More Time... (dA)

Journal Entry: Fri Nov 14, 2008, 12:57 AM

• Mood: Unhappy
• Listening to: Crush - David Archuleta
• Reading: The Inferno by Dante Aligheri
• Watching: my life fall apart
• Playing: music
• Eating: ramen
• Drinking: water

Okay, so besides the whole computer thing, I just wanted to clarify that I had some other things going on... and will have for God only knows, the rest of my life maybe?

On Saturday one of my best friends (I've known/loved this girl for 10 years) got married. It was totally RANDOM. She calls me on Thursday and says "I'm getting married, want to be there?" It was a beautiful wedding and I managed NOT to cry during the ceremony, though I guarantee you I bawled like a baby later that night. Still trying to figure out why I cried so much over it.

Anyway, continued drama with my mother and the step-bastard. This year is going to be really tough on my mother. Especially the holiday season. Its her first Thanksgiving without him since they got married in 1993. Also, not to mention that Thanksgiving has never been a good holiday for us.

Another thing is that the day before Thanksgiving 1998 my mom found out that the baby she was carrying at the time had died. The day after Thanksgiving 1998 her body tried to flush the baby and it got stuck in her cervix and caused her to almost bleed to death on our bathroom floor. This resulted in two weeks of separation from Hannah (my baby sister) and getting forced into public school after having been home-schooled.

This is obviously the tenth anniversary of all that and this particular episode in our past seems to be not necessarily haunting my mom, but it is definitely weighing on her.

Then there is December 1st which is the final divorce hearing. Which means that we finally figure out if he gets Hannah or if we do.

I realized that if we lose Hannah that I don't want to have anything to do with a God anymore. Because if He exists and allows that bastard to have my sister, then He is a sadistic Bastard himself. I don't want to believe in anything that would put all of us through the hell we've been suffering for the past 7 months. Its ridiculous and it hurts and I am ready to be done with it.

I guess Prayer is in order, but its hard to pray these days...