A rant and a bit of an update....

I have come to the conclusion that I shall never get married. Not because I don't want to, but because it just doesn't seem plausible.

Since I was very young I've always been attracted to men much older than myself. For a while I kept myself to 15 years older than me and no older. But I've come to the conclusion that the men close enough to my age aren't mature enough to be with me, they don't have what I need in a potential partner. And the men who are mature enough are so much older than me, that either they feel uncomfortable with the age difference or I get scolded.

People, age is just a number. It means absolutely NOTHING to me. I could be happy with someone twice my age, if we got along and truly loved one another. I mean, what does age have to do with love? Gender and Race have been overcome in the areas of Love, is Age next?

Okay, as most everyone knows, I have a crush on Wentworth Miller. He is 16 years older than me. He just turned 36 and I'm getting ready to turn 20. A lot of people give me flack over that. So what?! They are numbers. I have always been older than my actual "age" and always will be. Maturity is not confined to numbers.

Its so annoying. Here I am, almost 20 years old and I'm ready to settle down. Yes I still want to go to school and I still want to travel, but whats the point of traveling when you have no one to enjoy the journey with?

A friend told me recently that it wasn't fair for an older man to ask a young woman to settle down with him. Young women aren't ready to settle down, they are still young. Thats not me. Who says that the older gentleman wants to settle down? What is the definition of "settling down"? Is it getting married, buying a house and having children?

My definition of settling down is finding the person who completes me and then adventuring with them through out this world.There is so much knowledge to be had, so many things to do, so many people to meet. Why would I have to give all that up just to be with someone!?

I don't remember where I was going with this, but I felt like I needed to say it. This rant is done... On to another. :D

As to the update, after spending almost 15 hours of throwing up, I have been able to consume some food. I have had a raging fever all day. That sucketh much.
Fawn is still not feeling well. A little bit ago her heart rate almost bottomed out. She hit 64 beats per minute. Any lower and the ambulance was going to be called. As it is we probably should've called. She is resting right now. Hopefully getting some sleep. She was in so much pain she didn't sleep at all last night. Much like me, except I was throwing up.

I don't know what it is going to happen folks. I'm supposed to be heading back to Indiana in about 2 weeks. Only for a visit. I have a godson who is due in August and I am supposed to be there for the birth. But I'm so worried about Fawn, that I almost don't want to leave her. She said she doesn't want me to leave.

Kendra, I know that if you are reading this you are freaking out, saying "But you promised!" and yes, I did promise. I intend on keeping that promise. No matter what, I will get there for the birth of Corbin. I promised and I keep my promises.

There are so many things going on right now that its really hard to explain it all here. And I know a lot of people are tired of my posting more than one blog a day. I'm sure it gets hard to keep up with my hectic life.

I just don't know what to do. I'm worried about my mom, about Fawny, about Kendra and about how the hell I'm supposed to get back to Oklahoma after all is said and done. I'm worried about Yoshiki and I'm worried about my little sister, Hannah. I'm worried because I can't find a job to save my life and I need one. I'm worried because I have to help mom move when I get back to Indiana. Not only that, but Fawn, Arlin and I are supposed to be moving into a new place next month, this place isn't working out. None of us can get a job because there is no place close by to get a job.

I'm almost thinking of moving to Oklahoma City, because there I can walk anywhere and get a job anywhere. But Fawn doesn't want me to move away from her. I tried to explain that it wouldn't be permanent, but it frightens her. We are so much closer than I thought we would ever be. I'm thankful for that, but I'm worried about what is going to happen in the months ahead.

I feel like such a failure. I can't seem to succeed at anything recently. Except making everyone around me miserable. I'm half tempted to start back up a lot of my bad habits, but I won't. Its hard not to think about my escape routes when I still haven't figured out how to handle stress. It feels like I have the entire weight of the world on my shoulders. And my shoulders aren't that strong. I can only hold so much. And its like the weight is crushing me into the ground.

So there, you all now have the updates as they stand. "If only I had wings to fly, I would fly farther than any bird has ever flown, if only to reach home again in your arms" a new quote from moi.