
- Drinking: Dr. Pepper.
So that everyone knows. Hope everything is okay with everyone else
Sarai
Monday, July 28, 2008
Alive... (dA)
Journal Entry: Mon Jul 28, 2008, 5:19 PM
So that everyone knows. Hope everything is okay with everyone else
Sarai
So that everyone knows. Hope everything is okay with everyone else
Sarai
Crazy Me
Okay, I totally wrote out an entire blog about my topic of Famous People, that I was going to post today!! BUT, I accidentally left it at home, meaning that I can't post it.
My pictures that were on Ryan's phone have been deleted. *Sigh* I didn't get them off before they got removed. But I have borrowed my step-father's camera and will be posting pictures of my hair soon. Obviously it is not as gloriously colourful now as it was then, but I'm sure that everyone will get over it. Sooner or later.
I seem to have misplaced my brain, so if anyone sees it (It should say "Property of Crazy Girl Sarai Lillie" on it) please SEND IT HOME!! I need it. And not to mention that I'm going absolutely insane here in Indiana.
Almost everyone wants me to stay here, but I don't want to. Then I get the whole situation of "You're running away from your problems". Truth of the matter is that I'm not trying to run away, but I can understand why it seems like that to some people.
No, I would rather not have to deal with all the shit going on here.
Yes, I would love to be back in Oklahoma right now, pretending that life is good even though it isn't.
But I think it says a lot about me that I am here and not there. I think that my being here shows that I am not running away from my problems. I am facing them as best I can. Including the whole deal with my step-father. I have decided not to confront him full on. That would be stupidity on my part. I have decided instead that I will write every thing out in a letter and I will give it to him. I know this isn't the kind of "confrontation" that Fawn wants, but I need to do this my way. Not anyone elses. And my way is to write it out and not cuss him out. In the end I think it will show how mature I am if I don't cuss rather than if I do. And I think in this kind of situation maturity is the better road.
In other news, I'm tired. Literally exhausted. I almost wen to the ER the other night because my asthma is acting up so bad that I can't sleep because I can't breathe. Breathing may be overrated, but I have found that it is vital sometimes.
Well, I have to get back to work, will post pictures sooner or later. Hopefully sooner!! Love you all. KEEP PRAYING FOR ME!!!
Sarai
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Things I want to Achieve before going home...
1. Weight loss. I'm doing fairly well actually, I've lost 15lbs (about 7kilograms), which is good. But I definitely want to lose more. Surprisingly, I'm actually happy with how I look. My clothes are fitting better and I am not as self-conscious as I used to be. Yay!!
2. Money. Yes, I know, money is the root of all evil. But lets face it, one cannot live in today's soceity without some kind of income. So, I want to work my tail off until I get enough money saved to:
A) Go back to Oklahoma
B) Have some left over once I get back to OK.
3. Say what I need to say to Wes (aka: My step-father) so that I know that I've spoken my peace. I want to do it in a way that won't cause me to be banned from seeing my little sister, though.
4. Come to terms with the fact that I love men and I'm terrified of them. This is the biggest one... And I'm not even sure how to achieve it before I get back to OK.
5. Start saving money for that trip to Japan I want to take.
Thats all for now, if I think of anymore, I will definitely write more. Well, when I have more time. Still busy as a demon in hell. *sigh*
I know I promised a blog about "Famous" People, but that is still in the works. Soon, I will post it though. Promise!!
Love, Sarai
Monday, July 21, 2008
Losing Hannah (dA)
Journal Entry: Mon Jul 21, 2008, 5:35 PM
On friday he stole the apartment from us.
On saturday he took Hannah from her friend's house and didn't even tell mom.
On sunday Hannah seemed withdrawn and upset. And today I haven't seen her. To anyone who may pray, pray that everything works out. We still have a chance to get her back, but God only knows if we will.
- Mood:
Unheard
- Listening to: my life fall down the drain
On friday he stole the apartment from us.
On saturday he took Hannah from her friend's house and didn't even tell mom.
On sunday Hannah seemed withdrawn and upset. And today I haven't seen her. To anyone who may pray, pray that everything works out. We still have a chance to get her back, but God only knows if we will.
Losing Hannah (and other Updates)
HELLO TO MY SUBSCRIBERS!!! Its been a while!
Ryan and I arrived semi-safely on Monday (July 14th) at about 9pm (well, thats what time we got into Spencer, Indiana). We had many interesting conversations on the way back, which was really nice. We talked about politics and religion, and Ryan asked me many questions about my beliefs on certain things. It was really nice.
We were almost killed twice on the way here (though Ryan says that is a little melodramatic on my part). The first time we almost died we were in Arkansas (btw, why is it pronounced Are-can-saw? Why not Are-can-sis?!). We were going about 90 miles per hour (which was 10 miles over the speed limit of 80mph) and this car cuts us off (without using a turn signal) and brakes. We almost hit them, and at the angle we would've hit, Ryan and I would've spun and crashed into the semi next to us. You can use your imagination to figure out what would've happened then. The second time we were in Missouri (I hate Missouri, btw) and this van cuts us off without a signal and we almost hit her. I was actually on the phone talking to Fawn when this happened.
But we lived and made it to Indiana. It was a very long trip.
My mother didn't like my hair at first. Though she is getting used to it now. Every day a little more pink and purple wash out and it turns more blonde. I promise that the pictures will be up soon!! I have to steal Ryan's phone so that I can download the pics.
I've barely had any time to settle in since I've gotten here. My week has gone like this:
Tuesday: I went with Mom, Hannah, Chris and Chris' friends, Donnie and Jaime to the Monroe County Library. Where we dropped Chris, Donnie and Jaime off for an Anime Convention. Later we had my coming home/Chris' 18th birthday party at the Mall. Then we went to a Mexican Restuarant, El Nortena, to play chess.
Wednesday: I spent the day with Sarah Jo and her new boyfriend (well, her first real boyfriend), Stephen, walking around Bloomington.
Thursday and Friday: I worked.
Saturday (Sabbath): I went to church and spent the day with Sarah Jo, Stephen, Ethan, Nathan, Andrew and Sonya. We also went (as a youth group) to visit my friend, John. He was in a major car accident recently and we went to see him. He broke his leg and a finger, he was pretty banged up when we saw him. One of his friends was killed in the accident.
and Sunday: I went with Mom, Chris, Hannah, Donnie and Donnie's Sister to play chess again. Also so that my mother could introduce me to a young gentleman (Yes, my mom is trying to set me up with someone). I played 3 games total; two against my mom and one against another gentleman. I'm rather rusty, so I lost all three. The young gentleman's name is Jimmy and he is in 5 bands (he apparently plays guitar, drums and keyboard). And he is half Korean. I think thats why mom wanted to set me up with him, because I seem to be solely enamoured with Asian men of recent.
Thats how busy I've been!! And this week I'm going to be even busier!!
Today (Monday): I have worked.
Tuesday: I work
Wednesday: I work
Thursday: I work.
Friday: I'm supposed to hang out with JD
Sabbath: I'm supposed to go to church and meet Amish people (per Ethan's request)
and Sunday: I'm supposed to play chess again.
Updates:
My mom now has 2 jobs!! She is working at Chamber's Smorgasbord (in Spencer) and Indiana University (in Bloomington). She just got the job at IU, she had the interview on Thursday. Thursday is also the day that everything began going incredibly wrong!!
While I was at work on Thursday (July 17th) and mom was in her interview with IU, a message was left on our answering machine saying that Wes, my step-father, had been awarded custody of Hannah. The reason, apparently, is because of my mom's depression (which is discrimination, by the way). Not only that, but for a while, Wes was trying to make my mom pay HIM Child Support!! Isn't that unbelievable?! He doesn't want to pay for his child, but he wants to force my mom to. Luckily, the court said she didn't have to because at the time she didn't have a job.
