The Blame, let it fall on Me

Lately it seems as if all of the problems existing within this house are resting firmly and unwaveringly upon my burdened shoulders. I don't know what is going to happen with me, but I've had enough of this bullshit. I am tired of feeling like everything is my fault. Even though I know it isn't.

It isn't my fault that my mother's marriage has fallen apart, it isn't my fault that we are losing Hannah, it isn't my fault that I fell in love and it isn't my fault that He is the way he is. I don't want to change him, I'm not going to break up with him and I'm tired of feeling like I have to fix everything!!!

I CAN'T Fix everyone's problems. I can't change anyone's life and I can't even begin to help if they aren't willing to help themselves first. Hell, I can't even fix my own damn problems, what makes me think I can help anyone else?

I'm tired of being judged by everyone and I'm tired of feeling like my mother blames me for some of the shit going on. I may just be overreacting, but she is trying to blame herself for actions that belong to me. Or at least she is saying that Wes is going to blame my actions on her. My actions rest upon my shoulders and mine alone, but they are not to blame for all this bullshit that is going on. I don't want to be blamed for anything anymore. I am tired of crying on his shoulder over this shit. I am tired of feeling worthless and useless and full of guilt for things that have nothing to do with me.

I know, I'm rambling, but I am sick of it.

And I'm worried. I am scared and unsure of what my next move should be. I don't know what to do about Hannah. I am worried that if we lose her that my mother will take her own life. She has hinted at it. And it scares me. The other reasons for my fear shall remain my own for now, only because i don't know how to explain them here. I don't know how to express what is going on here or how to deal with it either.

Monday I am going to put in applications to try and find a job, then I am going to make some doctor's appointments. Then I am going to try and find an apartment for myself and Donnie. I can't live with my mother anymore and I am not quite ready to go back to Oklahoma, so here I am until then.