I hate this part

I don't quite know how to explain my feelings to anyone, maybe that's because I can't even explain my feelings to myself. I don't know what happened to me. It was never part of the plan to fall in love with someone here. I knew that I couldn't do that because it would mean losing that person when I went back to Oklahoma.

I hate being here. I hate feeling trapped in this spiraling abyss, I hate feeling like everything around me is caving in and burying me. I feel claustrophobic and diseased half the time. I feel like everything is tearing apart at the seams and there is nothing I can do because I have the wrong needles for the fabric and the wrong color thread to boot.

Everything was great at the beginning. I was excited because I was preparing to be a godmother and then I was going back to Oklahoma, going back home. And then I started going out with this amazing guy. We have so much in common, want a lot of the same things, but we are very different at the same time. And somewhere along the way, I fell in love with that amazing guy. I don't know why or how it happened like that, but it did.

But you know what? It was kind of stupid to fall in love with him, kind of ridiculous all things considered. It is wrong of me to want him to move to Oklahoma with me. He may love me, which I believe he does, but that doesn't mean that I should expect him to give everything up for me. Even though I would give everything up for him. Sometimes it doesn't work like that.

His relationship with his family is better than mine. I love my mom, my sister and my brother (and a few others of my family), but they are the only ones who live in Indiana and therefore I don't mind leaving them. I know that they will be okay and I know that I can't live with them. Oklahoma is in my cards, in my stars and apparently a big piece of my fate as it were. I worked harder than anything to get there the first time around. Now what?

If I leave Indiana without him, then I no longer have a boyfriend. Though I know we would end it on friendly terms, I don't want to be just his friend. I want to be the girl he loves more than anything, I want to be HIS. I guess the part that hurts the most about that is that he won't wait for me. Because we will no longer be boyfriend and girlfriend, he will move on with new relationships and I'll be waiting for the time that he can be mine again.

He said at some point that he didn't want to go because of Arlin. So I told Fawn that I couldn't come back unless Arlin was gone. And lets face it, Arlin needed to leave anyway. Arlin is leaving, but he still doesn't want to go. Because he isn't ready to leave his family, he's not ready to leave home. I know it makes him feel vulnerable and uncomfortable, but I have been vulnerable for him.

Now, I'm really making him sound like a jerk. I'm not meaning to, because he isn't. He is the most wonderful to ever happen to me, boyfriend wise...

I can't really love him though, because I don't even love myself. I can't love anyone if I can't even love myself. And right now I hate myself. I hate all of this, I hate being so broken and un-fixable. I told myself not to fall for anyone, to just spend my time here and go home. I told myself that I would just wait for Pata, because that was who Fawn said I could have. I was fine with that. Who doesn't love a man with Sparkly pants?!

Now I'm just trapped in these paranoid moments. I am so afraid of him. He doesn't know that he could destroy me with one sentence. He doesn't realize that I am willing to give up everything to be with him, because I know that I know that I know he is the one that I was meant to be with. I am so self-conscious and weak and stupid, its all so fucking frustrating.

I hate this part by the Pussycat Dolls