Thankfully it isn't over. Because the divorce hasn't been finalized my mom still has a chance to present her side of the story and get Hannah back. Prayer would be much appreciated in this matter!
So Thursday was bad. Then Friday got worse. On Friday, Wes came over to drop off liscence plates and money he owed mom for said plates. Mom went to go and take Chris to summer school and while she was gone, Wes went to the leasing office and renewed the apartment's lease. For himself. So when mom went over to renew the lease she found that out. We were then told that we have to be out by July 31st, making us officially homeless. The good news is that Whomever controls this universe decided that they like us and has sent people to our rescue. People have offered us housing and other necessities to help us until things get settled out.
Then on Saturday, Hannah was supposed to spend the night with her friend, Maddie. Mom was working at Chambers and I was at Church. Wes went over to Maddie's and told Maddie's mom that he has custody of Hannah and that he is taking her to his house. He then proceeds to tell her that he will bring her back the next night for her to baby-sit so that he can start his new work shift (10:30pm to 6:30am). He didn't call mom or discuss any of this with her at all. Though the paperwork said that they were supposed to discuss some kind of a transition for Hannah. Maddie says that Hannah was very upset when Wes picked her up and seemed unwilling to go with him.
On Sunday, Mom took some of Hannah's things to her so that she would have some of her stuff. When I saw her she seemed to be withdrawn and upset. She acted like she did when she was little. When she was younger she would cling to me and not want me to go places if she was upset. She sat on my lap and hugged onto my neck like the world was about to end.
Because we were over at Wes' house (in Spencer) I saw him. I asked him what he thought of my hair. His response was "Its hair". I said that it was much different from when I left. About 10 minutes passed and he askes, "How much did it cost?"
Prayer that Hannah doesn't revert back to not eating (like she did when her grandfather died) would be much appreciated as well. We almost lost her that time, I don't want her to go through that again.
Everything, as you can tell, is just in a general uproar here.
I keep listening to "Utakata" by Kagrra, and its making me homesick. Except I have no idea where home is. I feel homeless, even though I currently have a place to live. I have a house, but no home. "Utakata" is home to me, I guess.
I know it could just be me, but I feel so messed up right now. I have tried to listen to Gackt (usually his songs make me feel better), I tried to think about how awesome my pants are going to be when they are done, I try to stay busy (which isn't hard here), but I keep coming back to two emotions: Homesickness and Loneliness.
I miss Fawn and Arlin, I miss my Memere, I miss people who have never spoken/written to me, but read my blogs. I'm homesick for the ocean, I'm homesick for Japan (which makes the least amount of sense to me considering that I've never been there!), I'm homesick for when the times I felt at home here in Indiana. So many emotions that make no sense to me!! I'm homesick for a place to call home and, surrounded by people, I'm completely alone.
Then there is my health which has hit a downward spiral. My iron levels are extremely low, I'm actually really worried about it. Why are my iron levels low, you may ask? Well, lets just say that you don't want to know. Not only that, but I fell the other day (July 16th) and almost broke my knee cap. Instead I scrapped my hands, hurt my shoulder, scrapped my left knee all to hell and scrapped my chest. Concrete does not a good cushion make.
Everything that could go wrong does go wrong perfectly describes the situation here.
I am really in the mood to watch "Battle Royale 2" or "Ju-on: The Grudge 2", but neither of them are with me. They are both with Fawn! Oh well.
You know what hurts the most about this whole messed up situation? The fact that Wes didn't care enough to call me back (I left him a message on Monday when I got to my Mom's house) to ask about my trip. He said he was to busy to call. He is such a liar.
I'm tired of his bullshit. Its not worth it anymore. After I speak my peace (which will result in a fight, I know), I don't think I will talk to him anymore except when I'm around Hannah. I just can't deal with him anymore. It hurts to much and he isn't the man that raised me. I was realizing recently that I knew it was the end Christmas '07. I knew it wasn't him anymore. Because at Christmas he introduced me to someone as his Step-daughter. When for the past 14 years he had always introduced me as his daughter.
*Sigh*
Well this has turned into a very long/very depressing blog. At least you all have been updated.
Coming Soon: I will be posting a blog about "Famous" People. It should prove ineresting, but considering I have talked so much already I'm going to stop for now.
If anyone has any questions about anything leave me a message/comment and I will get back to you.
Love to all.
Sarai
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Toto, I don’t think we’re in Oklahoma anymore!!
In about 7 hours, I will be on my way to Indiana with my friend, Ryan. We plan on leaving at about 7 (or 7:30am). It is now almost Midnight.
I need to finish packing up what I'm taking with me and making sure that the rest of my stuff is packed up in case Fawn and Arlin get us moved to some place better before I get back.
A poem is called to mind, one by Robert Frost that I used to have memorized when I was in school. "And miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep." I don't really know whether to be excited about going back to Indiana, or worried... or a combination of the two. I don't want to be caught in the middle of World War III (aka: My Parent's Divorce), but I want to be there for them if they need me. I guess, I have to come to the realization that I can't please them both, just like I can't please everyone else. *shrug*
Update on my hair: It is now pink, purple and blonde. The pink and purple will wash out soon and then I will be back to just blonde. Which, I think, I look good as a blonde.
though Ryan says I lose 15 IQ points... *giggle*
Update on Fawn's Health: Tomorrow she goes in for another MRI. By the time she gets out, I'll be miles away, riding towards Indiana.
No idea when I'm going to get back to Oklahoma. I am hoping for some time in September, because I would really like to start some college classes at St. Gregory's Private College. But who knows where the wind will take me, or where this butterfly was meant to land. All I know is that I need to figure out some kind of plan/idea of what I want to do with my life.
I think I'm still kicking around the idea of being an Actress in Japan. Do you think they would hire a caucasian girl? I just feel like they have better/deeper ideas in Asia. Has anyone ever seen an Asian Film? Well I know my Asian subscribers have, but if you watch an Asian film, like Pray or Ju-on: The Grudge 2, they have some intense plots and ideas. The emotions are fantastic and not everything is about sex like in American films. I get so tired of sex being "love" in American films. At any rate, Me as an actress in Japan... Still thinking about it.
In the meantime, I'm still writing and still trying to get an education and still looking for a job. Speaking of, Good News!! My mom got a job! Its at Chamber's Smorgasbord in Spencer Indiana as a waitress. Actually where she is working is right next door to Book Heaven Book Store which is where I used to work (and will be working at again, whilst in Indiana).
Okay, so I have to go, bunches of stuff to get done before I go to bed and before tomorrow can "officially" begin.
Don't know when I'll be back online, because currently my mom's computer has died and my step-father has taken the other computer for himself. BTW, for those who don't know, Divorces are MESSY. If you don't think you will stay together (I know everyone thinks they will stay together when they first get together), then don't get married. Its not only rough on you and your spouse, but excessively stressful on any children you might have. Consider the future generations.
Ta ta for now!!
I need to finish packing up what I'm taking with me and making sure that the rest of my stuff is packed up in case Fawn and Arlin get us moved to some place better before I get back.
A poem is called to mind, one by Robert Frost that I used to have memorized when I was in school. "And miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep." I don't really know whether to be excited about going back to Indiana, or worried... or a combination of the two. I don't want to be caught in the middle of World War III (aka: My Parent's Divorce), but I want to be there for them if they need me. I guess, I have to come to the realization that I can't please them both, just like I can't please everyone else. *shrug*
Update on my hair: It is now pink, purple and blonde. The pink and purple will wash out soon and then I will be back to just blonde. Which, I think, I look good as a blonde.
though Ryan says I lose 15 IQ points... *giggle*Update on Fawn's Health: Tomorrow she goes in for another MRI. By the time she gets out, I'll be miles away, riding towards Indiana.
