Randomness, the dose of the day (dA)

Journal Entry: Tue Feb 5, 2008, 4:06 PM

• Mood: Mortified
• Listening to: Counting Bodies Like Sheep by APerfectCircle
• Reading: Dracula by Bram Stoker
• Watching: House MD
• Drinking: Fruit Punch

I'm in a morbid mood today, for some reason. Therefore, I've decided to give you a random dose of randomness. Because of this, you get to read about moi. Although, you have probably already read it (since I posted it as a deviation as well), you can read it again here. I love randomness and morbidity, here it goes. TA DA!!

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I am quiet. I am loud. I am scared and I am courageous. I am of the best and worst parts of Marilyn Monroe and Edgar Allan Poe. I am dying from the human condition. But I'm not dead yet! I have a soul and a mind. I am filled with pains and joys. Loves and hates. I am destined to be tragic. But that doesn't mean I can't be amazing while I'm here. I have a heart and an imagination. I am of the Earth and people of the Earth. I am made of music and dancing. Light and darkness. I am a contradiction. But that doesn't mean that I can't be one or the other. I have loved and been loved.

I have lived a thousand years in 19. I have seen all there might be to see that is evil in this world. But I'm hanging on for the beauty. I love guns. I hate violence. I love poetry and I hate prejudice. I am of poetry and clear dark oceans that drag you down to the depths of satin waves. I have seen the stars through a child's eyes. I have lived in my skin. And I have known what it was like to be loved. I dream. And I live for the future as I gaze back to my past.

I have been hurt, abused, abandoned and used. But I am not broken. I may be bruised from life's many hardships, but my soul remains unbroken by it. I am invisible and apparent. I can sing and scream and dance. I have thoughts and ideas. I am not just a body, but a soul unchained within a mortal frame. I will never be perfection. I never claim to be brillant or beautiful. But each of us is beautiful in our own way. I am wrong sometimes. And right other times. I have hopes and wants and desires.

I am of the wind, restless and powerful. Just look into my eyes. I am made of the best parts of light and darkness. Within them I am completely safe. I am alive and live is what I intend to do with my life. I am of ice and fire. A dangerous and chaotic marriage of the two. I can be hateful, selfish and impatient. I can also be loving, tender and sweet. I bear the scars of life proudly. They are a part of me and always will be. I'm strange and wild. Calm and sometimes wise. I can show you worlds you didn't know existed. All you have to do is open your eyes!

I am violent and gentle. A strange mixture of course. I am intelligent and dumb. I am of the ocean, lightning and thunder. I am of the wind, the sun and moon, stars and clouds. I am of the atmosphere that surrounds us. Embraced by what can not be seen. Drowning, I have stood in the light of a new born sun. Breathless, I have stood in the courts of the moon and her lovers. I have seen the future and I have known the past. I live for today. I am outspoken and stubborn. Opinionated and sometimes rebellious.

And I am patiently waiting for whomever can love me for all these things and more.

Breaking Free... (dA)

Journal Entry: Mon Feb 4, 2008, 11:58 PM

• Mood: Pleased
• Listening to: Storm by Lifehouse
• Reading: my own poetry :)
• Watching: Prison Break
• Drinking: Lemonade

Today I have uploaded a bunch of my poetry for your viewing pleasure, that is if poetry pleases you! And I am excited to have you view it. I hope that you enjoy it. I'm rather random and strange when it comes to poetry, therefore if you feel confused feel free to send me a note and I will attempt to explain myself to you. Hope that is okay!!

I have nothing interesting to say, therefore I will stop here.
btw, I love Wentworth Miller! (strange, yes. Forgive me and move on!)

Starved and Starving

My soul is starved for knowledge,
starved for words that once sprung
from within. I am hungry with a
passion for writing. My hand will
not be stayed, nor my mind slowed
to match the beat of this burning
heart.
That all the world would stop in
this breathless moment and give
me room to live. That all would
fade to a merry blue and all be
dismissed and forgotten. I am
overflowing, pouring out all that
has lain hidden within for so
long.
I am thirsty for love and starved for
knowledge. And that I drink from
this cup you have given I would ne'er
deny. For you are the breath when there
is no air and life when all must die. For
you I would kill and steal, pray and heal.
For only your words can awake
within me this lovely outpouring of
blood from my soul.

Sweetest Phantom (to HAL:RIP 1979-2008)

Stand beside these withered dreams,
The unseen shadows hold me tight.
Guiding me through this darkened sleep,
pass by the splintered heart as it silently beats.

Sweetest smile, drips with blood,
lips stained from a violent kiss. His mouth
is warm, her lips are cold. Two entwined,
death lies between their arms.

A splintered kiss upon my bleeding lips,
left by the ghost, the phantom of my
never-ending abyss. My muse, my
lost friend, touch my soul with poetry.

