Staying... (dA)

Journal Entry: Mon Dec 1, 2008, 2:31 PM

* Mood: Distracted
* Listening to: DBSK
* Reading: Paradise Lost by John Milton
* Watching: Prince Caspian (BBC America Version)
* Playing: the "Maintain Balance" game
* Eating: Shredded Wheat
* Drinking: Soda

I didn't know how to go about doing this, but decided it would be best to write a journal here and avoid my MySpace for a few moments...

I'm not moving back to Oklahoma for the time being. In fact, I am going to be going and getting my stuff and moving it back here to Indiana. My roomie is going to be pissed, but I needed to make this decision and I did.

I have realized a few things recently about life... It is a tilt-a-whirl and my balance is shaky. But I need to do what I feel is best for myself in this situation. I don't want to go back to Oklahoma for the time being. I want to explore this relationship I have with the wonderful boyfriend before I decide that it is ending.

I don't want to go back partially because of what is going on there, partially because I feel trapped there and partially because I really do care about the boyfriend and am not ready to relinquish the relationship (as we are both opposed to long distance relationships, ours would end if and when I moved back to Oklahoma).

Oh well, new poem for anyone who cares. I'm off to shower...

Fucked Up

Baby, quit fucking with my mind.
You cling to me, saying softly, "mine".
Then you say you don't want me to
just stay for your sake. What about
staying for my own?

Stop holding me so tightly, then
telling me to go! Make up your mind,
do you want me to stay or do you want
me to go?

You say its getting serious, too fast
for your tastes. We are moving to
quickly in your opinions. Do mine even
matter in this instance?

If you don't want to be serious why
did you open the doors? Why did you
pry at my heart's icy chains? If you don't
want this to last forever why play games?

Baby quit fucking with my heart, I'm
not a doll, I have feelings too. Yours are
buried, but mine aren't. So speak,
talk in straight sentences, succinctly and
politely.

I have given you everything I
have to give. Everything I held dear,
everything I was saving up. You say
thank you, then turn away, what
does that mean?!

I'm confused, but I love you so I'll stay.
Not for you, but for my own sake.
I can't leave you behind, not like you
can leave me. I can't forget those arms
that held me, whispering "mine".