No idea when I'm going to get back to Oklahoma. I am hoping for some time in September, because I would really like to start some college classes at St. Gregory's Private College. But who knows where the wind will take me, or where this butterfly was meant to land. All I know is that I need to figure out some kind of plan/idea of what I want to do with my life.
I think I'm still kicking around the idea of being an Actress in Japan. Do you think they would hire a caucasian girl? I just feel like they have better/deeper ideas in Asia. Has anyone ever seen an Asian Film? Well I know my Asian subscribers have, but if you watch an Asian film, like Pray or Ju-on: The Grudge 2, they have some intense plots and ideas. The emotions are fantastic and not everything is about sex like in American films. I get so tired of sex being "love" in American films. At any rate, Me as an actress in Japan... Still thinking about it.
In the meantime, I'm still writing and still trying to get an education and still looking for a job. Speaking of, Good News!! My mom got a job! Its at Chamber's Smorgasbord in Spencer Indiana as a waitress. Actually where she is working is right next door to Book Heaven Book Store which is where I used to work (and will be working at again, whilst in Indiana).
Okay, so I have to go, bunches of stuff to get done before I go to bed and before tomorrow can "officially" begin.
Don't know when I'll be back online, because currently my mom's computer has died and my step-father has taken the other computer for himself. BTW, for those who don't know, Divorces are MESSY. If you don't think you will stay together (I know everyone thinks they will stay together when they first get together), then don't get married. Its not only rough on you and your spouse, but excessively stressful on any children you might have. Consider the future generations.
Ta ta for now!!
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Screwed up... (dA)
Journal Entry: Sat Jul 12, 2008, 7:27 PM
Oh well, I'll survive, its not like I'm going to die or anything. My hair will grow out and I'll be able to fix it. I only screwed up the colour, other than that my hair seems to be handling the dye job very well.
*sigh*
Sarai
- Mood:
Shame
- Listening to: Silence
- Eating: Burritos
- Drinking: Water/Kool-Aid
Oh well, I'll survive, its not like I'm going to die or anything. My hair will grow out and I'll be able to fix it. I only screwed up the colour, other than that my hair seems to be handling the dye job very well.
*sigh*
Sarai
A Train Wreck
My hair.
A train wreck.
A disaster. Can Arlin Fix it? Or will I be doomed to look like this FOREVER?! (well, that is until my hair grows out.)
I started out blonde (should've stayed with it.), Then we began the purple process. Found out we didn't have enough of the purple hair dye. So Ryan and Fawn run to the store to get me more purple passion by Beyond the Zone. They were OUT! And nothing came close to matching.
So then I'm like, fine pick up some more bleach and I'll just re-bleach my hair (poor hair). Well I am now waiting... my head is burning, and my hair is turning pink. PINK!! Not blonde, PINK. *sigh*
I always wanted to look hide like, but gods, this is frustrating!!! *rips scalp off of head*
Okay, i'm going to go see if its time to remove this burning from my head. Later.
A train wreck.
A disaster. Can Arlin Fix it? Or will I be doomed to look like this FOREVER?! (well, that is until my hair grows out.)
I started out blonde (should've stayed with it.), Then we began the purple process. Found out we didn't have enough of the purple hair dye. So Ryan and Fawn run to the store to get me more purple passion by Beyond the Zone. They were OUT! And nothing came close to matching.
So then I'm like, fine pick up some more bleach and I'll just re-bleach my hair (poor hair). Well I am now waiting... my head is burning, and my hair is turning pink. PINK!! Not blonde, PINK. *sigh*
I always wanted to look hide like, but gods, this is frustrating!!! *rips scalp off of head*
Okay, i'm going to go see if its time to remove this burning from my head. Later.
I am a Blonde. Literally.
I AM A BLONDE!!!! I have blonde hair, never thought I'd live to see the day that I had golden curls, but I do. Tis all part of my getting what I want: Dark Purple hair with 2 inches of Ivory tips. 
Today we partially complete the process and I get my purple. I'll most likely have to wait until I get back from Indiana to take care of the Ivory tips, because I have to find a bluing agent that will fight the yellow that comes with bleaching. *shrug* no biggie, my family is already going to flip. But I love it.
I'm almost thinking of keeping my blonde hair. My aunt, Carmen, always said that I wouldn't look good as a blonde, but you know, I think I do.
I know, you all are bored by now ("God, we don't want to read about Sarai's hair!"). I don't exactly know what all is going on today, something was said about going to the mall. I know that in about an hour I'm doing the purple for my hair, from there I have no clue what will happen.
So, How is everyone else in my subscribers land? Send me a message, let me know how you are doing, or what you are up to!! You don't even have to send it here, you can send it to my e-mail:
broken_rivers@Hotmail.com
Have a lovely day, ladies and gents!!
Today we partially complete the process and I get my purple. I'll most likely have to wait until I get back from Indiana to take care of the Ivory tips, because I have to find a bluing agent that will fight the yellow that comes with bleaching. *shrug* no biggie, my family is already going to flip. But I love it.
I'm almost thinking of keeping my blonde hair. My aunt, Carmen, always said that I wouldn't look good as a blonde, but you know, I think I do.
I know, you all are bored by now ("God, we don't want to read about Sarai's hair!"). I don't exactly know what all is going on today, something was said about going to the mall. I know that in about an hour I'm doing the purple for my hair, from there I have no clue what will happen.
So, How is everyone else in my subscribers land? Send me a message, let me know how you are doing, or what you are up to!! You don't even have to send it here, you can send it to my e-mail:
broken_rivers@Hotmail.com
Have a lovely day, ladies and gents!!
Friday, July 11, 2008
The Purple Hair LIVES!! (dA)
Journal Entry: Fri Jul 11, 2008, 11:58 AM
At 5pm today (my time) I will be getting my hair dyed purple!!! *dances* I'm SO excited.
After much tribulation trying to get dye and so on, I had finally got it and will have purple hair sometime today. Obviously I will take pictures and will post them on here when they are done. SO EXCITED!!!
BTW: Everyone should go and check out my friend DaYog's page. He is gone this weekend, and I really want him to have an inbox full of messages/favorites!!!
[link]
Still haven't finished my pants, They might not get done until after i get back from Indiana at this rate. And I'm leaving on Monday. I don't know how often I'll be online, but I'll try to make sure that everyone is updated.
much love to you all!!
Sarai
- Mood:
Eager
- Listening to: Silence
- Eating: Popcorn
- Drinking: Water/Kool-Aid
At 5pm today (my time) I will be getting my hair dyed purple!!! *dances* I'm SO excited.
After much tribulation trying to get dye and so on, I had finally got it and will have purple hair sometime today. Obviously I will take pictures and will post them on here when they are done. SO EXCITED!!!
BTW: Everyone should go and check out my friend DaYog's page. He is gone this weekend, and I really want him to have an inbox full of messages/favorites!!!
[link]
Still haven't finished my pants, They might not get done until after i get back from Indiana at this rate. And I'm leaving on Monday. I don't know how often I'll be online, but I'll try to make sure that everyone is updated.
much love to you all!!
Sarai
Paying Respects, 4 more days and Videos!!
4 more days until I'm in Indiana (aka: Hell). Its not that I don't like Indiana, cause I do. Its a beautiful state. And I have some really good friends there, but I can't live there. Which is actually, quite sucky.
Moving on. Today was a more solemn/sad day for us. What happened was, all of us (Fawn, Arlin, Ryan and I) drove up to Oklahoma City because Fawn and Arlin had a court appearance. On the way to the courthouse, Ryan and I passed a graveyard with a huge, open, mausoleum and we decided to go and check it out. Well, this was more on my part, Ryan feels that it is somewhat disrespectful to go into cemeteries.