Take my hand, held safe, as I walk this
Destroyed path. These stones are broken,
They weep as we pass. Curse the moon
That it should leave us silhouetted and alone.

I know that you are there, I feel you
Breathe, kiss me and never fade. Sweet,
Sweeter than any dream, I am afraid
Don't leave.

A paradox, frightened of the dark I cling to
its sleeve. I cannot let go of what I have
lost. Constant, you stay upon my mind,
within these wicked dreams, by my side.

Strange

Its strange how things turn out,
life turned up side down, can't
seem to make it straight.

Don't laugh at me as I lie here
on the cold floor. You aren't
perfection personified.

I have turned things over and over
trying to make sense of nonsensical
motives you seem to press upon me.

We are one; a splintered glass
heart that no glue can fix. We are two;
broken and forgotten we fade.

Fate is a tragic thing, just as splintered
as our torn hearts. Once again you
laugh, but don't, you aren't pure either.

Like caged animals we scream,
scratching and tearing each other
down to nothing.

You say this is just teen angst.
Its not, this is a moment we will
never retrieve again.

Broken we will sit upon this floor.
Touching, palm to palm, pressed
against the cracked wall.

Just as Titanic sank to the depths,
we will fade into the bottomless
ocean's arms.

Don't laugh at me as I lie here
on the cold floor. You aren't
perfection personified.

Insanity

You tore my heart out, crushed it right in front of my face. How can all this be my fault? You were the one who said it would be okay. Now you say that I have to go and you get off free and clear. Well, I don't want it to be like this. What kind of truth is this? That you loved me, now you don't? And then you give me a broken kiss to make up for all the pain that you've caused. As if that will heal the wounds, and erase the scars.
Okay, so now you are gone and its been only a few weeks. And I cry every night to keep from those terrible dreams. I've never felt such pain, such agony in my soul. Without you everything is empty and nothing is whole. All I have ever longed for was a true love, one that would heal what was broken, love me as I am.
All that you offer me is a slow, pain filled death. One that would know no joy filled moment, not one loving gaze or one special kiss. And I would give up everything for that! I would be willing to die for you, die that slow painful death and never enjoy those moments, just so that I could claim that you loved me again.

A Forgotten World’s Last Goodbye

To die such a beautiful death and to have never lived,
what a way to end it all. I have never felt such power
as when the knife lies bloody at my side. Could it be
that love is a broken china doll? God a figment or my
imagination?

No, that can't be right. Love a china doll? God a figment
of a twisted mind's deadly imagination? No, not that.
Truth is a tiger's breath, rancid with the smell of death,
dripping with the poison of living a lie. Love is not a
reality, but a child's dream that lies forgotten in a corner
after much time.

Whoever said love existed, must have been trying to
make the world a happier place, change the frown on the
face of the human race. Well, love does not heal, it kills
and it fades and it lies by to ensnare me. Love is a grave,
deep and hollow, waiting for a bride to fall into it's muddy
arms, and fill the space that was so long empty.

So let all that is broken and bleeding flow to the sea, entrapt
in a watery tomb and forgotten by a world that no longer
feels. I will remain, drowned and held beneath bloody waves
of love. No man shall see me, lest he be dead and drowning
like me. And we will be a forgotten world's last goodbye, a
goodbye to all the hypocrisy and lies.

Chaos Rising

You pour burning flowers down my throat,

Cast another lily on the fire. O that I had

Spoken sooner, caught your tongue like

A cat.

I had no idea that you would call, or that

Fire could be so cold. I hate that about you

Every flower you put on doesn't burn, only

Freezes my heart.

Do you know a riddle? Hit the nail on the

Head, carry the old woman to bed. Break

Me down, build me up, put another rose

On the fire.

Burn me down, burn me up. Kiss me with

Kisses that sear, lips that chill me to the bone.

Haunt my soul with those burnt flowers, let the

Ghosts of all that has passed, touch me.

I am not afraid of death, only of life that

Is so very unfair. Come, teach me Plato,

Teach me Shakespeare. Show me words

That can express the soul.

Define God to me, even though He cannot

Be defined. Define love in words that don't

Exist. Burn another flower on the cross

That you love, then cast me on as well.

Collapsed and broken, like the flowers you

Have burned. Am I bruised? Am I burnt up?

Do you still see me? Or have I faded like

Those unfortunate orchids?

Love me or hate me, kiss me or hit me. Don't

Let's stand here in this putrid silence. White

And black photos scattered on the floor,

Those photos burn as well.

So let's forget this whole matter, burn the

Flowers and pour them on my coffin. Let

Them bury me in the sea of simplicity. I

Care not for anything here.

So cast the marigold on the fire, let the

Beautiful flames fly up and let them cause

Everything else to fade away. I will remain

Hidden and open, buried by a flowery flame.

