Intuition (dA)

* Mood: Pain
* Listening to: According to You by Orianthi
* Reading: Thirst No. 2
* Drinking: Mt. Dew

I have realized that Life IS in fact Depressing. Why? :shrug: It is hard to explain, even to myself. You know what really bothers me?
People who have everything and insist on taking what little you have.

Went to the Library today. Got 6 books, Season 5 of Case Closed and Perhaps Love (A Chinese Musical that my Mom and I thought looked really good). I also got to have Starbucks (YUM!) and go to Barnes & Noble. I bought a book. As DaYog said, BIG SPENDER. lol.

I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I may never drive again. I am also coming to terms with the fact that I am indeed a coward for this.

And I hate how much I keep talking about my accident, but unfortunately it is THE BIGGEST subject in my world right now. Its long term consequences will probably affect me for years to come (which in itself is quite depressing).

Callibre, I miss you darling, you seem to have been gone FOREVER.

I have a doctor's appointment on Monday. I think we might end up discussing when we plan on having my hip replacement surgery. I am NOT looking forward to that.

I plan on reading all day tomorrow. I have plenty of material. At least 2010 is turning into a good year for me inspiration wise considering how much I have done thus far.

I am tired of people who treat me like shit because I am not who they want me to be. According to them I am stupid and useless. But according to him I'm beautiful and intelligent and he can't stop thinking about me. So who cares about them?

I didn't catch a dirty joke my mom made today until a full minute afterward. That is sad considering that my mom has a tendency to be more naive than me.

Why can't I stop myself from thinking things I don't want to think about? Why do I do this to myself? ALL THE TIME?! I just want to kick myself in the head sometimes except I can't bend that way to do it. :sigh:

I am wearing a short, red, nightshirt with little black scottie dogs on them. The dogs are wearing pink bow ties with black polka dots. I find this amusing.

It is fucking cold here. I wish it was summer. I wish I was anywhere but here and anyone but myself. But how does one change into another?

I dreamt of him for the first time in a long time. And again he broke my heart. I keep telling myself to erase him from my thoughts, from my head. I can't seem to do it. Isn't that sad?

I am tired of people who pity me. I was in a wreck, no big deal. I am missing half of my pelvis, I'll never be able to have children, and my tibia is now a rod, no big deal. I don't want pity. I just want a shoulder to lean on, you know?

I am rambling. I am good at that. I wish it was a happier ramble through the forests of my mind.

I wish that I could fix everyone else's problems. I unfortunately lost my magic wand.

Did I come here alone? Or was I with somebody when I came in? I feel like I need a drink, some vodka straight. I could do it. I am not on any pain relievers. Haven't been since I came home on the 30th of December. I could drink if only I really wanted to. Of course drinking doesn't really cure anything does it?

Why do we grow up? Why do we long to be adults just so we can experience all the heart ache that comes with it? Why do we want what we can't have, what we shouldn't have? Why are we human?

I don't want to be like this.

I miss my father, I was dreaming about him the other night. He made me smile. I haven't seen him since I was 7 years old. Would he even recognize me?

Why did I have to be programmed to believe that I had to be married by now? Why do I feel guilty all the time for being with a man that I love more than my life? What is wrong with being in love?

Why can't I be happy for someone when they say they are getting married? It isn't a contest. I don't have to be first in the wedding races. I defined marriage for myself. That shouldn't be wrong.

I miss him. God, I miss him. And I said I wouldn't talk about him anymore, that I would forget him. I can't. Part of me doesn't want to I think.

Can regret be summed up in a few sentences? I suppose it can. But how do you sum up something that you can't even fathom on your own?

Again I have been rambling, I will stop. I just feel like I need to understand what I never will. And that, more than anything, hurts.