Anyway, we go and we eat lunch in the cemetery, just paying respect and spending sometime with some folks who might not get many visitors now. We ate with a 9 year-old boy, a 101 year old man and two others, a man and a woman, but I don't remember their ages. It was very pleasant, since it was sunny and there was a nice breeze and we were seated under a tree. This may seem weird, but I enjoyed it very much. It was a good lunch, because it was peaceful, it didn't feel like these people were angry and wanting to hurt us like in the last cemetery I was in.
After lunch, we gathered up our containers and thanked the people for letting us visit with them. Then we got into the car and began to drive around, to head back toward the mausoleum, which we were going to explore. (once again, that was more my idea. I have a facsination with the dead.)
As we are driving around, we see one section of the cemetery marked "Babyland". We stopped and looked at one another, then said, "We should visit the babies". We parked the car and got out and walked over to the smaller plot of ground. There was a sidewalk, in the shape of a heart, around the small little graves. These babies didn't have headstones, but plaques set in place. Some had flowers, some had toys, some were bare.
Walking around, we read the names out loud and then started cleaning up some. There were parts of this small section that had trash, empty juice bottles and pieces of paper. The flowers had fallen over and some of the toys had been messed with. We set things straight and brushed the mown grass off of most of the headstones. I wanted to find a place with flowers so that the bare ones could have some, but we didn't get to.
There was one grave in particular that the stone was completely destroyed. The name and dates were in-decipherable. Which really bothers me. I don't know why, but it felt like it wasn't fair that this particular child didn't even have a stone plaque that would let people know that they had lived at one point.
One of my friends told me today that she doesn't like graveyards, they scare her because she is always afraid someone is going to follow her home. Well, I have to be honest, they do follow you home, in one way or another. Not always in spirit form, sometimes in memories and thoughts. For me, that child, their stone completely destroyed, will stay with me. That is something I'm going to remember. That was someone's baby at one time, someone's everything. And now, they don't even have a stone or flowers or a toy. When I come back from Indiana I'm going to make another trip out to OKC so that I can place some flowers on that baby's grave.
My friend, Sam, says we did good by cleaning up. I don't know. I feel like we could've done more.
The mausoleum, by the way, was huge and amazing. Some areas smelled like rotting corpses (hmm, I wonder why), but mainly it smelled like baby powder. Which is such an odd smell, to me, to have in a place of death. Something that, to me, smells of life and birth has now become associated with the smell of death and marble halls full of names and flowers and dates.
Once again, as we were leaving, I thanked them for allowing us to visit (I feel its respectful to thank the dead). Ryan made fun of me for this. He says they have no choice but to let us visit them. They are just laying there. I think that if they didn't want us there, they would find a way to get rid of us. The dead have their own ways to dealing with strangers and unwanted persons.
I wish we could've visited Korea Town while we were in OKC, but we didn't have time. Though, before court we did get to see the mall. Well, one of them. It was huge and Ryan and I rode the escalators. I love escalators!! And I saw a cute Pakastani. Though, Fawn found him to be ugly.
Oh, and today we picked up some purple passion hair dye. For me. Yes, you read right. For me. I'm dying my hair purple and white. Strange I know, but I want to. I'm only young once right? And I've never dyed my hair before. I kind of am hesitant about the fact that I have to bleach my hair to get it to work, but I think it will be okay. The lady said it won't damage my naturally curly hair, which is good, because I just got to the point where I like my curls. Fawn says that it will take a lot of bleach because of my hair being so incredibly dark. She said she would almost call it Asian Black-Blue. Which seems strange to me. *shrug*
I'm also considering an eyebrow piercing to go along with my nose (when I get it done). Thats still floating around, maybe, maybe not. I do know that some things I want to wait until I've lost more weight, eyebrows (though they have nothing to do with weight loss) maybe be one of those things that I wait for. To redefine, Sarai when the time comes. I don't know.
Now, as to my last topic: Videos. Ryan's phone has a recording option. Fawn and I went hog-wild with this option and shot several videos. We will figure out a way to upload them, because they are funny and I want to keep those memories on here, if at all possible. They were mostly to celebrate Fawn's birthday which is today (July 11th). She is 28 years old. I am reminded of something my Memere (mem - may) said to my mom once in a birthday card.
She was remarking on how my mother was 36, I believe, and she said that one of her sisters was in her 60's. She said, "Does that make you feel very young, dear?" I don't know why it makes me think of that, but it does. I hope to get to California soon, so that I can go and visit her grave and enjoy lunch with her and Pepere (pep - pay). I miss them both so much.
Well, I think that is all for now. I will write more later on the latest developments with my hair and a b-day scavenger hunt we are holding at the mall for Fawn. Plus I have to do laundry so that I won't have to go back to Indiana naked. Which would be awkward...
Moving on. Today was a more solemn/sad day for us. What happened was, all of us (Fawn, Arlin, Ryan and I) drove up to Oklahoma City because Fawn and Arlin had a court appearance. On the way to the courthouse, Ryan and I passed a graveyard with a huge, open, mausoleum and we decided to go and check it out. Well, this was more on my part, Ryan feels that it is somewhat disrespectful to go into cemeteries.
Anyway, we go and we eat lunch in the cemetery, just paying respect and spending sometime with some folks who might not get many visitors now. We ate with a 9 year-old boy, a 101 year old man and two others, a man and a woman, but I don't remember their ages. It was very pleasant, since it was sunny and there was a nice breeze and we were seated under a tree. This may seem weird, but I enjoyed it very much. It was a good lunch, because it was peaceful, it didn't feel like these people were angry and wanting to hurt us like in the last cemetery I was in.
After lunch, we gathered up our containers and thanked the people for letting us visit with them. Then we got into the car and began to drive around, to head back toward the mausoleum, which we were going to explore. (once again, that was more my idea. I have a facsination with the dead.)
As we are driving around, we see one section of the cemetery marked "Babyland". We stopped and looked at one another, then said, "We should visit the babies". We parked the car and got out and walked over to the smaller plot of ground. There was a sidewalk, in the shape of a heart, around the small little graves. These babies didn't have headstones, but plaques set in place. Some had flowers, some had toys, some were bare.
Walking around, we read the names out loud and then started cleaning up some. There were parts of this small section that had trash, empty juice bottles and pieces of paper. The flowers had fallen over and some of the toys had been messed with. We set things straight and brushed the mown grass off of most of the headstones. I wanted to find a place with flowers so that the bare ones could have some, but we didn't get to.
There was one grave in particular that the stone was completely destroyed. The name and dates were in-decipherable. Which really bothers me. I don't know why, but it felt like it wasn't fair that this particular child didn't even have a stone plaque that would let people know that they had lived at one point.
One of my friends told me today that she doesn't like graveyards, they scare her because she is always afraid someone is going to follow her home. Well, I have to be honest, they do follow you home, in one way or another. Not always in spirit form, sometimes in memories and thoughts. For me, that child, their stone completely destroyed, will stay with me. That is something I'm going to remember. That was someone's baby at one time, someone's everything. And now, they don't even have a stone or flowers or a toy. When I come back from Indiana I'm going to make another trip out to OKC so that I can place some flowers on that baby's grave.
My friend, Sam, says we did good by cleaning up. I don't know. I feel like we could've done more.
The mausoleum, by the way, was huge and amazing. Some areas smelled like rotting corpses (hmm, I wonder why), but mainly it smelled like baby powder. Which is such an odd smell, to me, to have in a place of death. Something that, to me, smells of life and birth has now become associated with the smell of death and marble halls full of names and flowers and dates.