Broken Rivers (10/19/05)

My tears flow like the river.
They fill a muddy bank and dwell
within its murky boundaries.
My soul has become the forgotten
turns of the river.

Broken rivers, hear my cry.
You follow the shattered bones
of my people as we move down
to the depths of crushed dreams.
My heart has become a bloody tie
to a forgotten people.

Endless, clear water rise to
greet the weary feet of a
weary nation.
My downtrodden spirit weeps
at the touch of your cool
waters.

My soul has become the forgotten
turns of a broken river.

Cemeteries...

I stood at the edge of my reason, staring deep into the abyss of oblivion. It looks beautiful, the sparkle of a million stars reflected in the black mirror.
I stood at the edge of my cemetery, blanketed in crimson leaves. I could hear the moans of a thousand dead rising on the wind that shook the trees and shook my soul.
I stood at the edge of my life, watching it fly past on black gossamer wings, tipped in the blood of my broken soul. I could not breathe, because of the lack of air and could not see because of the lack of light. Darkness wrapped its arms about me and I was swept up in its arms.
I stood at the edge of forever, praying that I wouldn't fall into the depths of oblivion. A girl, much like myself, stares back at me, her eyes blacker than black. I long to touch her, because she seems so much more lovely on the other side of a black mirror. I touch her face and I die a little, trying to reach her side of the glass.
And now, I stand with her on her side and I long to return to the sun and those sparkling stars that no longer shine. Darkness is a friend, but he is never kind to those who resist. And I still hear the moan of a thousand dead riding the screams of the lonesome wind, as she whips through the naked trees of autumn.

A Voice in the Dark (2/03/06)

I cried for a long time,
waiting for a sign, relief
from the pain couldn't be
found in cutting or wine.
A voice in the dark, the
one I longed to hear,
your voice carrying me
here.
Sleep is a weary traveler's
friend, death the broken-
hearted's. For my weary
soul bring a voice in the dark.
A voice in the dark, a stir
of the echoes, silence in
place of death. Grasp and
hold my memories still.
Tranquil lie the vows of
marriage, broken lie the
bands of love, bloody lie the
hearts of the weary soul,
longing desperately for love.

I Never...

I never realized when I said goodbye, it would be the last time we ever spoke. I didn't realize that you would just walk out of my life like that, leaving me standing here, broken and cold. I thought you loved me, but I guess not. Or maybe you never did and this was all a lie, a lie that I have lived with. Or maybe it is my fault that you are now gone, maybe I wasn't good enough. All I know is that you have left me to myself, and I loved you.
I loved you with so much of myself that it hurt and now I realize that I never understood. Everything reminds me of you, songs and people on the tv. How could you leave me? Dessert me like you did, was I not broken enough before you? People tell me that I deserve better, but maybe I didn't even deserve you. Maybe I deserve the pain that you left me in and maybe I deserve everything I have ever experienced.
But I loved you! I Loved You, with so much of my soul that there was none left to give anyone else. My heart lays in disrepair, shattered by the love I had for you. If love is like this, I don't want any part of it. Love is a poison. But what a beautiful way to die. I fear this love which destroyed me and now I lay here, broken and bleeding. I can take this no longer. Let me die, because this is no way to live.

running away

i'm running away. i hope someone will care that i've left and am no longer there. I'm tired of all this crap that i'm trying to escape... and i hope you won't think me rude, but i'm done with it and i'm running away. i don't know where i will go, or what i will do, but i'm tired of this bullshit and i'm through. so i'm running away, this is my goodbye. please don't try to stop me, 'cause if i stay i'll die.

poem I wrote...

Drugs and Violence

She tries to recall the sound of her daddy's voice, but she can't years have passed since she heard him speak, years since he told her that he loved her or called her by name. When she can't stop the tears she sees his face and wishes he was there, but... Drugs and violence took her life away. They dragged her under where she couldn't breathe. She lives with it everyday. He sits in his cell, he's holding a photograph of his little girl. He wonders how he got here, where did he go wrong? He thinks about the life he lost, how he can't change it now. As the tears roll down his cheek, he sees his daughter's face and he wishes he could be with her. His father's mistakes become his own. Alcohol and violence took his life away. They dragged him under, wouldn't let him breathe. Your father's mistakes don't have to become your own, but he lives with it everyday. She's 17 trapped by her father's mistakes. He reads the paper and can't believe it ended this way. Crimson paints the pavement in front of the church where his daughter died. Her life was just beginning, but it's already over. As they wheel her away, her daddy cries. She got into what she shouldn't and, now, The drugs and the violence stole her life away. Dragged her under where she couldn't breathe. In the end it's the choices you make, they affect everyone. She lived, and died, with the drugs and the violence everywhere.