Superficiality

Dreams are interesting things, you know? Sometimes they tell us the truth and sometimes they fuck us over. I am usually in the later category.

Ever had a dream come true? Not the good, fairy tale, kind. The nightmarish, prophetic kind. I have. Several times. And I'm tired. To tired sleep and to tired not to. Ever have one of those days?

I'm insane right now. I am feeling like crying, being a bitch and not caring about ANYTHING. I just want to give up on everything. It's pretty bad when I don't even want to work with my relationship. I know it is just a phase.

Have you ever wished to be hit? Ever wanted to be abused so bad that you started to go crazy inside? I have. I think I want to be hit so that I can feel like I deserve what I don't believe I do or ever will. DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND THIS?! I'm going crazy. Out of my mind.

I hate myself, I hate him, I hate the world and I hate feeling like this all the time. It's not his fault. He doesn't even KNOW what the fuck is going on, because I haven't told him. And maybe I should. But I just don't know how to say, "I love you more than life, but sometimes I hate you. I wish that you would just hit me so I could feel like I deserve to be your girlfriend and deserve to be loved." How do you tell the person you love more than anything that?! How messed up is that?! How messed up can you be?!

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. What is the point? Is there a point to everything and nothing? Can dreams tell us the truth? Am I just going insane?!

This blog was going to be about a poem I wrote. About a dream that I had forever ago where I was talking to Wentworth Miller about superficiality and finding love in the superficial. I have gotten way off topic though and now I don't even want to post the poem. Because it doesn't make sense to me and it won't make sense to any of you and I am tired of writing anyway. I am tired of trying to do things that I don't feel like doing anymore.

I want out.