Once again, as we were leaving, I thanked them for allowing us to visit (I feel its respectful to thank the dead). Ryan made fun of me for this. He says they have no choice but to let us visit them. They are just laying there. I think that if they didn't want us there, they would find a way to get rid of us. The dead have their own ways to dealing with strangers and unwanted persons.
I wish we could've visited Korea Town while we were in OKC, but we didn't have time. Though, before court we did get to see the mall. Well, one of them. It was huge and Ryan and I rode the escalators. I love escalators!!
And I saw a cute Pakastani. Though, Fawn found him to be ugly.Oh, and today we picked up some purple passion hair dye. For me. Yes, you read right. For me. I'm dying my hair purple and white. Strange I know, but I want to. I'm only young once right? And I've never dyed my hair before. I kind of am hesitant about the fact that I have to bleach my hair to get it to work, but I think it will be okay. The lady said it won't damage my naturally curly hair, which is good, because I just got to the point where I like my curls. Fawn says that it will take a lot of bleach because of my hair being so incredibly dark. She said she would almost call it Asian Black-Blue. Which seems strange to me. *shrug*
I'm also considering an eyebrow piercing to go along with my nose (when I get it done). Thats still floating around, maybe, maybe not. I do know that some things I want to wait until I've lost more weight, eyebrows (though they have nothing to do with weight loss) maybe be one of those things that I wait for. To redefine, Sarai when the time comes. I don't know.
Now, as to my last topic: Videos. Ryan's phone has a recording option. Fawn and I went hog-wild with this option and shot several videos. We will figure out a way to upload them, because they are funny and I want to keep those memories on here, if at all possible. They were mostly to celebrate Fawn's birthday which is today (July 11th). She is 28 years old. I am reminded of something my Memere (mem - may) said to my mom once in a birthday card.
She was remarking on how my mother was 36, I believe, and she said that one of her sisters was in her 60's. She said, "Does that make you feel very young, dear?" I don't know why it makes me think of that, but it does. I hope to get to California soon, so that I can go and visit her grave and enjoy lunch with her and Pepere (pep - pay). I miss them both so much.
Well, I think that is all for now. I will write more later on the latest developments with my hair and a b-day scavenger hunt we are holding at the mall for Fawn. Plus I have to do laundry so that I won't have to go back to Indiana naked. Which would be awkward...
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Before anyone says anything...
Okay, I know that some people on my friends list are going to throw a fit about my latest pictures. There are some that are slightly risque. And yes, I showed a little to much clevage (not on purpose), I'm sorry if these offend you.
Ladies and Gents, all the people on my friends list (whether you read my blogs or not, it doesn't matter), this is IMPORTANT (so read carefully):
1. This is called "MySpace" for a reason. It is MY Space. I will post pictures that I want. I will post as many blogs as I want. I will do what I want, because this is MY Space!!
2. Yes, I'm sorry. I forgot to post a warning on my pictures. Yes, there is some sexual content. If you don't approve, don't go and look at them.
3. I do NOT exist solely to please people. I'm tired of getting trampled on and keeping things to myself because someone doesn't like what I have to say. Well, guess what, Not everyone is going to like everything I do!!! I can't be perfect and I'm tired of trying to be. Accept me as I am or kindly remove yourself from my friends list.
4. Don't preach at me about my pictures or my blogs not being who I am. Not the person you "know". People change over time. And not always for the better. On the whole, I will admit that I cuss a little more and I'm a little more perverted, but LIFE does that to you. Accept it. I'm pretty much the same Sarai that I have been for the past 20 years. I still care about my friends and my family, I still love reading, I still love watching movies and having fun. I still talk to much and giggle to loud and I still giggle-snort. So I say a few more cuss words, I'm 19 (almost 20) I have earned the right to say what I want. So I make a few more dirty jokes than I used to, that doesn't mean that I've lost my "descretion, deceny and dignity" (as one of my friends has so kindly pointed out). If you don't like me now, at my potential worst, then you don't deserve me at my best. Get over it.
5. I do not want to hear anymore complaints about how many blogs I'm posting, or how many pictures I'm uploading, or how many bulletins I'm doing. I have a lot of time on my hands right now, while looking for a job and when I get bored I do those things. If you don't like how many blogs I'm posting, unsubscribe from my blog. If you don't like how many pictures I'm posting, unsubscribe from my updates. If you don't like how many bulletins I'm posting, then delete me as a friend. It comes all down to decisions on your part!! Anymore complaints will be ignored and deleted. I'm done listening to it. I don't complain about how many blogs you are posting, or how many pics you are uploading or how many bulletins you are doing. So don't complain at me.
Now that you've read that, you need to make a decision.
A. Do you still want to be my friend and accept me as is and avoid things that might offend you?
or...
B. Do you want to try and force YOUR opinions and YOUR thoughts down My throat?
Let me say this now, if you are going to try for B, I'll delete you. I have spent my whole life being pushed around and having other people shove their opinions and their thoughts down my throat. I have been kind, I don't shove my views on anyone. My real friends know where I stand on every important issue. Because they cared to find out, not because I shoved my views down their throats. I believe in the freedom to think and believe what I want. You want to know my views and have an actual civilized discussion? Send me a message. Don't care about my opinions and just want to shove them on me? Remove yourself. I won't put up with it anymore. I am not going to be pushed around and shoved in the dirt. I get enough of that from my family. I don't need it from my "friends" too.
And just so everyone knows, I am about to descend into the depths of Hell going back to Indiana. Okay? I'm going back there and will be there, in the midst of all the crap flying between my parents. And my step-father is going to shove me in the middle. I'm going to have to deal with so much more than when I escaped. Not only that, but the past 3 months haven't been all sunshine and rainbows. Fawn has been sick, I have been sick, there have been fights and crying and wondering what we are going to eat because we have run out of food and money. We deserve to have some fun. We are due some good moments before the world turns dark and gloomy again. I am entitled to a few moments of happiness before I head back to Hell. So lay off of me!
Now, a small update: Fawn did NOT have a stroke. Thats the good news. Bad news, the doctors still don't know what is wrong. She is regaining some movement in her left side. Things were really touch and go for a while there. And yes, it was scary. She seems to be doing well right now actually. The doctor believes that because of the curvature of her spine, that it could be pinching a nerve which could explain the numbness. Hopefully that will get figured out soon. Continued prayers are still requested.
Ladies and Gents, all the people on my friends list (whether you read my blogs or not, it doesn't matter), this is IMPORTANT (so read carefully):
1. This is called "MySpace" for a reason. It is MY Space. I will post pictures that I want. I will post as many blogs as I want. I will do what I want, because this is MY Space!!
2. Yes, I'm sorry. I forgot to post a warning on my pictures. Yes, there is some sexual content. If you don't approve, don't go and look at them.
3. I do NOT exist solely to please people. I'm tired of getting trampled on and keeping things to myself because someone doesn't like what I have to say. Well, guess what, Not everyone is going to like everything I do!!! I can't be perfect and I'm tired of trying to be. Accept me as I am or kindly remove yourself from my friends list.
4. Don't preach at me about my pictures or my blogs not being who I am. Not the person you "know". People change over time. And not always for the better. On the whole, I will admit that I cuss a little more and I'm a little more perverted, but LIFE does that to you. Accept it. I'm pretty much the same Sarai that I have been for the past 20 years. I still care about my friends and my family, I still love reading, I still love watching movies and having fun. I still talk to much and giggle to loud and I still giggle-snort. So I say a few more cuss words, I'm 19 (almost 20) I have earned the right to say what I want. So I make a few more dirty jokes than I used to, that doesn't mean that I've lost my "descretion, deceny and dignity" (as one of my friends has so kindly pointed out). If you don't like me now, at my potential worst, then you don't deserve me at my best. Get over it.
5. I do not want to hear anymore complaints about how many blogs I'm posting, or how many pictures I'm uploading, or how many bulletins I'm doing. I have a lot of time on my hands right now, while looking for a job and when I get bored I do those things. If you don't like how many blogs I'm posting, unsubscribe from my blog. If you don't like how many pictures I'm posting, unsubscribe from my updates. If you don't like how many bulletins I'm posting, then delete me as a friend. It comes all down to decisions on your part!! Anymore complaints will be ignored and deleted. I'm done listening to it. I don't complain about how many blogs you are posting, or how many pics you are uploading or how many bulletins you are doing. So don't complain at me.
Now that you've read that, you need to make a decision.
A. Do you still want to be my friend and accept me as is and avoid things that might offend you?
or...
B. Do you want to try and force YOUR opinions and YOUR thoughts down My throat?
Let me say this now, if you are going to try for B, I'll delete you. I have spent my whole life being pushed around and having other people shove their opinions and their thoughts down my throat. I have been kind, I don't shove my views on anyone. My real friends know where I stand on every important issue. Because they cared to find out, not because I shoved my views down their throats. I believe in the freedom to think and believe what I want. You want to know my views and have an actual civilized discussion? Send me a message. Don't care about my opinions and just want to shove them on me? Remove yourself. I won't put up with it anymore. I am not going to be pushed around and shoved in the dirt. I get enough of that from my family. I don't need it from my "friends" too.
And just so everyone knows, I am about to descend into the depths of Hell going back to Indiana. Okay? I'm going back there and will be there, in the midst of all the crap flying between my parents. And my step-father is going to shove me in the middle. I'm going to have to deal with so much more than when I escaped. Not only that, but the past 3 months haven't been all sunshine and rainbows. Fawn has been sick, I have been sick, there have been fights and crying and wondering what we are going to eat because we have run out of food and money. We deserve to have some fun. We are due some good moments before the world turns dark and gloomy again. I am entitled to a few moments of happiness before I head back to Hell. So lay off of me!
Now, a small update: Fawn did NOT have a stroke. Thats the good news. Bad news, the doctors still don't know what is wrong. She is regaining some movement in her left side. Things were really touch and go for a while there. And yes, it was scary. She seems to be doing well right now actually. The doctor believes that because of the curvature of her spine, that it could be pinching a nerve which could explain the numbness. Hopefully that will get figured out soon. Continued prayers are still requested.
Friendship: Spanning Barriers for Centuries! (dA)
Journal Entry: Sun Jun 8, 2008, 4:33 PM
Today I am happy! I know, surprising, right? I'm hardly ever happy anymore, but today I am!
Why? You may be asking. Well, My newest friend, DaYog, paid me one of the greatest kindnesses. he updated his journal and posted the link to my site telling his watchers to come and check out my stuff. For this I am very Grateful! So, I'm going to return the favor. Not just to DaYog, but to all my friends on dA who have favorited my work, inspired me and left me cheerful comments even when I didn't feel cheerful. Thank you all SO much!!
DaYog [link]
Syphon27 [link]
Pocketface [link]
SatinRain [link]
drjimmymrjim [link]
SahTheDreamer [link]
Fangfingers [link]
and my dear
Callibre (who has recently returned from a LONG absence) [link]
Love to you all and thanks for the Support!!
Sarai
- Mood:
Joy
- Listening to: Madonna
- Reading: Drawing Blood by Poppy Z. Brite
- Watching: Old Boy, Sympathy for Mr. Vengence
- Eating: Mozzarella Sticks
- Drinking: Root Beer
Today I am happy! I know, surprising, right? I'm hardly ever happy anymore, but today I am!
Why? You may be asking. Well, My newest friend, DaYog, paid me one of the greatest kindnesses. he updated his journal and posted the link to my site telling his watchers to come and check out my stuff. For this I am very Grateful! So, I'm going to return the favor. Not just to DaYog, but to all my friends on dA who have favorited my work, inspired me and left me cheerful comments even when I didn't feel cheerful. Thank you all SO much!!
DaYog [link]
Syphon27 [link]
Pocketface [link]
SatinRain [link]
drjimmymrjim [link]
SahTheDreamer [link]
Fangfingers [link]
and my dear
Callibre (who has recently returned from a LONG absence) [link]
Love to you all and thanks for the Support!!
Sarai
Dawn of the Zombie Duckies!!!
Today was AWESOME!!!
Ryan arrived yesterday to visit me and, eventually, take me back to Indiana for my visit. We (Fawn, Ryan and I) went to the Shawnee Mall and had a whole bunch of fun.
The day included but was not limited to:
1. Zombie Duckies (HAHA!)
2. Giant Roosters
3. Massive amounts of laughter
4. My cleavage *blush*
5. 116 pictures of me (113 of which were uploading to a new photo folder)
6. Full body shots of me *sigh*
7. Taking pictures where we weren't allowed to (hee hee hee)
and...
8. Massive amounts of fun with my friends!!
Unfortunately, Arlin was unable to join us in our fun festivities. Because his sugar was far to high. But tomorrow he will be with us. Because we have to go back for more shenanigans ("Well, I'm already pregnant. What more shenanigans can I get into?" Quote from Juno. Which was an awesome movie, btw. You should check it out!!). There will be more pictures taken tomorrow, but for now you should check out the ones I have posted from todays events in the new folder "Our Day Out".
Thats my update for the day. We really needed today, as most of you already know, its been a rough few months. Hopefully tomorrow will be just as awesome as today was.
Later lovies!!
Ryan arrived yesterday to visit me and, eventually, take me back to Indiana for my visit. We (Fawn, Ryan and I) went to the Shawnee Mall and had a whole bunch of fun.
The day included but was not limited to:
1. Zombie Duckies (HAHA!)
2. Giant Roosters
3. Massive amounts of laughter
4. My cleavage *blush*
5. 116 pictures of me (113 of which were uploading to a new photo folder)
6. Full body shots of me *sigh*
7. Taking pictures where we weren't allowed to (hee hee hee)
and...
8. Massive amounts of fun with my friends!!
Unfortunately, Arlin was unable to join us in our fun festivities. Because his sugar was far to high. But tomorrow he will be with us. Because we have to go back for more shenanigans ("Well, I'm already pregnant. What more shenanigans can I get into?" Quote from Juno. Which was an awesome movie, btw. You should check it out!!). There will be more pictures taken tomorrow, but for now you should check out the ones I have posted from todays events in the new folder "Our Day Out".
Thats my update for the day. We really needed today, as most of you already know, its been a rough few months. Hopefully tomorrow will be just as awesome as today was.
Later lovies!!
Monday, July 7, 2008
Rain falls
Dancing, alone in the dark and forsaken by time.
The rain is falling, hard and fast, pushing me down.
The drops are needles that stab and tear me up.
How could such a beautiful day suddenly turn gray?
The curtain is closing, sweetheart. Take a bow, this
show is over, I can't take anymore. We were so
perfect together, so beautiful despite the ugliness
around us. But thats gone now, wasted and forgotten.
We are left in the dark, the emotions left open and
stark. We are so naked, lying back in gilded cages,
content to live our lives in captivity. If only we didn't
have to breathe, maybe we could survive this life.
The rain is falling, hard and fast, pushing me down.
The drops are needles that stab and tear me up.
How could such a beautiful day suddenly turn gray?
The curtain is closing, sweetheart. Take a bow, this
show is over, I can't take anymore. We were so
perfect together, so beautiful despite the ugliness
around us. But thats gone now, wasted and forgotten.
We are left in the dark, the emotions left open and
stark. We are so naked, lying back in gilded cages,
content to live our lives in captivity. If only we didn't
have to breathe, maybe we could survive this life.
Countdown... Part II (dA)
Journal Entry: Mon Jul 7, 2008, 12:34 AM 
I'm to tired to write much, but thought I would at least update everyone.
I am not going to have enough money to dye my hair before going back. Damn, i really wanted to shock my old-fashioned family with a nose piercing and dyed hair!! Oh well.
Soon, though. Soon!!!
And Manic Panic (as suggested by SahtheDreamer!) is what I will use... Purple and Ivory hair, here I come!!!
- Mood:
Emotional
- Listening to: Korn
- Reading: The Exquisite Corpse
- Eating: massive quantities of sugar!!
- Drinking: Protein shake... I know, exquisite irony in that!
I'm to tired to write much, but thought I would at least update everyone.
I am not going to have enough money to dye my hair before going back. Damn, i really wanted to shock my old-fashioned family with a nose piercing and dyed hair!! Oh well.
Soon, though. Soon!!!
And Manic Panic (as suggested by SahtheDreamer!) is what I will use... Purple and Ivory hair, here I come!!!
Saturday, July 5, 2008
In Love with You (07/04/08) (Sexual Content!!)
My arms crave you,
my body hungers for you,
my whole being calls out for yours.
Soul craves soul, devoured by need.
Heart hungers for heart, embraced by want.
Mind calls to mind, blinded by this longing.
How can I breathe without air?
How can this thirst be quenched?
I am yours, possessed and caged,
gladly, behind the bars of your love.
You are mine. Bound; heart to heart,
soul to soul, mind to mind. One.
I neither crave, or desire, any other but
you. How can one be forced back into
two separate beings?
I crave your kiss.
I hunger for your body next to mine.
I cry out for you. Beseechingly, I
call your name.
Come back to the heart that
loved you first and most.
my body hungers for you,
my whole being calls out for yours.
Soul craves soul, devoured by need.
Heart hungers for heart, embraced by want.
Mind calls to mind, blinded by this longing.
How can I breathe without air?
How can this thirst be quenched?
I am yours, possessed and caged,
gladly, behind the bars of your love.
You are mine. Bound; heart to heart,
soul to soul, mind to mind. One.
I neither crave, or desire, any other but
you. How can one be forced back into
two separate beings?
I crave your kiss.
I hunger for your body next to mine.
I cry out for you. Beseechingly, I
call your name.
Come back to the heart that
loved you first and most.
Been A While... (dA)
Journal Entry: Sat Jul 5, 2008, 12:19 AM
The pants have been laid aside for right now, because i need some things that I currently don't have... Like coloured sharpies...
I've been working on updating my poetry website (www.freewebs.com/dauntlesssparrow) you should check it out. *hint, hint*
Nothing new going on right now. I'm waiting for Sunday to roll around as that is when my friend will arrive from Indiana for his visit. Then on the 14th (or maybe a little sooner) we will make the trek back to IN. *sigh*
Thats all for now boys and girls. Keep smiling!!
- Mood:
- Listening to: Panic at the Disco
- Reading: The Exquisite Corpse
- Watching: Ju-on: The Grudge 2
- Playing: the "I wish I could tell him" game
- Eating: A double cheeseburger
- Drinking: Apple Manzana Soda
The pants have been laid aside for right now, because i need some things that I currently don't have... Like coloured sharpies...
I've been working on updating my poetry website (www.freewebs.com/dauntlesssparrow) you should check it out. *hint, hint*
Nothing new going on right now. I'm waiting for Sunday to roll around as that is when my friend will arrive from Indiana for his visit. Then on the 14th (or maybe a little sooner) we will make the trek back to IN. *sigh*
Thats all for now boys and girls. Keep smiling!!
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Ju-on: The Grudge, Ju-on: The Curse and Ju-on: The Grudge 2
First of all, let me say that the above mentioned titles are the original Japanese Films. Not the American Re-makes. I am not big on American re-makes (or really any re-make of any kind).
Secondly, let me say that there are actually Four films (thus far) in the so-called, Ju-on Saga. Unfortunately the fourth film (Ju-on: The Curse 2) refused to work. *pout* I wanted to see it tonight, damn it!! Oh well. Fawn says after I see the last Ju-on, I can graduate to Old Boy (a Korean horror film). Oh boy!!
Ju-on: The Grudge. One of the most amazing horror films I've seen up to date. It was genuinely amazing in every way. There was a subtle mind thread going through out the entire movie. This mind thread that keeps dragging you in and then twisting what you think you know so that it is upside down. All in all a wonderfully pleasing twist for the mind. I love movies that mess with your head!!
Ju-on: The Curse. I'll admit that I enjoyed this movie, but not as much as I thought I would. I was also not as freaked out as Fawn thought I would be. I had been forewarned by Fawn of a certain part. (Not for the faint of heart!!!) It was another good mind screw, one that left me going "What the hell was that?!"
Ju-on: The Grudge 2. My new FAVORITE film!! This movie was amazingly horrific. I enjoyed all the different blood soaked scenes and the mind screw that accompanied it. I stand in awe of the director and the actors. They did an amazing job. (by the way, this film re-affirmed my resistance to having children. After this movie I'm not sure i'll be able to be in the delivery room with Kendra!
Don't worry, Kendra, I'll be there with you, as promised) I anticipate Ju-on: The Curse 2 with glee and impatience.
And, because Fawn and I were disappointed with the fourth Ju-on not working, we watched "Cinderella", a Korean horror film. Another wonderfully amazing movie, with a great twist here and there, and another beautiful mind-screw. Though it paled in comparison to Ju-on, it was still definitely worth the time we took to watch it.
Now if only I could find a nice guy to sit and watch these movies with. I told Fawn that one of these days I'm going to force Gackt to sit and watch them with me. From what I understand however, he dislikes horror films. So, instead I've decided that Gackt should come over sometime and watch Final Fantasy 7: Advent's Children, since I've never seen it and am perfectly willing to watch it if given ample opportunity and someone to watch it with. Plus, from what I understand it is amazing. This coming from a woman (Fawn) who dislikes animated films. *shrug*
I think tomorrow I want to re-watch Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance (a Korean film. Not so much horror as thriller and all around interesting movie) and maybe finally get to see Sympathy for Lady Vengeance. Or Pray... Pray, btw hasn't been working, so I hope to see it soon.
For those of you who are curious, no I haven't completely given up on American Movies. I am still passionately in love with old American Films. I just hate how everything seems to go immediately to sex now-a-days. I mean, do I need to have some random actress' boobs bouncing in my face? No, I don't. And whilst I appreciate the fact that people who "love each other" do often engage in Sexual Practices, I don't really want to see it in my movie. I want to see the action or the horror or the comedy or the drama I paid to see. Not some guy banging some chick. And, FYI people, sex does not = love!! So I wish Hollywood would stop portraying it that way. I enjoy Foreign Films because, depending on the country, I can get a lot of substance for my movie going experience.
Thats all for now, ladies and gents. Check out the above movies if you enjoy horror of any kind. *smiles wickedly*
Secondly, let me say that there are actually Four films (thus far) in the so-called, Ju-on Saga. Unfortunately the fourth film (Ju-on: The Curse 2) refused to work. *pout* I wanted to see it tonight, damn it!! Oh well. Fawn says after I see the last Ju-on, I can graduate to Old Boy (a Korean horror film). Oh boy!!
Ju-on: The Grudge. One of the most amazing horror films I've seen up to date. It was genuinely amazing in every way. There was a subtle mind thread going through out the entire movie. This mind thread that keeps dragging you in and then twisting what you think you know so that it is upside down. All in all a wonderfully pleasing twist for the mind. I love movies that mess with your head!!
Ju-on: The Curse. I'll admit that I enjoyed this movie, but not as much as I thought I would. I was also not as freaked out as Fawn thought I would be. I had been forewarned by Fawn of a certain part. (Not for the faint of heart!!!) It was another good mind screw, one that left me going "What the hell was that?!"
Ju-on: The Grudge 2. My new FAVORITE film!! This movie was amazingly horrific. I enjoyed all the different blood soaked scenes and the mind screw that accompanied it. I stand in awe of the director and the actors. They did an amazing job. (by the way, this film re-affirmed my resistance to having children. After this movie I'm not sure i'll be able to be in the delivery room with Kendra!
Don't worry, Kendra, I'll be there with you, as promised) I anticipate Ju-on: The Curse 2 with glee and impatience.And, because Fawn and I were disappointed with the fourth Ju-on not working, we watched "Cinderella", a Korean horror film. Another wonderfully amazing movie, with a great twist here and there, and another beautiful mind-screw. Though it paled in comparison to Ju-on, it was still definitely worth the time we took to watch it.
Now if only I could find a nice guy to sit and watch these movies with. I told Fawn that one of these days I'm going to force Gackt to sit and watch them with me. From what I understand however, he dislikes horror films. So, instead I've decided that Gackt should come over sometime and watch Final Fantasy 7: Advent's Children, since I've never seen it and am perfectly willing to watch it if given ample opportunity and someone to watch it with. Plus, from what I understand it is amazing. This coming from a woman (Fawn) who dislikes animated films. *shrug*
I think tomorrow I want to re-watch Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance (a Korean film. Not so much horror as thriller and all around interesting movie) and maybe finally get to see Sympathy for Lady Vengeance. Or Pray... Pray, btw hasn't been working, so I hope to see it soon.
For those of you who are curious, no I haven't completely given up on American Movies. I am still passionately in love with old American Films. I just hate how everything seems to go immediately to sex now-a-days. I mean, do I need to have some random actress' boobs bouncing in my face? No, I don't. And whilst I appreciate the fact that people who "love each other" do often engage in Sexual Practices, I don't really want to see it in my movie. I want to see the action or the horror or the comedy or the drama I paid to see. Not some guy banging some chick. And, FYI people, sex does not = love!! So I wish Hollywood would stop portraying it that way. I enjoy Foreign Films because, depending on the country, I can get a lot of substance for my movie going experience.
Thats all for now, ladies and gents. Check out the above movies if you enjoy horror of any kind. *smiles wickedly*
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
If something should happen
First off, let me start this blog by congratulating my brother on arriving at his 18th birthday relatively safely. Happy Birthday Christopher! 
You made it to adulthood!! Yay!!
Today I went to Wal-Mart. And I was literally surrounded by babies. Everywhere I looked there was a mom with a baby. Or a mom with a young child of some kind. I was beginning to feel my clock ticking. Yes, my maternal clock started ticking. But the problem is, I DON'T want children!! I don't, I don't, I DO NOT.
I love children, don't get me wrong. I enjoy being around kids, or else I wouldn't have survived babysitting. But, damn it, I don't want to be a mom. That is something that can't be undone. And I don't want to screw up. I don't want a child, I don't want them to suffer the same things I have suffered, I don't want them to grow up in this world. If it was a different time, I wouldn't mind as much I think, but not now. Not now!
I really admire Kendra for wanting a baby and being willing to raise Corbin now-a-days. I don't mind helping her out. I don't mind helping her and Ryan raise Corbin, but I don't want to raise a child of my own. I wouldn't mind helping raise my sister, I mean I've done that for most of her life. I know that I could raise a child, but I don't want to.
You know, I went from wanting 16 children to none. I used to center my life around getting married and having children. Thats all I used to dream about, babies this and babies that. At 11 I knew the names that I wanted my kids to have, knew that I wanted to home-school them. At 16 I had my entire wedding planned down to the last detail (except for a groom). I was PROGRAMMED by my Church that this was all I was meant to do. Get married, having children, obey God and my husband, then Die.
But what is marriage anymore? I have no idea, what it is. People say its between one man and one woman, but I have friends who are gay and friends who have more than one person they claim as a spouse. Is marriage all hinged on that piece of paper? Is it all hinged on my taking the last name of the man I am with? Will I ever know the truth about it?
How am I supposed to obey God when I don't understand what He wants me to do? The Bible is truth, my step-father always said. Well that may be so, but how am I supposed to know what this truth is telling me? How can I obey when I'm not even sure its right anymore? Yes, I believe in a Supreme Being. A God. One who does love me, or else I wouldn't be existing, but why He/She has me here and what purpose I am supposed to have baffles me!
Why am I only meant for marriage, childbirth and submission?! Is there nothing else beyond that? No education or job? Am I not allowed to have dreams anymore? Thats it?!
Not only this, but I am so worried about the deal with my sister and all that crap. Is it possible for me to take custody of my sister? I'm scared that if Wes (my step-father) gets custody that I will never see her again. Could I convince her to pick me if it came to that?
I have no doubts about my ability to raise Hannah. I am worried that I wouldn't get custody and neither would Mom, and Wes would take her away. And I wouldn't see my sister again. Which would KILL me. I hate this. HATE IT ALL!!! I hate the man who is putting us through this, I hate the fact that I can't do anything to stop it. It isn't fair. It isn't fair.
You made it to adulthood!! Yay!!Today I went to Wal-Mart. And I was literally surrounded by babies. Everywhere I looked there was a mom with a baby. Or a mom with a young child of some kind. I was beginning to feel my clock ticking. Yes, my maternal clock started ticking. But the problem is, I DON'T want children!! I don't, I don't, I DO NOT.
I love children, don't get me wrong. I enjoy being around kids, or else I wouldn't have survived babysitting. But, damn it, I don't want to be a mom. That is something that can't be undone. And I don't want to screw up. I don't want a child, I don't want them to suffer the same things I have suffered, I don't want them to grow up in this world. If it was a different time, I wouldn't mind as much I think, but not now. Not now!
I really admire Kendra for wanting a baby and being willing to raise Corbin now-a-days. I don't mind helping her out. I don't mind helping her and Ryan raise Corbin, but I don't want to raise a child of my own. I wouldn't mind helping raise my sister, I mean I've done that for most of her life. I know that I could raise a child, but I don't want to.
You know, I went from wanting 16 children to none. I used to center my life around getting married and having children. Thats all I used to dream about, babies this and babies that. At 11 I knew the names that I wanted my kids to have, knew that I wanted to home-school them. At 16 I had my entire wedding planned down to the last detail (except for a groom). I was PROGRAMMED by my Church that this was all I was meant to do. Get married, having children, obey God and my husband, then Die.
But what is marriage anymore? I have no idea, what it is. People say its between one man and one woman, but I have friends who are gay and friends who have more than one person they claim as a spouse. Is marriage all hinged on that piece of paper? Is it all hinged on my taking the last name of the man I am with? Will I ever know the truth about it?
How am I supposed to obey God when I don't understand what He wants me to do? The Bible is truth, my step-father always said. Well that may be so, but how am I supposed to know what this truth is telling me? How can I obey when I'm not even sure its right anymore? Yes, I believe in a Supreme Being. A God. One who does love me, or else I wouldn't be existing, but why He/She has me here and what purpose I am supposed to have baffles me!
Why am I only meant for marriage, childbirth and submission?! Is there nothing else beyond that? No education or job? Am I not allowed to have dreams anymore? Thats it?!
Not only this, but I am so worried about the deal with my sister and all that crap. Is it possible for me to take custody of my sister? I'm scared that if Wes (my step-father) gets custody that I will never see her again. Could I convince her to pick me if it came to that?
I have no doubts about my ability to raise Hannah. I am worried that I wouldn't get custody and neither would Mom, and Wes would take her away. And I wouldn't see my sister again. Which would KILL me. I hate this. HATE IT ALL!!! I hate the man who is putting us through this, I hate the fact that I can't do anything to stop it. It isn't fair. It isn't fair.
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